Showing posts with label Style & Fashion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Style & Fashion. Show all posts
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Friday, October 11, 2019
Four Oils You Must Use in 2019 to Live Your Best Life and Also Salve the Crushing Weight of Existence
1. Coconut: Coconut oil is one of the most versatile of all the oils you must use in 2019. It is high in "good" saturated fats called medium chain triglycerides, which boost metabolism and energy. Coconut oil is a dietary staple of many non-Western cultures. Cultures that are populated predominantly by tan, skinny hot people who carry their babies effortlessly in a sling and were born woke. Coconut oil is also a great nutrient for skin and hair, and you can find it in a regular grocery store! Sure, you will smell like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model from the 1980s, even though you won't look like one because let's be realistic. However, because smell is linked to memory and sensation, slathering your body, face, and hair in coconut oil each morning will acclimate you to the tropics which are slowly moving northward due to the steady march of climate change and the potential re-introduction of malaria to the northern hemisphere.
2. Avocado: Avocado isn't just for toast, Millennials, and Mexican tariff wars. It's also for oil. Like coconut, avocado is a "superfood." Studies show that simply staring into the bathroom mirror and saying "avocado" ten times backwards will increase your focus at work, boost your immunity, and keep you feeling full for hours. Jason Mraz owns an avocado farm in NoCal and if that isn't an endorsement for avocado oil in 2019 I don't know what is. Can't you picture Jason Mraz on break from tour, walking among the avocado trees in his porkpie hat, strumming his guitar and writing a song about nibbling your ear? You can imagine it, but it won't happen. At least not the last part. Jason Mraz is never going to nibble your ear. You can, however, nibble on a bland, mushy-ripe avocado and cook everything from soup to scrambles with avocado oil while you pretend that Jason Mraz will be your boyfriend someday, assuming Trump doesn’t trigger a nuclear holocaust next week.
3. CBD: Cannabis is everywhere lately! Weed dispensaries are blooming all over the country like an out-of-control dope grow in Bob Marley's backyard on Hope Road in Kingston. Science shows that CBD oil does everything from soothing minor aches and pains to curing epilepsy and AIDS, and if you rub enough of it into your gums and other mucous membranes, you might experience hallucinations sufficient to remove you from the reality of our crumbling democracy. You can also consider the fact that as you indulge in the regulated cannabis market, thousands of Black men are sitting in jail on ten year sentences for the very same oil you are massaging into your lower back after pilates.
2. Avocado: Avocado isn't just for toast, Millennials, and Mexican tariff wars. It's also for oil. Like coconut, avocado is a "superfood." Studies show that simply staring into the bathroom mirror and saying "avocado" ten times backwards will increase your focus at work, boost your immunity, and keep you feeling full for hours. Jason Mraz owns an avocado farm in NoCal and if that isn't an endorsement for avocado oil in 2019 I don't know what is. Can't you picture Jason Mraz on break from tour, walking among the avocado trees in his porkpie hat, strumming his guitar and writing a song about nibbling your ear? You can imagine it, but it won't happen. At least not the last part. Jason Mraz is never going to nibble your ear. You can, however, nibble on a bland, mushy-ripe avocado and cook everything from soup to scrambles with avocado oil while you pretend that Jason Mraz will be your boyfriend someday, assuming Trump doesn’t trigger a nuclear holocaust next week.
3. CBD: Cannabis is everywhere lately! Weed dispensaries are blooming all over the country like an out-of-control dope grow in Bob Marley's backyard on Hope Road in Kingston. Science shows that CBD oil does everything from soothing minor aches and pains to curing epilepsy and AIDS, and if you rub enough of it into your gums and other mucous membranes, you might experience hallucinations sufficient to remove you from the reality of our crumbling democracy. You can also consider the fact that as you indulge in the regulated cannabis market, thousands of Black men are sitting in jail on ten year sentences for the very same oil you are massaging into your lower back after pilates.
4. Essential: If you don't have a Facebook friend from high school that you haven't seen in 20 years trying to multi-level market essential oils to you, then you have not been living your best life in 2019. Essential oils like peppermint, patchouli, and tea tree come in little labeled vials that look very therapeutic and smell like the waiting room of a yoga studio. Pema Chodron uses essential oils, I think. I just made that up but I'm pretty sure it's true. And although no one knows what a tea tree is, or has ever seen one, it is absolutely essential that you have its oil for proper alignment of chakras and a night of uninterrupted sleep. One might argue that the universe of essential oils is expanding to the point where some of the oils should be downgraded to non-essential or at least optional. But for now every one of these oils is essential. As essential as ending misogyny and the gender wage gap, if not more so.
Thursday, May 9, 2019
The Patagonia 'Power Vest' Drought is a Fucking NIGHTMARE for ‘Aspiring Tycoons!’
Satire has long ago eclipsed reality, so I should not have been surprised to see this headline in the Wall Street Journal last week: Patagonia Triggers Market Panic Over New Rules on Power Vests.
I would've read the whole article, but the WSJ charges per click (it's Wall Street, after all), and although I fully believe in paying for news content, I wasn't about to give that POS rag any of my cheddar--not even for this worthy cause. So I gathered what I could from the preview and elsewhere. Basically, "the sportswear company announced restrictions on its custom-branded vests to firms that 'prioritize the planet,' leaving aspiring tycoons out in the cold."
