I Rewrote Ice Ice Baby for Vanilla Ice’s Corona Show

Yo, RNA, let's kick it!

ICU baby

ICU baby

All right stop
Collaborate and listen
Ice is back without COVID prevention
Virus, grabs a hold of us tightly
Stay in your bedroom, daily and nightly
Will it ever stop?
Yo, we don't know
Take off the masks, at this show
To the extreme, he spreads the virus like butter
Light up the swab and drop a lung for this nutter

Cough

Rush the emergency room
It's killin' your brain like bar mitzvahs on Zoom
It’s deadly, when it gets in your airway
Down for the count, you can't walk up a stairway
Love it or leave it
You best stay away
You better stay home
Cuz this shit don't play
Rona is a problem
Trump can't solve it
Check out the stats while his spin docs revolve it

ICU baby Vanilla
ICU baby Vanilla
ICU baby Vanilla
ICU baby Vanilla

Now that the cases are jumping
With the bars poppin' off, and the beaches bumpin'
Quick to the point, to the point no faking
Infecting Gen-Z's, they remain unshaken
Burning 'em, laid up on the couchie
I go crazy when I hear Doc Fauci
MAGAs, with their guns and their ammo
Rona's on a roll and it's time to go solo
Rollin' at 103 point O
With my temp up high cuz of bat guano
The doctors on standby
Ain't here just to say hi
Did you stop?
No, I just drove by
Kept on, pursuing to the next state
I busted south and I'm trying not to tempt fate
That state was dead

Yo so I continued to A1A AUSTIN TEXAS!
Girls were out, they were not quarantining
Rona lovers, driving Lamborghinis
Jealous, 'cause I'm out getting mine
Grab that Purrell, it’s malignant not benign 
Ready, for the chumps on the wall
The chumps are acting ill ‘cuz they're all outta Tylenol
Sirens, ranged out like a bell
Grabbed my N95
And my white blood cell count was
Rising, in my bloodwork real fast
Jumped in my car, slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed
No social distance, viral load is jacked 
Medics on the scene
You know what I mean?
They passed me up, I didn’t even get screened 
Rona is a problem
Trump won’t solve it
Don’t have a vax, watch his spin docs revolve it

ICU baby Vanilla
ICU baby Vanilla
ICU baby Vanilla
ICU baby Vanilla

Take heed, I ain’t washing my hands
COVID’s on the scene and I’m packing in the stands 
In Austin, with the aerosol droplets 
Enough to super-spread from Miami to Charlotte 
'Cause my stupid, is like a chemical spill
Feasible dumb you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed
It’s a hell of a concept
We infecting the masses, you don’t wanna step with this
Hydroxychloroquine, scroll past like fake news 
It’ll be some time before you go on a cruise, it’s hot 
CDC says, “Damn"
If my rhyme was a drug
They would say it was a scam
Keep my composure when it's time to get sick
Magnetized by the mic, I’m an epic dick
Rona is a problem
Trump won’t solve it
Go read a book, while the spin docs revolve it

ICU baby Vanilla
ICU baby Vanilla
ICU baby Vanilla

Yo man, let's get outta here. Go call your mother.

We Didn't Start the Rona (Billy Joel Parody)

Bats and lizards, 14-Days, Wuhan China, Chest X-Ray
Ventilators, Teleworking, Andrew Cuomo
Trump Twitter, Tony Fauci, Eating cookies on your couchie
North Korea, South Korea, streaming those shows

Coughing, fever, pounding heart
Can you stay six feet apart
Silkwood shower, wash your paws, human boogers are the cause
There is not a vaccine, you will have to quarantine
Viral truthers, CDC, Boris Johnson Goodbye!

We didn't start the Rona
It’s been replicating
And it’s devastating
We didn't start the Rona
We don’t understand it
And we didn’t plan it

Idris Elba, Tom Hanks, Steph Curry, crashing banks
Laid-off workers, unemployment, plummeting stock
Toilet paper, panic-buying, zombie preppers testifying
Hashtag Flatten The Curve, Trump is a cock.

