Saturday, February 2, 2019

The Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled is Convincing Kids That Adulting is Okay

Real Talk: we were all sold a bill of goods on adulthood, and at 41 I see why. If anyone told kids how God Awful™️ adulting is, most kids would probably lose the will to live. I mean ... let’s be honest ... the gap between what you’re told adulthood will be and what you experience as an adult could not be more vast.

WHAT YOU’RE TOLD: Follow your dreams! You can be anything you want! Maybe even an ASTRONAUT or a FIREFIGHTER! You’ll be able to make all of your own choices and have freedom to chart your own path! You can travel the world and get married and have kids and live happily ever after! YAY!

WHAT YOU ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE: Oh hi! It’s way too late to be an astronaut. You failed calculus, remember? Also you’re not brave enough to light a wood stove much less fight a structure fire in 89 lbs of equipment and an oxygen tank. Did you know that in addition to carrying your crippling student loan debt until cremation you need cost-prohibitive health insurance, life insurance, car insurance, malpractice insurance, home insurance, flood insurance, fire insurance, and maybe even avalanche insurance? Also when you have babies you will bleed for eight weeks, be unable to shit for three, and leak milk from your titties for 52. Enjoy the heartburn from that Beta blocker you swallowed without water because you were rushing to adult daycare for toiling capitalists (aka work). Here’s some mail—so sorry it’s not a present from Santa. It’s a magazine from Costco and your utility bill and a reminder to schedule a colonoscopy. What’s that smell? Carbon monoxide? Wait, carbon monoxide is the one that doesn’t have a smell, right. It’s the silent killer. Like ovarian cancer. How is that motherfucking smoke alarm STILL CHIRPING? Oh look. The dog must’ve thrown up on the carpet again. Why do we have pets anyway? Also who is this person you’re living with, whose voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard and whose very socks you hate and want to burn and the sound of whose footsteps make you cringe? Uh oh the car needs to be serviced again for its 300,000 mile servicing and the dentist is saying the kids’ fillings aren’t covered by insurance even though we paid for it isn’t that something? Hahhaha. Also your boss is an asshole because that’s in the job description for being a boss, amirite? I wonder if today’s headache is a brain tumor or just the feeling of existing ...?

It’s a fact, fam. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing kids that adulting doesn’t blow donkey nads.

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