Limericks About Obscure Presidents

There once was a POTUS named Fillmore

He was the last Whig (there were no more)

His first name was Millard

That rhyme is just filler

Cuz the dude was just kind of a chill bore

There once was a POTUS named Taylor

His term was a bit of a failure

He was preserving the Union

Raw fruit was his ruin

He died well before he could save Her.

There was once a POTUS named Tyler

Not elected (nor much of a smiler)

Destiny manifest

He practiced with zest

But old Zach could’ve used a good styler

There once was a POTUS named Pierce

The critique heaped upon him was fierce

Weak and forgettable

His service regrettable

And they say he drank too many beers.

There once was a POTUS named Hayes

With a long beard that went on for days

A staunch abolitionist

And stern prohibitionist 

For corruption he hadn’t much praise 

There once was a POTUS named Polk

No one would say he was woke

He stole Native lands

And kept slaves at his hands

But his suits were most surely bespoke 

10 Landmark U.S. Supreme Court Cases Explained in Limerick

MARBURY v. MADISON 5 U.S. (1 Cranch) (1803)

It kind of all started right here
When Chief Justice John Marshall made clear
That the courts get to glean
What the law says and means
In con law this case has no peer.

BROWN v. BOARD OF EDUCATION OF TOPEKA, 347 U.S. 483 (1954)

“Separate but equal” is crap
Segregation just got knee-capped
It’s the law of the land
And the bigots be damned
Integration is now on the map.

MIRANDA v. ARIZONA, 384 U.S. 436 (1966)

If you find yourself locked up in cuffs
Do not let the cops call your bluff
You need not say a word
‘Til your lawyer has heard
All the evidence, charges, and stuff.

LOVING v. VIRGINIA, 388 U.S. 1 (1967)

Black and White couples can marry
To say otherwise will be contrary
To equal protection
And the State’s interjection
Will not get the court's sanctuary.

TERRY v. OHIO, 392 U.S. 1(1968)

Cops do not need your permission
If they have a well-reasoned suspicion
They can stop you and frisk you
Without any risk to
The Fourth Amendment's two key prohibitions.

ROE v. WADE, 410 U.S. 113 (1973)

A woman can have an abortion
And Texas was out of proportion
The due process clause
Does not let states make laws
That allow reproductive extortion.

LAWRENCE v. TEXAS, 539 U.S. 558 (2003)

What two adult men do in bed
Is a place that the law may not tread
Gay men have due process
Regardless of undress
And Bowers v. Hardwick is dead.

GRUTTER v. BOLLINGER, 539 U.S. 206 (2003)

Affirmative action is good
A law school did just what it should
To promote its diversity
There’s no legal adversity
Nor a threat to the White livelihood.

CITIZENS UNITED v. FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION, 558 U.S. 310 (2010)

Corporations can spend lots of dough
To get people elected, you know
The First Amendment makes plain
He who makes the most rain
Will have Congress tied up in a bow.

OBERGEFELL v. HODGES, 576 U.S. __ (2015)

Same sex couples may walk down the aisle
Though some may consider it vile
Well that’s really too bad
For it’s now ironclad
That gay marriage is not a “lifestyle.”

The James Comey Firing in Limerick

There once was a bro named James Comey
Who was Donald Trump's #1 Homey
But then he cried treason
And so for that reason
POTUS said why don'tcha blow me?

Yet the timing of this is quite odd
One can only conclude there's a fraud
Now here come the hearings
And media jeerings
And "fake news" and Bannon's goon squad.

The whole thing is shady at best
Our democracy's put to the test
It's kinda like Nixon
With someone a fixin'
To make several dozen arrests.

This nonsense set Twitter ablaze
But the Trumpites seem not to be fazed
By a traitorous fool
And a dictator's tool
With a deep fascist impulse for days.

So now it's America's mission
To investigate growing suspicion
And watch Trump come unglued
As he learns that he's screwed
And becomes an excluded condition. 

Trump's "Taco Bowl Tweet" In Limerick Form

In honor of Cinco de Mayo
(And no I don't think he was high-oh)
The White House contender
And constant offender
Has offered new reason to sigh-oh.

He tweeted that he "loves Hispanics"
It's really not quantum mechanics:
Shove a big "taco bowl"
In your sour cream hole
And you're winning that whole demographic!

Taco Bell's triple fried bean burrito
Must now take a "VERY SAD" seat-o
'Cause the Trump Tower's fare
With its Mexican flair
Is a lunch that Trump won't ever veto.