Pandemic, hunker down, health care workers, ghost town
Zoom meetings, PPE, social distance is the key
Health insurance, business loans, cancellations, hot zones
Prince Charles, "Tiger King", trouble with math.

We didn't start the Rona
It was circulating
While we’ve been debating
We didn't start the Rona
It was zoonotic
And it’s been chaotic

Drive through testing, symptomatic, socialism, democratic
Home school, soap and water, it could be your son or daughter
NYC, alcohol, there will be no baseball
Broke, bored, stuck inside, sibling fighting multiplied

Online classes, NPR, Mike Pence, shuttered bars
Italy, death tolls, travel is a no-go
Face masks, sterile gloves, masturbation self-love
New York Times, CNN, Fox n’ Friends is on again

We didn't start the Rona
It’s a bad contagion
You should not engage in
We didn't start the Rona
It is pretty frightening
But we’re out here fighting

Reagents, testing swabs, Huckabee’s corn-cob
Podcasting, Instagram, No one really gives a damn
MAGA wingnuts in denial, Libtard leftists on the pile
NBA, NHL, concerts, churches gone to hell
Vatican, bouncing checks, doggie style corona sex
RNA, DNA, what else do I have to say

We didn't start the Rona
It was always spreading
Cellular imbedding
We didn't start the Rona
It is inconvenient
But we can’t be lenient

Mental health for the win, when can we go out again
Not by Easter, Fake News, inside-trading, drinking booze
Stay indoors, cut your hair, no Pilates, it ain’t fair.
YouTube, ICU, our President is huffing glue
Frozen pizza, microwaves, trying not to hibernate,
Netflix, making memes, shelter-in place.
These talking heads are a bore, China’s under martial law
Alex Jones, info wars, I can't take it anymore

We didn't start the Rona
It’s a novel virus
Just like Miley Cyrus
We didn't start the Rona
But when we’re gone
Will it still go on, and on, and on, and on

My Actual Favorite Things

Scalding hot showers 

And gin from the bottle 
Good human beings I don’t want to throttle 
Big sturdy vibrators made in Beijing
These are a few of my favorite things

Broiling in sunlight and cookie dough sundaes 
Bong hits and Netflix
And sleeping through Mondays
Wild nights out on the town with drag queens
These are a few of my favorite things

Little black dresses that never get dirty
Instagram filters that make me look 30
Dipshits I dunk on as if I’ve got wings
These are a few of my favorite things

When a troll tweets
When my kids fight
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Dear Haters: Please Refer to This Rap from Now On

With apologies to Eminem & 8 Mile ...

Now, everybody from the 907
Put your motherfucking hands in the air to heaven
Everybody from the 907
Put your motherfucking hands up! Look, look …
Now, while they shit-post
Notice these motherfuckers hide inside they keyboards like they fuckin’ ghosts 
BOO! Oh wut. Did I scare you? 
I got you cryin' to yo mama like boo hoo hoo
Facebook got you gassed up like you the bomb?
Now, who’s 6"9 and scared of a 5”2 mom?
One, two, three, and to the four
One tweet, two tweet, three tweet, four
Four tweet, three tweet, two tweet one
Come out your mom’s basement-- say that shit to my face, son!
You sorry ass trolls think you motherfuckin’ ballers
Sittin’ in your truck reading the Daily Caller
Getting high off your own supply
I know everything you got to say about me, now don't I?
I AM a bitch, I AM a Marxist cunt
I DO get on the internet and flex and stunt
I DID get fired by Dunleavy and I DO keep cursing and frowning
I DO get dragged by Suzanne Downing
I AM a commie leftist libtard with clinical depression
I DO have a million unhealthy obsessions
And no, I AIN’T legit from Alaska
I grew up in an apartment in the Bronx, dumb bastards
Don’t judge me or slide into my DMs, bro
I ain’t ever gonna fuck you, I ain't your 'ho

And I know something you don’t know
You’re all over my feeds taking shots for free
Why you motherfuckers so obsessed with me?
You’re scared to death, you’re scared to look
You know you ten times dumber than your own dog, go read a fucking book
You think I’m blind, that I can’t see?
You can’t even use an apostrophe
So don’t come square up to MY door
Until you can tell me your from you’re
You don’t wanna battle, you're too scared to even use your own name
Hold my earrings, bitch, I'm burning your shit down to the ground with white-hot flames

