Friday, March 24, 2017

To Ed Sheeran, Who Would Totally be My Boyfriend in Real Life

Hi Ed. 

You don't know me, but if you did, I swear you would TOTALLY be my boyfriend in real life, or "IRL" as the kids say.

I had this realization on my drive into work the other morning when I heard your hit song "Shape of You" on the radio. The one you wrote for Selena Gomez but then decided to do yourself, because it has a Van Morrison reference and you were afraid Selena's fans were too young to understand. 

I learned that from Ryan Seacrest.

See? I get you already. I love Van Morrison and know all three of his songs. Brown Eyed Girl is my favorite, with the Moonlight one coming in at a close second. I'm old enough to remember when Julia Roberts made Brown Eyed Girl famous again in Sleeping With the Enemy. Wikipedia tells me you were born the same year that movie came out (1991), but I saw it in the theater. 

It's the one where Julia escapes from her abusive husband by swimming away into the ocean in a thunderstorm as he shouts "LAURRRRAAAAAA!!" over and over again from their deck while shaking his fist at the sky. She ends up in Indiana where she meets this adorbs drama teacher and then the husband comes back to stalk her, and she knows he's been in her house because all the soup cans are lined up in her cupboard and it's super freaky and then the drama teacher helps her kill the husband who you think is dead after she stabs him but really isn't. 

You could be the drama teacher in that particular scenario and I would dance around to Brown Eyed Girl in the kitchen. That would totally be us.

The other thing is the ginger factor. This is the elephant in the room so we might as well get it out of the way. I love gingers! And guitar players! Lots of girls love guitar players but not many girls love gingers. 


I happen to be married to a ginger guitar player at this very moment! He's bald now, but he used to be a ginger. You'll be bald too someday, but then you can assert your ginger pride by growing a big ginger beard. TRUST me. You want a girl who isn't scared off by ... well ... you know.

Maybe "girl" is a little generous? After all, I'll be 40 this year and you're 26. But age is just a number, and think of the things I could teach you with my additional 14 years of life experience! It would be like a MILF/cougar seminar at Oxford for 5 credits.

Also your accent is dope, and I believe you would be amused by my American sass. An intercontinental love affair with a married woman 14 years your senior is exactly what you need to inspire your next big hit, "Shape of U2." It will be all about listening to Achtung Baby (which also came out in 1991) while lying next to a woman whose body has been forever ravaged and destroyed--or beautifully blessed, as a feminist doula might say--by pregnancy and childbirth.

Ed, you know you want my love. Your love was handmade for somebody like me. C'mon now follow my lead C-C'mon now follow my lead whoaaaa.

See? I even know the lyrics to one of your songs.

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