Friday, March 31, 2017

The Laughter of Little Children is Highly Overrated and Honesty is Underrated

It really is. Everyone's always like, "the laughter of little children this, the laughter of little children that," like it's this magic sound made from rainbow dust and unicorn farts. 

But let's be honest, because honesty is underrated:  The laughter of little children is actually pretty annoying. Sometimes it's cute, sure. Like when a puppy licks their faces or when you play peek-a-boo when they're babies. Most of the time, though, the laughter of little children is not nearly as adorable as that. 

Most of the time it portends trouble.

When I hear my own children laughing, at least, it's usually because they're doing something they shouldn't be. Something semi-dangerous like wrestling or climbing, which turns into crying very quickly. Or they're whispering curse words. Or speaking in baby-talk (THE WORST). Or drawing on their faces with magic markers, or other really naughty stuff. 

The laughter of little children is almost never, EVER funny to an adult, it's really loud, it usually means a giant mess is in the making, and it almost always turns into crying. The laughter of little children is highly overrated. At least it is in my experience. The laughter of little children has jumped the shark big time in the grand shark-jumping of human evolution. 

Do you know what else is overrated and jumped the shark this week? This blog! Here's what a dude I know personally and professionally wrote online last night about me and O.H.M.:
I don't really read her blog at all anymore. It seems to mostly be just repeated variations on the "I'm going to sit here on the couch wearing a snuggie and eating Frito's bean dip straight from a can and anyone who claims to ever do anything different is either lying or Gwyneth Paltrow" theme.

Now that was funny, and it made me laugh for two reasons: (1) how would someone who doesn't read my blog "at all anymore" know I wrote about Gwyneth Paltrow just this week?; and (2) It was cutting, mean, petty, and also true enough to have hurt my feelings for a minute. 

For a minute.

See, for better or worse, self-hatred is my most dominant character trait. You're sort of hate-proof if you already hate yourself more than the person who's hurling invective at you, and it's oddly liberating. I'm not proud of being depressed and neurotic, and I don't want to hate myself. I definitely don't think people who are eating well and exercising in the fresh air everyday like I should be doing too are "lying." I mean, I see them everyday on my way to work and I'm not inclined to deny tangible evidence I experience with my own eyes.

But I do think writing honestly is a good thing, and honesty is underrated. And honestly, "at all anymore" is not the same increment of time as "two days ago."

Soreeee. That shit is FAKE NEWS!

The Mike Pence Guide to Eating Alone with Women

Vice President Mike Pence recently drew shade for a 2002 interview he gave to the Hill in which he said he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife, and he won't attend events that involve alcohol without her by his side, either. 

Various writers pointed out that although in Mike Pence's case this is rooted in religious beliefs, the practice in general can hold professional women back from key meetings and opportunities. It's limiting for women when powerful male counterparts perceive and value them mostly on the basis of their sexual desirability, and avoid them out of fear that female sexuality will be weaponized against them. 

Here's a quote pull from the above-linked article that sums up this conundrum well:
Because of that, when men avoid professional relationships with women, even if for noble reasons, it actually hurts women in the end. 'The research is irrefutable: Those with larger networks earn more money and get promoted faster. Because men typically dominate senior management, there’s evidence that the most valuable network members may be men,' wrote Kim Elsesser, a  research scholar at the UCLA Center for the Study of Women, in the Los Angeles Times recently. 'Without access to beneficial friendships and mentor relationships with executive men, women won’t be able to close the gender gap that exists in most professions.'
That's why I've prepared this handy pocket guide for the Mike Pences of the world to help them eat alone with professional women:

1. When you arrive at a restaurant for a business dinner with a professional woman, do not assume that she carefully chose her outfit with "fucking you later" in mind.

2. When you're standing around at the bar having cocktails before you're seated, do not assume that trying to get a buzz on in order to make conversation flow better means that she's actually trying to increase her chances of fucking you.

3. When you're seated at your table and the waiter comes over and asks if he can get you guys started on any appetizers, do not assume she wants to fuck you as opposed to just eat a microgreens salad with roasted beets and goat cheese on it.