Using my REAL name
Cause two can play at THIS game
And I got better things to do in REAL life
Than argue with you motherfuckers online like you my fuckin' wife
Fuck a beat, I’ll go acapella
Fuck a tweet, fuck a MAGA, fuck a blog, fuck a lawyer
Fuck you School House Rock mouth-breathers and illegal employers
I’m an SJW I’ll say it proudly
And fuck this battle, I’m gonna win it someday, I’m outtie.
Here. Now tell these people something they don’t know about me. 

Me and Trumpy McGee (Freedom Molecules)

Oil spill near Baton Rouge, pelicans and cranes

Were lookin’ greasier than refried beans

BP played that diesel down, just before it rained 

Stock prices from here to New Orleans

I pulled my gas hose from its dirty, smelly nozzle

I was texting while my tank filled up on cue

Windshield wipers slappin’ time, I was keepin’

Trumpy’s words in mind

We burned every ounce of fossil fuel 

Freedom’s just another word for petrol molecules 

And Lord you know that Freedom Gas ain’t free

Cuz Freedom Gas was awesome Lord, before we really knew 

Climate change would send us up shit’s creek

Up shit’s creek with me and Trumpy McGee.

From the Kentucky coal mines, to the California sun

There Trumpy sang the praises of petrol

Through all kinds of weather, through everything we done

Freedom Gas has kept us from the cold yeaaah

One day down near DC, Lord, reason slipped away
It’s lookin' for an ear, and I hope it finds one
But, I'd trade all my tomorrows, for one single yesterday
To tell Congress we’re all about to fry.

Freedom’s just another word for petrol molecules 

And Lord you know that Freedom Gas ain’t free

Cuz Freedom Gas was awesome Lord, before we really knew 

Freedom Gas would send us up shit’s creek

Up shit’s creek with me and Trumpy McGee.

By Request: An Oompa Loompa Song for Hope Hicks' Departure from Trumplandia

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get when you lie for your boss?
Even when you are hot like Kate Moss?
What do you know, at a mere 29?
Mueller will force you to sing or do time!

Oompa loompa doompety da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompeda dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

Lying is fine when it's once in a while
It means you have cunning, ambition, and guile
But it is repulsive, revolting and wrong
Lying and lying all day long
The way that Sarah Sanders does!

Oompa loompa doompety da
Given good judgment you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

Who do you blame when your boyfriend's a thug?
Arrested for beating his wife with a jug
Blaming the press is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who's to blame
Rob Porter and Rob Porter!

Oompa loompa doompety da
If you take a plea bargain you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompeda dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get when you steam Donald’s suit?

A sleazy old man telling you that you’re cute
It's smart that you've quit while you still are ahead

I hope that he never got you in bed!

Broken Hearts and New Year’s Resolutions in Poetry

Looks like Robert Frost is back from the dead, heartsick, mid-divorce, and on the Juneau Craigslist personals, y’all!

Writing a poem to your soon to be ex-wife and posting it anonymously on Craigslist reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa gives Ralph Wiggum a Valentine’s Day Card that says “I Choo-Choo-Choose You” with a picture of a train on it, and Ralph thinks it means they’re betrothed. 

Maybe the mystery poet here is actually a grownup Ralph Wiggum? 

Anyway, I was inspired to compose my own series of poems about my already-broken New Year’s Resolutions, one day into 2018.

HEALTH

I said I’d drink more water
But I haven’t drunk a drop
I said I’d quit all sugar
Yet I just had a rum-spiked lollypop
To lose ten pounds was once the dream
Now my scale says that dream is shattered
The illusion of wearing a cocktail dress without Spanx fades
I am 40 and getting fatter
All I wanted was to be a size 4 while never exercising
And inhaling brownie batter

SOCIAL MEDIA CONSUMPTION

I promised to get off the internet
But not tweeting every genius thought was too hard
My newsfeed is full of KY Jelly ads and Trump memes
And every dude I ever boned family’s Christmas card
To cultivate wholesome and exclusively real-life experiences was once the dream
Now I’m streaming YouTubes of geese playing with Saint Bernards
The illusion of asshole-free photos and status updates fades
As I inch one step closer to the graveyard
All I wanted was for Facebook to go bankrupt
So I could resume watching VHS tapes of Die Hard.

