Thursday, March 16, 2017

Rocking My Morning Routine Like a BOSS!

Someone named Diana Madison (who I've never heard of, but who clearly I should know) has some advice for tackling mornings like a "BOSS," whatever that means. Here are her tips, followed by my explanations of how I am quite conveniently already running this whole program on turbo.

My first rule for the mornings is to have a quick meditation. Lately, with my one year old daughter, it’s not easy to do long meditations. I start with a quick 5 minute meditation to just get me in the right mind set.

OMG. Like, TOTALLY. I too like to start my mornings with a meditation. My meditation occurs on the toilet with my iPhone, as I quickly review all the horrible things that have happened overnight in the rest of the world while I was asleep in Alaska. After taking a glance to make sure I'm not bleeding without explanation, I flush twice and run the sink at full capacity to drown out the sound of my kids fighting over socks. This toooootally gets me into the right mindset.

After my meditation, I plan out my day. I like to know what I am going to do, hour by hour and what I could expect. If there is any challenges, I like to think in my head that the problems are already solved. It’s the power of the mind and what I manifest. In my mind, I am a winner and I can overcome any obstacl

OMG. Samesies! The minute I get to work, I look at Outlook and know exactly what I can expect for the day in terms of pointless, maddening interruptions that will interfere with my productivity. I like to think that the seventeenth email about leftover cheesecake in the break room refrigerator and the vagaries of the new timekeeping system are problems that are already solved. Using the power of my mind, I manifest that I am a winner who never got those emails in the first place.

My third tip for obtaining a productive morning is putting effort in looking my best. When I look my best, I feel my best. This helps with my confidence and gives me strength to be a BOSS. 

This is like, SOOOO true! I put a SHITLOAD of effort into looking my best each morning. After the aforementioned twitter/shitter session, I stare blankly at my closet and ponder how it could possibly be that every article of clothing I own is sooooo 2002, and how I can't afford to make any of it 2010, much less 2017, because I live beyond my means LIKE A BOSS. So I settle for one of seven pairs of black pants from the Gap and a sweater that itches and makes me sneeze. This helps with my plummeting self esteem and gives me strength to be the boss of exactly no one, especially myself or my kids.

My last tip for a productive morning is to always remind yourself on why you started . . . Find the little things that make you happy in life. To be honest, I get so excited when I get my tea latte in the mornings. It used to be a coffee fanatic, but now that I quit…I’ve switched to green tea lattes. It is my fuel to get my day going.

YASSS QUEEEEEN! SUHLAAAAYYY BITCH!!! Why did I start this day again? Wait . . . fuuuuuck. I forgot and it's not even 7:30 a.m.! Can I go back to bed now? Actually it's technically my sleeping bag, because I sleep in a sleeping bag in my own bed. I have a major temperature disparity in my marriage. What can I tell you. Anyway, the little things that make me happy in life are . . . let's see . . . being in my house all by myself for 8 consecutive hours so I can eat Honey Nut Cheerios on the couch for dinner while watching a movie starring Channing Tatum. But I can't do any of that right now because I have to get to work, so I guess I'll guzzle down a tureen of coffee. I used to be a coffee fanatic, but now that I quit, I switched to MORE COFFEE, because . . . I need it. Not even close, not even while I was pregnant. (Sorry kids!) In fact, if I don't have coffee within 50 minutes of waking up, I get a debilitating migraine and turn into the biggest asshole on EARTH. It is my fuel to get my day going.

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