Again, because the Venn diagram of satire and reality is now a complete circle, it's hard to tell if the reporter had tongue in cheek when she called this a "panic-inducing announcement" and a "crisis that touches the very core of [Wall Street's] largely male workforce."
I found more (i.e. free) coverage of this "crisis," and learned that Patagucci is saying FUCK YOU, YA FILTHY RICH BASTARDS to Wall Street banks like JP Morgan Chase and Goldman Sachs, and will henceforth sell its monogrammed fleece vests only to "mission-driven companies that prioritize the planet."
(Full disclosure: I own a Patagonia puffy vest that I wear frequently, because it has discreet pockets for everything from iPhones to vape pens to loose cashews, and I can often get away with wearing no bra underneath it. From now on, I will be referring to this garment as a "power vest" in the hopes that it will force my smart-mouthed children to better RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH).
My powers of deductive reasoning and extrapolation tell me a few things about this story: (1) Big banks must not be "mission-driven companies that prioritize the planet"; (2) there is such a thing as an "aspiring tycoon" (*SHUDDER*); and (3) aspiring tycoons have a very sensitive panic-button.
A "celebrity stylist" in the above-linked article put it best and most hilariously: "It's such a status symbol. The vest gives off the Indiana Jones adventurer look for the man who doesn't have any adventures."
BWAHAHAHHHAHAHA!
So true! It's way better to pretend you're off rock climbing (or fighting Nazis in a snake pit?) on the weekends, even though you're actually stuck on the 19th floor of 5151 Avenue of the Americas eating take-out sushi at your desk. Who has time for "adventures" when you're spending 80 hours a week shuffling money around from one hedge fund to another so that the petro-state and the military-industrial complex can turn you and the rest of the 1% into the .0000000001%,? It's essential that you guarantee yourself a leather seat on Elon Musk's first rocket ship to Mars when the REAL panic over non-vest-related resources such as food and water is unleashed on humanity.
If these guys think they're panicking now, wait until they have to shove little old ladies and children out of the way to escape the boiling planet by launching themselves into the stratosphere.
Bottom line: Patagonia is "reluctant to co-brand with oil, drilling, dam construction, etc. companies that they view to be ecologically damaging," including "financial institutions." I suppose this means that here in Alaska, we shouldn't expect to see any "co-branding" with BP, ConocoPhillips, or the Pebble Limited Partnership? These "aspiring tycoons" will have to do all their vest-shopping at REI and might need to order monogramming through some separate, less scrupulous service in order to find a loophole in this disastrous new rule.
May God have mercy on their souls.
I would've read the whole article, but the WSJ charges per click (it's Wall Street, after all), and although I fully believe in paying for news content, I wasn't about to give that POS rag any of my cheddar--not even for this worthy cause. So I gathered what I could from the preview and elsewhere. Basically, "the sportswear company announced restrictions on its custom-branded vests to firms that 'prioritize the planet,' leaving aspiring tycoons out in the cold."
Again, because the Venn diagram of satire and reality is now a complete circle, it's hard to tell if the reporter had tongue in cheek when she called this a "panic-inducing announcement" and a "crisis that touches the very core of [Wall Street's] largely male workforce."
I found more (i.e. free) coverage of this "crisis," and learned that Patagucci is saying FUCK YOU, YA FILTHY RICH BASTARDS to Wall Street banks like JP Morgan Chase and Goldman Sachs, and will henceforth sell its monogrammed fleece vests only to "mission-driven companies that prioritize the planet."
(Full disclosure: I own a Patagonia puffy vest that I wear frequently, because it has discreet pockets for everything from iPhones to vape pens to loose cashews, and I can often get away with wearing no bra underneath it. From now on, I will be referring to this garment as a "power vest" in the hopes that it will force my smart-mouthed children to better RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH).
My powers of deductive reasoning and extrapolation tell me a few things about this story: (1) Big banks must not be "mission-driven companies that prioritize the planet"; (2) there is such a thing as an "aspiring tycoon" (*SHUDDER*); and (3) aspiring tycoons have a very sensitive panic-button.
A "celebrity stylist" in the above-linked article put it best and most hilariously: "It's such a status symbol. The vest gives off the Indiana Jones adventurer look for the man who doesn't have any adventures."
BWAHAHAHHHAHAHA!
So true! It's way better to pretend you're off rock climbing (or fighting Nazis in a snake pit?) on the weekends, even though you're actually stuck on the 19th floor of 5151 Avenue of the Americas eating take-out sushi at your desk. Who has time for "adventures" when you're spending 80 hours a week shuffling money around from one hedge fund to another so that the petro-state and the military-industrial complex can turn you and the rest of the 1% into the .0000000001%,? It's essential that you guarantee yourself a leather seat on Elon Musk's first rocket ship to Mars when the REAL panic over non-vest-related resources such as food and water is unleashed on humanity.
If these guys think they're panicking now, wait until they have to shove little old ladies and children out of the way to escape the boiling planet by launching themselves into the stratosphere.
Bottom line: Patagonia is "reluctant to co-brand with oil, drilling, dam construction, etc. companies that they view to be ecologically damaging," including "financial institutions." I suppose this means that here in Alaska, we shouldn't expect to see any "co-branding" with BP, ConocoPhillips, or the Pebble Limited Partnership? These "aspiring tycoons" will have to do all their vest-shopping at REI and might need to order monogramming through some separate, less scrupulous service in order to find a loophole in this disastrous new rule.
May God have mercy on their souls.
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