It might cause The Donald to fart
But "Hispanics" should really take heart
This man loves your food
He's not being rude
He's just trying to make a fresh start.

From that one time he called you all names
And implied that you all were to blame
For raping and drugging
And gang-style mugging
And all of those other false claims.

Whether chip, shell, tortilla or bowl-y
From Antarctica to the North Pole-y
He'll build a big wall
But he won't have the gall
To deprive us of his guacamole.

The Alaska Legislature's Dave & Buster's Move, in Limerick

There were once 60 women and men

Elected again and again

Who couldn't do jack

But ignore the feedback

Of the people who cried out "Amen!"

When finally wrongs had been righted

And Capitol Hill was united

On a critical bill

To give Alaska the thrill 

Of a Dave & Buster's out at Dimond.

On the budget they cannot agree

They're hung up on our PFDs

But burgers and frieses

And arcade game prizes 

They greenlit adult Chuck-E-Cheese.

Now few days are left for more bluster

They used all the will they could muster

Forget health care and jobs

When there's Ceasars and Cobbs

To be eaten at Dave's and at Buster's.

The Flint Water Crisis in Limerick

There once was a fella named Rick

Who was an incontrovertible dick

He tried to save bread

By feeding kids lead

Through pipes that made everyone sick

It started in 2014

When it came to these guys in a dream:

Let’s save $5 million bucks!

And not give any fucks!

About poor folks with poisoned blood streams

Now Governor Synder is SAD

‘Cause a nice pleasant meal can’t be had

Without hecklers yelling

About his short-selling

Public health and it’s making him mad!

But the water he drinks is delicious

And state workers were somewhat suspicious

They got clean H20

But those Flint kids? Hell no

Their water was rather pernicious

It took 18 months of complaining

And some doctors who did some explaining

Through studies that found

High lead levels abound

In the yellow-brown sludge that was draining

This is all bad enough, you would think

But it gets even worse with the stink

From the powers on high

Who ignored the outcry

And left emails exposing the link

Well now it’s too little too late

And brain-damaged children can’t wait

For corrupt politicians

To finally listen

Once they realize their jobs are at stake

It’s like an old Charles Dickens book

With cruel misers and odious crooks

And the children they’re killing

And a public unwilling

To accept that they’re being forsook

This is the predictable end

Of electing “small government” friends  

Who would tell a whole town

To gulp toxic lead down

As long as it doesn’t hurt them.

#OregonUnderAttack in Limerick

There once was a rancher named Bundy
Who was destined to spice up your Monday
By taking a stand
On some federal land
So grab some popcorn or a sundae!

These hicks are a redneck white ISIS
Who are claiming that there is a crisis
With the U.S. Constitution
But they have a solution!
And I really must say it is priceless:

They’re going to hide in the woods
‘Til the government gives them the goods
And post rantings online
‘Bout their federal crimes
But they’re white, so we can’t call 'em hoods.

They’re strapped up with rifles and bats
And plaid shirts and their ten-gallon hats
‘Cause they ain’t takin’ shit
And they’re not gonna quit
‘Til their cows have some choice habitat

YouTube is their means of transmittal
The irony stings just a little
They say “right to bear arms"
Which will shield them from harm
While a black kid gets shot because Skittles.

Photo AP/Les Zaitz

Frankenfish: A Limerick

The Food and Drug Administration
Has created a foul situation
They've given approval
To chromosomal removal
And to fish DNA alteration.

It's like something straight out of Sci-Fi
And Alaskans have never been shy
To say it ain't great
To put Frankenfish on your plate
Instead of organic sockeye.

Well the government says go ahead
Like they did with asbestos and lead
Well that turned out fine
So surely this time
We should not greet this mutant with dread?

And even if Frankie is edible
Its wacked-out genome will be spreadable
To our native wild species
I'd rather eat feces
And I'm suspect the science is credible.

This animal has its own BRAND.
"AquAdvantage" its called (fresh and canned)?
And it need not be labeled
'Fore it gets to your table
The concerns of consumers be damned.

The problems with Frankie ain't mild
I would sooner feed dirt to my child
Than to let them eat salmon
That some company's scammin'
To edge out the fish that run wild.

"Friends don't let friends eat farmed fish."
Every Alaskan knows this.
They'll let rivers run dry
Before they will buy
A salmon from a Petri dish.

