Friday, October 11, 2019

Four Oils You Must Use in 2019 to Live Your Best Life and Also Salve the Crushing Weight of Existence

1. Coconut: Coconut oil is one of the most versatile of all the oils you must use in 2019. It is high in "good" saturated fats called medium chain triglycerides, which boost metabolism and energy. Coconut oil is a dietary staple of many non-Western cultures. Cultures that are populated predominantly by tan, skinny hot people who carry their babies effortlessly in a sling and were born woke. Coconut oil is also a great nutrient for skin and hair, and you can find it in a regular grocery store! Sure, you will smell like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model from the 1980s, even though you won't look like one because let's be realistic. However, because smell is linked to memory and sensation, slathering your body, face, and hair in coconut oil each morning will acclimate you to the tropics which are slowly moving northward due to the steady march of climate change and the potential re-introduction of malaria to the northern hemisphere.

2. Avocado: Avocado isn't just for toast, Millennials, and Mexican tariff wars. It's also for oil. Like coconut, avocado is a "superfood." Studies show that simply staring into the bathroom mirror and saying "avocado" ten times backwards will increase your focus at work, boost your immunity, and keep you feeling full for hours. Jason Mraz owns an avocado farm in NoCal and if that isn't an endorsement for avocado oil in 2019 I don't know what is. Can't you picture Jason Mraz on break from tour, walking among the avocado trees in his porkpie hat, strumming his guitar and writing a song about nibbling your ear? You can imagine it, but it won't happen. At least not the last part. Jason Mraz is never going to nibble your ear. You can, however, nibble on a bland, mushy-ripe avocado and cook everything from soup to scrambles with avocado oil while you pretend that Jason Mraz will be your boyfriend someday, assuming Trump doesn’t trigger a nuclear holocaust 
next week.

3. CBD: Cannabis is everywhere lately! Weed dispensaries are blooming all over the country like an out-of-control dope grow in Bob Marley's backyard on Hope Road in Kingston. Science shows that CBD oil does everything from soothing minor aches and pains to curing epilepsy and AIDS, and if you rub enough of it into your gums and other mucous membranes, you might experience hallucinations sufficient to remove you from the reality of our crumbling democracy. You can also consider the fact that as you indulge in the regulated cannabis market, thousands of Black men are sitting in jail on ten year sentences for the very same oil you are massaging into your lower back after pilates.

4. Essential: If you don't have a Facebook friend from high school that you haven't seen in 20 years trying to multi-level market essential oils to you, then you have not been living your best life in 2019. Essential oils like peppermint, patchouli, and tea tree come in little labeled vials that look very therapeutic and smell like the waiting room of a yoga studio. Pema Chodron uses essential oils, I think. I just made that up but I'm pretty sure it's true. And although no one knows what a tea tree is, or has ever seen one, it is absolutely essential that you have its oil for proper alignment of chakras and a night of uninterrupted sleep. One might argue that the universe of essential oils is expanding to the point where some of the oils should be downgraded to non-essential or at least optional. But for now every one of these oils is essential. As essential as ending misogyny and the gender wage gap, if not more so.

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