MINDFULNESS IN PARENTING

I resolved to be positive, grateful, and calm
But that only worked for a brief time-frame
Last night two little jerks who came from my vadge wouldn’t stop fighting
Over Sorry, the WORST board game.
To have a nice "family game night" was once the dream
Now kids are throwing their pieces and cards
This game is so fucking boring anyhow
I keep moving my guy back and forth over the same five squares right now
All I wanted was to kill an hour before bedtime without resorting to screens
And keep my gratitude and mindfulness vow. 

I Wrote a Goodbye Poem to the 7 Banned CDC Words

Goodbye, sweet VULNERABLE

You've made us uncomfortable

You're helpless and fragile and meek 

You describe populations

Condemned to damnation

By Trump every day of the week.

 

And so long, ENTITLEMENT

We now feel ambivalent

Toward your programs and duties and rights 

The government sucks!

Full of snowflakes and cucks

But my hedge fund will soar like a kite.

And sorry, DIVERSITY

For all this adversity

But we like things to be just the same

All white male and Christian

That's Jesus Christ's mission!

So we'll find some brown druggies to blame.

And FETUS, my friend

You're a means to an end

A baby, we'd rather you be

We sure hate your uterus

This isn't so new to us

But Viagra? Well that will be free.

And well, SCIENCE-BASED

You are not in good taste

Einstein and Newton be damned

Science is lies

(Or at best has "two sides")

And so you are forever banned.

Take care, EVIDENCE-BASED 

The fact must be faced

That the truth is a fungible thing

We can't say there's evidence

But we can murder elephants

Oh it's good to have Trump for our King!

Bon voyage, dear TRANSGENDER

Your mysterious splendor

Was too much for our bean-brains to take

We'll say you don't exist

And we'll write up a list

Of banned words, and make news that is fake.

Andrew Dice Clay Named Poet Laureate of the United States

Rounding out a string of cabinet appointments and special posts this week, President Donald Trump appointed Andrew Dice Clay the next poet laureate of the United States. 

"The Diceman," known for his provocative "adult nursery rhymes" famously banned from the 1989 MTV Music Awards, is the sort of outside-the-beltway maverick who is the hallmark of this unconventional President's nascent administration.

"Andrew is a terrific, terrific guy," President Trump tweeted Wednesday. "He's going to do an amazing job as poet laureate!"

Reading from a prepared statement offered by Mr. Dice-Clay, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer exclaimed, "OH!" and then took a huge drag off a cigarette.

An annotated volume of Mr. Dice-Clay's collected works, entitled--"Mother Goose, Yeah, I Fucked Her!"--is sampled here and slated for publication by Oxford University Press later this year. The tome includes such classics as:

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And said, "Hey! What's in the bowl, bitch!"

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
and he gave her a bone of his own!

Mr. Dice-Clay's colleagues in the poetry community offered their congratulations. Long-time associate, mentor, and recent Trump NEA grant recipient Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew, said: "There's only one place where you can go, where the price is right to fuck a ho. And Andrew knows where that place is. It's Washington D.C."

Coffee O Coffee!

Coffee O' Coffee!

It's almost cliché

The critical start that you give to my day.

The sound of your beans as they grind to a pulp

To be turned into brew that I desperately gulp.

Without you a migraine sets in rather fast

And my patience for bullshit will simply not last.

Black hot or iced or defiled with syrup

The taste of strong coffee is certain to cheer up.

Coffee O' Coffee!

And did I yet mention

The soothing effect that you have on digestion?

Soothing perhaps is not quite the right word

But suffice it to say that you make a fine turd

For even before I have drained my first sip

A date with the John is a guaranteed trip

The stronger the better

You're full of caffeine 

A drug Nancy Reagan decided was clean

For unlike weed, crack, and some other bad shit

Caffeine is a drug that gets everyone lit!