4. When the waiter starts telling you that they have a great seared scallop special tonight with a light soy demi-glaze and a buerre blanc reduction, do not assume that when she says, "sure, I think I'll go for that," "that" secretly means your dick.

5. When you start talking about projects and Power Points and other work stuff, assume she's trying to figure out how to get your job and make more money than you, not that she's actually so turned on by your brilliance that she wants to fuck you on the table right then and there.

6. When the waiter shows up to clear your plates and she smiles and says "thank you" politely to the waiter, do not assume that "thank you" really means "let's fuck," to the waiter or to you.

7. When the waiter asks if you have any room for dessert and she says "maybe I'll have a cup of coffee," do not assume she's trying to prolong the evening in order to increase her chances of fucking you.

8. When it's time to leave the restaurant and she orders herself an Uber, do not assume she's just waiting for you to say something--anything--to foil that plan just so she can go ahead and try to fuck you someplace far away from your wife.

There. Easy, right?

Thursday, March 30, 2017

I Can Take It!


Some people got mad at me tonight about some perceived stereotypes re: stripping/exotic dancing in my last post. I feel a little shitty about that, because it's clear (or it should be) that I have like, nooooooo fucking idea what I'm talking about. 

Like, none. Ever.

I actually love it when people call me out on my shit and offer constructive criticism. Trying and failing to get me fired in real life was a bridge too far, I'll say--but constructive criticism, I love.

I learn the most about myself and other people when they call me out on my shit. Tonight I went to a presentation where the concept of privilege was discussed. When people are called upon to "check their privilege," it can be a little bit of a defensive moment where the person feels victimized and forced into "PC" mode or something. 

But I never feel that way. There's a fine line between funny and mean, and because that line is inherently subjective, it's kind of impossible not to cross it sometimes. I do my best, but I don't always succeed.

Every time someone gets mad at me for something I write, which is often, I welcome it as an opportunity to reflect back and ask myself if the criticism is well-deserved. Sometimes I agree it is and sometimes I don't, but I always welcome it because I always learn from it.

In this particular case, it should be clear I don't have the first clue about the stripper arts and I am certainly not knocking the profession. I welcome all the lawyer jokes in the world, believe me. No one makes more lawyer jokes than me, believe me. And no one thinks I'm lamer than myself, believe me.

Now I sound like Trump. But you get the idea.

I mean, for fuck's sake. I pretend to be a badass feminist by singing P!nk lyrics in the car at the top of my lungs.  "JUST LIKE FIRE BURNIN UP THE WAY IF I COULD LIGHT THE WORLD UP FOR JUST ONE DAY WATCH THIS MADNESS COLORFUL CHARADE NO ONE CAN BE JUST LIKE ME ANY--"

Enough said.

This Dancing Exotic Pole on Juneau Buy-Sell-Trade is FIRE!

If you live in Juneau, I don’t need to tell you, because you already know.

The Juneau Buy-Sell-Trade Facebook page is FIRE. It’s even better than Juneau Community Concern, whose page administrators once excoriated me for linking my blog posts there, prompting an indignant, Kanye West/Wiz Khalifa-style Internet beef of which I relished every moment.

Fast forward to last night, when an alert reader urged me to “please do something with this,” and by “this” she meant this ad on Juneau Buy-Sell-Trade trying to unload a “dancing exotic pole.”

Without the benefit of pics (which are not readily available per the seller), I’d hazard a guess that this is technically a stripper pole, though as you can see, the ad does not use that word because “exotic dancing” is the preferred term for “stripping” in the lingua franca of the pole arts.

As I’ve said before, I have nothing against the pole arts, be it getting naked and humping a pole for one-dollar bills in your thong, or rocking some foreplay in the privacy of your own bedroom. But I do have something against euphemisms, and let's be honest: "exotic dancing” is to “stripping” what “extreme vetting” is to “ethnic cleansing.”