Columbus Day: A Limerick

There once was a cracker from Italy

Who was colonialism’s epitome

He sailed the wrong way

Yet got his own holiday

Upon robbing some cultures of dignity.

He thought he was in Indochine

And reported this back to the queen

He refused to admit

His GPS was for shit

It was quite a ridiculous scene.

Bottom line, Chris was a dick

And a megalomaniacal prick

Who raided some cultures

Like a circling vulture

It was quite a detestable trick.

Columbus no more found this land

Than his dick found the palm of his hand

So it’s time that we say

“Arrivederci!”

And take an appropriate stand.

Alaska is leading the way

And is one of the first states to say

Columbus Day is no more

His name’s an ear sore

It’s Indigenous Peoples Day.

Gun Control: A Limerick

They say we’re a nation of laws

But you wouldn’t quite know it because

Many people per day

Are blasted away

By assault rifles in the wrong paws.

Just because we can own guns

Doesn’t mean we should be number one

In shootings per week

It’s pretty damn bleak

For moms, daughters, fathers, and sons.

‘Cause you can’t count on going to school

Or the movies or work or the pool

Without getting shot in the face

It’s a major disgrace

Well whatever--a gun's just a tool.

But we have a Congress in league

With the NRA lobby’s blitzkrieg

If they had their way

We’d all spend every day

Dressed in cammo and battle fatigues.

So what is the answer, they say?

Thoughts, prayers, and convo’s the way!

To stanch epic bloodshed

That is wacked in the head

And it’s leading our nation astray.

To be clear I live in a state

Where everyone thinks guns are great

Still lots of Alaskans

Are doing some askin’

About the horrendous death rate.

This country has gone off the rails

And we're currently tipping the scales

As the sole first world nation

With zero cessation

In death by Congressional fail.

The Pope’s Secret Meeting with Kim Davis: In Limerick

So Kim Davis met with the Pope!?

Well that's just a big bag of NOPE!

A man of his station

Has used his vacation

To meet with a bigoted dope?

The Vatican said that it’s true

Kim Davis has managed to do

What world leaders could not

What a pile of rot

That reflects something rather askew.

She says she was told to “stay strong”

But with all due respect this is wrong.

She works for the state

And she cannot conflate

Her job with the church there for long.

See it’s unfair to citizens here

Who are having their rights commandeered

By a total wing nut

Going off of her gut

From a secular outpost, I fear.

The Pope is quite wrong about rights.

This isn’t Kim Davis’s fight.

Same sex folks can wed

It need not be said

That Kim Davis is not God’s white knight.

“Conscientious objection” is fine

But the founders have drawn a firm line:

If you’re working for God

Fine, give Him a nod

But not on the government’s dime.

Planned Parenthood: A Limerick

There once were some men in D.C.

Elected by you and by me

Who had nary a care

For the health under where

Our lady parts happen to be.

Their mission is really quite plain:

Stop women from using their brains

To prevent STDs

And to plan families

For a stump speech in their next campaign.

Their motives are rather insidious

And their smug old man faces look hideous

Telling girls to drop dead

So that they get ahead

In a poll, hoping we stay oblivious.

They’re serving the public a portion

Of dangerous myths on abortion

And the truth is behind

All the lies they’ve designed

It defies logic out of proportion.

This tactic is old as the nation:

Congress acting like they’re the salvation

Of women worldwide

When the fact is they hide

In misogyny’s latest creation.

But women have had quite enough

It really should not be this tough

In 2015

To obtain a vaccine

So we don’t get preventable stuff.

It’s probably worthwhile to mention

That women are paying attention

And they’re not gonna stand

For a man with his hand

In their sexual health and prevention.

Congress should really take note

And beware all the smears they promote

Because women are pissed

And the chance won’t be missed

To fire them all with our vote.

The Waking Life Espresso Scandal in Limerick

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The Ahmed Mohamed Alarm Clock Kerfuffle in Limerick

There once was a young boy from Texas
To whom cops drew a puzzling nexus
He built an alarm
That they thought was a bomb
Their logic has rather perplexed us.

But the child’s name sounded Islamic
So of course it seemed quite economic
To call him a traitor
And ask questions later
It’d be sad if it weren’t so comic.

Now being a nerd is a crime
With stupidity on a steep climb
This kid’s only offense
Was having the sense
How to build a device to tell time.

Just when you think peeps can’t get dumber
News like this makes you feel even glummer
About the state of a nation
That gleans inspiration
From archetypes like “Joe the Plumber.”