A world without coffee would not be the same

Caffeine is like smart phones and Facebook and blame:

A drug used by people rich, poor, and between

In order to cope with diminishing dreams.

Coffee O' Coffee!

Fair trade or organic

Or brought to your break room in ways more Satanic

Like plucked from a farmer with two dozen kids

For 5 cents on the dollar 

Or the next lowest bid.

Coffee O' Coffee!

Elixir of Life

You keep me from stabbing my eye with a knife.

And make it such that I can greet every day

With my cynical nihilism slightly at bay.

When night falls and coffee is no longer wise

Your twin sister, booze, will then shutter my eyes.

Ryan Lochte Learns His ABC's

A is for Asswipe which clearly he is
B is for Bros there are lots in his biz
C is for Can you believe he's this dumb?
D is for Definitely Dumb as a Drum
E is for Everyone fooled by his tale
F is for Failure on a staggering scale
G is for Gold sure he's nabbed a few medals
H is for Hella big balls and back-pedals
I is for Idiot when words pass his lips
J is for "JEAH!," (that's his signature quip)
K is for Kicks that he does in the pool
L is for Lochte is Lookin' the fool
M is for Mendacious (a pretty big word!)
N is for No one's believing this turd
O is for OH NO HE DIDN'T JUST LIE!?
P is for Please kiss your sponsors goodbye
Q is for Questions he can't quite reply
R is for Rio which told him NICE TRY!
S is for Stupid (and privileged and white)
T is for "Tantics"--he's slightly un-bright?
U is for Underwhelmed by his robbery yarn
V is for Very big horse out that barn
W is for When Will his P.R. Woes end?
X is for X is the date there, my friend!
Y is for YOLO, you only live once!
Z is the grade the world's giving this dunce.

Prince: A Eulogy in Alphabet

A is for Artist (as formerly known)

B is for Business (he minded his own)

C is for Corvette, little and red

D is for Doves, who will cry for the dead

E is for Eyes, which he drew before texting

F is for Funk and Fly music for sexing

G is for Guitar, rhythm and blues

H is for Hendrix, a critical muse

I is for Internet, losing its shit

J is for Joints (they go great with his hits)

K is for King, his alternative name

L is for Loss of a Legend, a shame

M is for Musical Marvel, it's said

N is for Never did go to his head

O is for Sinead O' and Sign O' the Times
P is for Party like it's '99
Q is for Questions (and many remain)
R is for Rain clouds that shed purple Rain
S is for Songs (he wrote hundreds of them)
T is for Tapes (I owned upwards of Ten)
U is for "Uptown," that made him a star
V is for Vegas, where he opened a bar
W is for Women, he had quite a stable
X is for Ix-Nay he gave to his label
Y is for Y die at just 57?
Z is for Zany forever in heaven.

If Shakespeare Wrote These 7 Rap Lyrics

Cruz (Based on the Song "Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line)

Buddy you a dong
You make me wanna move to Canada, Ted Cruz

Yeah, when I first saw that ol' smugly face on him
He's' poppin right up in my newsfeed aw fuck him

Thought, oh, good lord, he had a smushed-up head
Couldn't help myself so I threw up and said

Baby you a dong
You make me wanna move to Canada, Ted Cruz

Watchin' you debate doing shots in the middle
Every time you say something stupid
In that fancy old White House with a nice lawn

We'd be a hella lot better off with Genghis Khan.

So baby you a dong
You make me wanna move to Canada, Ted Cruz

He was defunding Planned P'hood I think it was last summer
I was falling in hate, he couldn't a sounded dumber
He hopped right up to debate Donald Trump

I said, "Fire it up, let's get this nation fucked!"

Baby you a dong
You make me wanna move to Canada, Ted Cruz

Baby you a dong
You make me wanna roll my windows down, and puke ...

Donald Trump's Favorite Things

Fine scotch and dick jokes and all of "my people"

Spray tans and hair that stands up like a steeple 

Angry young protesters tied up with string

These are a few of my favorite things!

