Thursday, March 9, 2017

This Envelope Moistener is Everything Wrong with the World Right Now

I'm sorry. Forgive me, but are we getting "soft" as a people? Not just as Americans, but as Canadians, Frenchmen, Senegalese, and whoever else speaks French or English and needs this "envelope moistener," or "mouilleur d'enveloppe?"

I didn't even know such a product existed until I saw this in our office supply room at work today, at which point I had to do a "pics or it didn't happen." How else would anyone believe this exists?

Remember the good old days? When you just stoically licked envelopes until you puked or got a weird mouth tumor or esophageal cyst later that you couldn't explain? What happened to those heady times? (I believe Seinfeld had an entire episode dedicated to this, in which George's fiancĂ©e died of poisoning after licking all their wedding invitations).

To that I say, PISH-POSH! Death by envelope-licking is a noble way to go to one's Maker. I would rather die licking envelopes than be caught using something called an "envelope moistener" to seal my letters like some kind of PUSSSSAAAY!

And speaking of pussies, the word "moistener" is even more revolting than the word "moist," if that is even possible. Moreover, the poison chemicals in this moistener and the plastic bottle that houses it are surely both more terrible for the planet than the poison on the envelope or the potential dangers of licking an envelope, even if you have to die in the process.

Bottom line, the world needs fewer people, not more garbage and chemicals. So if you give even two hard shits about anything in this cruel, senseless slum of a world we're living in, you'll simply shake the envelope moistener your mama gave you (i.e., your tongue), and take your chances on ingesting poison like our hale and hearty forefathers bravely did before us.

1 comment:

  1. We have this in our office only it's known as scotch tape.


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