Friday, February 15, 2019

16 Real National Emergencies (Hint: Not a Wall)

1.  Climate change.
2.  Income inequality.
3.  Military-grade weapons for sale to kids at Wal-Mart.
4.  A quasi-dictator who creates fake emergencies to expand the reach of his power.
5.  Citizens who are complacent with their heads in the sand.
6.  Citizens who ignore other people's suffering.
7.  Citizens who remain silent.
8.  Citizens who shrug and say "it's not my problem."
9.  Citizens who don't vote.
10. Citizens who make up every excuse imaginable for their total inaction.
11. Citizens who willingly execute the illegal, unconstitutional orders of people in power.
12. Citizens without empathy.
13. Citizens who don't question the source of the information they are receiving.

14. Citizens who think they're not next.
15. Citizens who put their heads down and do busywork while waiting for this all to pass.
16. Citizens who refuse to take real risks for the integrity of their governments.

Most of the national emergency is behind a mirror, not a wall.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

It Will Not Surprise You to Learn That I Played Rizzo in the Camp Production of Grease

“A hickey from Kanicki’s like a HAWLMAHK CARD!” 

I still remember that line from my one and only tread across the boards in my tour-de-force role as Rizzo in the 1989 sleepaway camp production of Grease.

Today, as I reflect on what must’ve been the mindset of the teenage counselors who cast me in this role, I realize it wasn’t my captivating voice or embodiment of character that won them over. Nor was it the undeniable chemistry between me and Kanicki, ably played by my best friend, Chuck, who grew up to be a professional actor and thus quickly eclipsed me in the acting arena.

Quite the opposite: Those counselors viewed me as a promiscuous semi-delinquent troublemaker, and they thought the role wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. 

In retrospect, I’m not sure how kosher it is (at least by today’s standards) to type-cast a 12 year-old girl as a chain smoker who accidentally gets pregnant? And her solo is literally just bullying another girl for being a sober virgin who doesn’t curse? And her biggest laugh line is about hickeys? All in 50s lingo that sounds super dated and weird? Like that wouldn’t fly today, right?

I didn’t ever WANT to be bad though, is the thing. I actually wanted very much to be GOOD. I tried hard to be good, but my refusal to shut up was the thing that always did me in. I liked to rile up my friends with silly stories and one-woman showmanship. I got kicked out of class for talking almost every week, it felt like. I hand-wrote stinging, poison pen letters to my romantic rivals. In short, my words got me in trouble then and they get me in trouble now.

But you know what they say. Once a Rizzo, always a Rizzo.

Saturday, February 2, 2019

The Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled is Convincing Kids That Adulting is Okay

Real Talk: we were all sold a bill of goods on adulthood, and at 41 I see why. If anyone told kids how God Awful™️ adulting is, most kids would probably lose the will to live. I mean ... let’s be honest ... the gap between what you’re told adulthood will be and what you experience as an adult could not be more vast.

WHAT YOU’RE TOLD: Follow your dreams! You can be anything you want! Maybe even an ASTRONAUT or a FIREFIGHTER! You’ll be able to make all of your own choices and have freedom to chart your own path! You can travel the world and get married and have kids and live happily ever after! YAY!

WHAT YOU ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE: Oh hi! It’s way too late to be an astronaut. You failed calculus, remember? Also you’re not brave enough to light a wood stove much less fight a structure fire in 89 lbs of equipment and an oxygen tank. Did you know that in addition to carrying your crippling student loan debt until cremation you need cost-prohibitive health insurance, life insurance, car insurance, malpractice insurance, home insurance, flood insurance, fire insurance, and maybe even avalanche insurance? Also when you have babies you will bleed for eight weeks, be unable to shit for three, and leak milk from your titties for 52. Enjoy the heartburn from that Beta blocker you swallowed without water because you were rushing to adult daycare for toiling capitalists (aka work). Here’s some mail—so sorry it’s not a present from Santa. It’s a magazine from Costco and your utility bill and a reminder to schedule a colonoscopy. What’s that smell? Carbon monoxide? Wait, carbon monoxide is the one that doesn’t have a smell, right. It’s the silent killer. Like ovarian cancer. How is that motherfucking smoke alarm STILL CHIRPING? Oh look. The dog must’ve thrown up on the carpet again. Why do we have pets anyway? Also who is this person you’re living with, whose voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard and whose very socks you hate and want to burn and the sound of whose footsteps make you cringe? Uh oh the car needs to be serviced again for its 300,000 mile servicing and the dentist is saying the kids’ fillings aren’t covered by insurance even though we paid for it isn’t that something? Hahhaha. Also your boss is an asshole because that’s in the job description for being a boss, amirite? I wonder if today’s headache is a brain tumor or just the feeling of existing ...?

It’s a fact, fam. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing kids that adulting doesn’t blow donkey nads.