This kid was just building a clock
And not IEDs from Iraq
He just had the bad luck
To end up being stuck
With adults who are dumber than rocks.

But all's well that ends well, you see

This fourteen year-old is now free

And he'll probably get

A full scholarship yet

To Harvard, Yale, or M.I.T.

President Obama’s Historic 3-Day Trip to Alaska, Summarized in One Limerick

People might be wondering just what the President of the United States was doing in Alaska for three whole days. 

Well, wonder no more, because One Hot Mess is pleased to offer this easy, play-by-play explanation to share with anyone who's interested in a brief (and rhyming) summary of President Obama's visit to The Last Frontier:
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Alaska is rather remote
And not prone to the Democrats’ vote
So with some trepidation
Obama’s vacation
Began on a tenuous note.

But Alaska was in for some fun
With Bill Walker aboard Air Force One
And the President’s ear
Giving hugs and good cheer
Our state's welcome will not be outdone.

The President spoke at a forum
And showed a great deal of decorum
Describing facts dire
A planet on fire
That cannot afford Rick Santorum.

He painted a chilling tableau
Framed by scientists well in the know:
All the glaciers are shrinking
Our coastline is sinking
Deniers are feasting on crow.

He went from The Cook to Snow City
(The crowds there are often not pretty)
And no more so than where
A world leader is there
Buying muffins served up by committee.

Obama then flew down to Seward
And told The World we are the stewards
Of Exit Glacier--a shame
She lives up to her name
Our grandkids might not get to view her.

He stopped for a cone of gelato
En route to the gullies and grottos
Of Kenai Fjords
There is much to explore
It’s like winning the wildlife lotto.

Next he was Dillingham-bound
For an earful about Norton Sound
And the salmon that feeds
Our nutritional needs
And a mine atop their spawning grounds.

Further north on the high Chukchi Seas
Where Shell Oil is trying to squeeze
Every last drop of crude
Their rigs skeptically viewed
By people defending the trees.

Obama has shown some ambition
For no one in his high position
Had prior a clue
About Kotzebue
Much less its time-honored traditions.

Climate change makes Alaskans uneasy
(In fact I might even say queasy)
We must act, said Obama
Lest we end up a drama
Directed by Martin Scorsese.

So the whole planet now will know why
Alaskans have pride in their eyes
The beauty we live in
Was never a given
But it might make the President cry.

Photo: Alaska Dispatch News

Kentucky Fried Chicken: A Limerick

There once was a gal from Kentucky
Her career choice was rather unlucky
She’s two centuries late
On church versus state
And her bigotry’s really quite yucky.

But far more than yucky, it’s wrong
She legally cannot prolong
Giving license to wed
She is rather misled

Or perhaps she's been smoking a bong.

The Supreme Court has told her she must

But she maintains that this is unjust!

For in her addled mind

With God's word she's aligned 

While defiling the whole public trust.

See the problem we have with democracy

Is it doesn't mix well with theocracy

You get folks like Kim Davis

Acting downright audacious

In a secular, neutral bureaucracy.

If you want to be doing God's work

Then don't be a government clerk

The Supreme Court has spoken

Your resolve is unbroken

And it's driving the country berserk. 

You're running a circus for now

No one is quite sure just how

Long we can stand 

Your dumb line in the sand

That SCOTUS has just disavowed.

If you don't believe gay folks should marry

'Cause the Bible has made you too wary

Then just leave us alone

And go pray on your own

Even God thinks your face is too scary.

The Denali Name Change, in Limerick

President William McKinley
Whom Alaskans have looked upon dimly
And who never was here
For so much as a beer
Yet a mountain was named for him (grimly).

The Mountain has long been Denali
(Let’s not call someone Jim who’s named Sally!)
Yet they gave it a name
And who can we blame
But Ohioans who saw fit to rally?

Now the feds have made good on their talk-o
And have honored this mighty fine rock-o
By respecting Alaskans
With names Athabascan
Instead of some old dead Cheechako.

And speaking of people named Sally
Sec. Jewell has signed off on Denali
With thumbs-up from Obama
There won’t be more drama
O'er the name of this peak and its valley.

But some folks are not all that pleased
John Bohener will not be appeased
He’s defending Ohio
With a whine and a cry-o
About McKinley’s name being aggrieved.

Well Alaskans from Southeast to Nome
All of whom call the Last Frontier home
Know it took 40 years
But we're finally here
It's Denali wherever we roam.