Lush green golf courses and gilded casinos

Twitter and money and being a mean-o

Wild lies that fly from my mouth on the wing

These are a few of my favorite things!

Girls in tight dresses with silicone titties

Stereo-types for each non-white ethnicity

Bankrupt hotels that I spin into bling

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the truth strikes, when a Tweet stings

When I'm raging mad,

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don't feel so bad!

Melania Trump Has Never Taken a Shit in Her Life and I Wrote a New Song About It

Every bro worth his X-Box and Maxim subscription knows for a fact chicks don't shit. Well, maybe fat chicks do, but definitely NOT hot chicks. So it will not surprise you to learn that Donald Trump claims he's never known his wife to drop a deuce. Ever! Yes, that is the level of presidential discourse to which we have now sunk in this Great Nation. 

And that is is why I've written a new version of Journey's famous rock anthem/ballad "Don't Stop Believing" dedicated to Melania Dump's Trump's superhuman ability to contain her bowels. 

It's called Don't Start Relieving (Yourself, Melania Trump), and it goes a little something like this. Ahem.

Don’t Start Relieving (Yourself, Melania Trump)

Just a Slavic girl

Givin’ Donald Trump a whirl

She takes a private jet almost everywhere

Just an orange boy

Whose hairdo looks like raw bok choy

He takes a private jet almost everywhere

A toilet in a stinky room

The smell of shit and Glade perfume

Something tells me this ain’t right

Reeks like a sewer bomb, a bomb, a bomb, a booooomb

Bowels, moving

Up and down the gastric tract

Intestines searching for relief

Feces, doody

Tryin’ just to find an exit

Hidin’ somewhere out of siiiiiiiight

Eating nothing (save for pills)

This body rocks and pays the bills

Plastic surgery to keep looking nice

For a longer time

Some will win, some will lose

Some were born to make no pooos

Oh, this campaign never ends

It goes on and on, and on, and on

Don’t start, relieving

Hold on to that feelin’

Come on, Melania

Hot chicks don’t poooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Donald Trump Just Called Ted Cruz a "Pussy" and I Wrote a Poem About It

A is for Asshole, that's right near the spot
B is for Balls, some say Trump has a lot
C is for C-U-Next-Tuesday, that word!
D is for Dammit, is that what we heard?!
E is for Echo, repeating the phrase
F is for Fill the news cycle for days
G is for G-spot and Genitals too
H is for Hairy, that place where we screw
I is for Imbeciles, Trump has them beat
J is for Juicy, soft tender pink meat
K is for King of the Crass, that is Trump
L is for Lips near a Lady's fine rump
M is for Mazin, Ted's old college pal
N is for Natural, warm birth canal
O is for Obvious, total line cross
P is for "Pussy," 'cause Trump knows who's boss!
Q is for Quickly Quit yammering now
R is for Rapidly lowering brow
S is for Seriously, that's where we're at?
T is for Trump, that's the answer to that!
U is for Under this bar there's no room
V is for Vajayjay and Va-Va-Va-VOOM!
W is for What the Fuck did he just say?
X is for X-rated vocabulary
Y is for Yawning dark chasm of lust
Z is for Zapping decorum to dust.

The Kanye West/Amber Rose #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch Ass-Play Tweet Beef Set to the Text of Green Eggs & Ham, by Dr. Seuss

I am Ye
Ye is me

That Ye-is-me
That Ye-is-me
I do not like that Ye-is-me!

Do you like
It in the ass?

I do not like that
Ye-is-Me
I do not like
It backwards, see?

Would you like it
Here or there?

I would not like it
Here or there
I would not like it
Anywhere
I do not like it Amber Rose
I do not like it with some hoes

Would you like it
In your Benz?
Would you like it
With some friends?

I do not like it in my Benz
I do not like it with my friends
I do not like it here or there
I do not like it anywhere!

Would you like it in a hotel suite?
Would you? Could you?
For a treat?
On my finger, have a seat!

I would not
Could not
In a suite

You might like it
You will see.
You might do it
Back to me!