Returning to the matter at hand (or boob), this “dancing exotic pole” is a STEAL at a $75 discount. Particularly if it actually dances, like some Hermione Granger-type shit? Sadly, it seems likely the advertiser made a grammatical error here as opposed to being in possession of an exotic pole that magically dances on its own in a Harry Potter meets Hooters-type scenario. If I’m wrong, then the seller of this pole is sitting on a gold mine and someone needs to snatch it up, stat!

Juneau has a pretty transient population, with people moving in and out all the time for any number of reasons, which makes for a lively free marketplace of depreciable goods one might rather leave behind. One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure, as they say, and this exotic dancing pole certainly fits the bill.

PLUS a how-to-video, extensions, extra parts, and a mysterious “tool," all of which are included for the low low price of $175? The only thing missing is the Cotsco-sized container of 200 Clorox wipes you will need to wipe this thing down.

Talk about a package deal.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Harriet Tubman Rises from the Dead to Troll Donald Trump on Twitter

"She was very, very courageous, believe me."
--President Donald J. Trump on Harriet Tubman
Women's Empowerment Panel, March 29, 2017

Remember that time Frederick Douglass trolled President Trump on Twitter for not realizing he was dead? Well, now Harriet Tubman has done the same thing!*

@realHarrietTubman: After 90 years, failed POTUS and slave-owner Andrew Jackson will FINALLY disappear from the $20 bill and I will MAKE THE $20 GREAT AGAIN, believe me!

@realHarrietTubman: Despite what you have heard from THE FAKE NEWS, I had a GREAT meeting with William Lloyd Garrison in Dorchester, Maryland. Big crowds! THANK YOU, DORCHESTER!

@realHarrietTubman: The Fugitive Slave Law of 1850 was a DISASTER and totally imploded! We made great progress with abolition despite VERY rude and vicious people attacking us in Congress!

@realHarrietTubman: Why doesn't DISHONEST CNN report that I carried a revolver on the Underground Railroad and was not afraid to use it? I was the original Second Amendment Person!

@realHarrietTubman: Terrible! Just found out that @realDonaldTrump called me "very, very courageous" when in fact he should have used at least five "verys!" VERY SAD!

@realHarrietTubman: I hearby hereby demand an IMMEDIATE investigation into the kidnapping of my maternal grandmother from Ghana, which total loser Ben Carson called "immigration!"

@realHarrietTubman: Totally pathetic that @realDonaldTrump asked a room full of women if they knew who Susan B. Anthony was. POTUS is overplaying his hand!

@realHarrietTubman: I spent eleven years making THE BEST DEALS to free fugitive slaves at great personal risk. Failing POTUS @realDonaldTrump can't even close the deal on colonoscopy coverage!

@realHarrietTubman: Don't believe the lying (fake news) media. The raid on Harper's Ferry was a TREMENDOUS success. John Brown is a terrific guy who has been treated very unfairly. So-called angry crowds were actually, in numerous cases, paid slave owners!

@realHarrietTubman: I'd bet a good doctor could make a great case out of the fact that I suffered a major head injury as a child at the hands of a slave owner, and was still MUCH smarter than @realDonaldTrump!  

*Not really.

4 DIY, All-Natural Hair Treatments that Will Use Up All Your Groceries and Leave Behind a Ferret-Sized Clump of Hair in Your Drain

Fess up, girls. We all want gorgeous, healthy hair without a ton of harsh chemicals that can damage our locks and the planet.


But we also want to use up all our groceries for vanity and leave behind a shitload of hair for our partners, spouses, and roommates to complain about!

That’s why O.H.M. is bringing you these four, cruelty-free, eco-friendly hair treatments for you to waste your time and money on while you could be doing better things like making an omelet from the eggs you just cracked over your head:

1. Apple Cider Vinegar and Avocado Oil Hair Mask: Did you know the acid and proteins in apple cider vinegar and avocados closely mimic your hair’s own natural oils? Well they don’t, but who cares. Because now instead of making salad dressing, you can pour some on your head! Gently massage the salad dressing into your scalp, and leave behind at least fifteen long, witchy strands of hair that will stick to the side of the shower and find their way into your roommate’s mouth as she curses your name while frantically trying to pick another person's loose hair out of her teeth.