I would not could not in a suite
Not in my Benz, not for a treat.
I do not like it with Amber Rose
I do not like it with some hoes
I do not like it in my Benz
I do not like it with some friends
I do not like it here or there
I do not like it anywhere!

A club! A club!
A club! A club!
Could you, would you
In a club?

Not in a club! Not in a suite!
Not in my Benz! Not for a treat!

Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not, in the dark.

You do not like
Fingers in the booty ass bitch?

I do not like them
Not one bit.

You do not like them, SO YOU SAY.
Try them, try them, and you may.
Stick one in your ass, I say!

Ye
If you will let me be
I will try it
You will see.

Say!
I like fingers in the booty ass bitch!
I do! I like them! I'll catch! You pitch!
And I would do it in a Benz
And I would do it with my friends
And I would do it with some hoes
And I would do it with Amber Rose
And I would do it in a suite
And I would do it for a treat
And I would do it in a club
And I would do it in a tub

I do so like
Some good ass play
Thank you!
Thank you!
Love,
Kanye

The Ultimate B.o.B. Conspiracy Theory Rap

Based on B.o.B.'s diss track, Flatline, which he dropped this week on Neil deGrasse Tyson and in which he argues the earth is flat.

[VERSE 1]:

Yo, you ain’t heard the truth
I’m a motherfuckin’ science sleuth
The government--they cover shit up
You like a baby, drinkin’ their bullshit from a sippy cup
Yeah, I said it: the earth is FLAT!
What? You think I’m crazy like a shit-house rat?
Aye, Neil Armstrong never walked the moon
That shit was staged up at the studio where they filmed Dune!
Aye, I’m over here givin’ you the X-files
Come on over, over, over for a little while
Aye, I don’t care what you say
9/11 was an inside job like JFK
If they weren’t coming for me then
They coming for me now
I can’t even tell you
Evolution like the Brooklyn Bridge they tryna sell you
Professors get off my dick and prove that AIDS
Wasn’t created by the muthafuckin’ CIA
Woo, use your, use your eyes and ears for once
Roswell aliens and air force at Area 51 chillin,' rollin’ blunts!
I said the Holocaust never happened, so what bruh?
Shakespeare was a bitch and Hitler faked his own death, so?

[HOOK]
Science, science
It’s a secret alliance
Science, science
You got me once, but now I’m defiant!

[VERSE 2]
Lies, lies, all of it lies
Do I give a fuck? It’s time to recognize
Physics, chemistry, biology, what is it?
These cats with PhDs think they “evidence” the shiznit

People with degrees say the climate is warmin' up?

I guess that's why a blizzard just last week came stormin' up?

Hypnotized by something called the scientific method

You write a thesis then you think you intrepid?

Fuck you and your oral exam panel, you gonna be neglected

They stressed, cause they know science is crazier 

Than Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Do your homework on Paris and Princess Diana

Look it up: she didn't crash, her limo's tailpipe got stuffed with a banana.

[HOOK]
Science, science
It’s a secret alliance
Science, science
You got me once, but now I’m defiant!

The ABC's of David Bowie, For Future Young Generations of Bowie Fans

A is for Albums, he made 28

B is for Bowie, the late and the great

C is for Coltrane, an early jazz muse

D is for Drugs, which he sometimes abused

E is for Eccentric, and a damaged left Eye

F is for Freak Flag, he flew wide and high

G is for guitar, he played to acclaim

H is for Heteropoda, a spider bearing his name

I is for Iman, his wife of two decades

J is for Jazz, a saxophone renegade

K is for Krautrock, a genre he played

L is for Labyrinth, a film that he made

M is for Music, he created uniquely

N is for New Wave, he crushed it completely

O is for Oddities, flying through space

P is for Putting lightening bolts on his face

Q is for Questioning sexual choices
R is for Radness, in differing voices

S is for Spiders, who came down from Mars
T is for Tin Machine and Touring with stars
U is for U.K., his country of birth
V is for Voice, most distinctive on earth
W is for Wacky and Wonderful-Weird
X is for X marks our hearts, he's revered
Y is for Young Americans, heavy and heady
Z is for Ziggy, we miss you already.