2. Lemon Juice and Olive Oil Scalp Scrub: Fight pesky, itchy scalp with a lemon juice and olive oil scalp scrub. Use Meyer Lemons and Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EVOO) because only Meyer Lemons and EVOO are legit now for some reason. Sure, lemon juice and olive oil are basic cooking ingredients you might need for nutrition, but whatevs. You also need them to straight KILL IT with super sexy hair! And the next time you vacuum, see if the hair inside the bag is enough to make a pillow or a donation to Locks for Love.

3. Greek Yogurt Leave-In Conditioner: Greek yogurt is a supes popular breakfast item nowadays, but it also contains probiotic Omega-3 fatty acids and anti-free radical something or other that beauty experts and scienticians everywhere SWEAR by. Buy a tub of plain Greek yogurt, spoon it all over your hair, look in the mirror, and yell at yourself (out loud) to get your fucking life right. Then see if a hair or two ends up between every layer of the lasagna you’re making for dinner later.

4. Cage-Free Raw Egg Hair Treatment: Egg yolks are chock full of fats and proteins while the whites kill harmful bacteria. What relationship this specious pseudo-science has to cracking six eggs over your head I couldn’t tell you, but I can tell you that you need to crack six eggs over your head IMMEDES to look super hot, m’kay? This treatment is guaranteed to leave behind the shiniest hair of your life—a soapy, weasel-sized clump of which is now shoved deep into your bathroom plumbing, never to be retrieved until the tub stops draining, at which point it will be extracted with a metal barbeque skewer by your husband over the sound of his retching gags.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Maybe Donald Trump Should Stop Talmbout Russia and Uranium

If there was ever a doubt that Donald Trump is your racist uncle who Forrest Gumped himself into the Oval Office, you can put that doubt to rest with his comments on Russia and uranium.

It's unclear from this tweet what Trump means by "Fake News," although it is abundantly clear that "Fake News" in Trump-speak is any news that reports at all critically on Donald Trump. 

That automatically makes it "Fake News." Of course, it also makes everything else state-sponsored propaganda, particularly when he tells you to watch it. To paraphrase Forrest Gump, fascist is as fascist does:

When you read his definition of uranium, though, you won't be surprised he doesn't know how to spell "tap" or "hereby." Marie Curie this dude is not: 

Actually, uranium isn't a "thing called nuclear weapons." It's an element on the periodic table, which Trump would know if he'd paid attention in high school chemsistry. For someone who had every opportunity in life, he sure didn't try too hard to learn anything. Not many things. Very few things, good OR bad, I'm afraid.

Maybe he should focus on a different element. Like gold, which is his favorite color, or helium, which makes up 50% of his brain mass. Citizens of the United States: this is your president, and no one knows what dafuq he talmbout. 

Like. EVER.

5 Reasons to Drink More Water that Also Maybe Include Peeing So Much that You Miss Out on Life and Inadvertently Perpetuate the Patriarchy

Okay girlfriends: be honest. You're not drinking enough water. Am I right? Wait don't answer that. I'm totally right.

NO WOMAN DRINKS ENOUGH WATER. Did you know that if you have a vagina, you need 6 times as much water as your non-vagina-having human counterparts?

If your lips aren't glued to a BPA-free water bottle 12 hours a day and your ass isn't hovering over a toilet the other 12, then you're doing womanhood wrong.

Here are 5 reasons to drink more water that also maybe include peeing so often that you miss out on life and inadvertently perpetuate the patriarchy:

1. Brighter Skin!: Drinking water will make you look 10 years younger, which is important, because looking old is gross AF. It will also make you pee a lot. So much that you can't do much else. Remember when Hillary had to pee in the middle of that one debate? She's not POTUS now, is she?

2. Fewer Headaches!: Dehydration headaches are the worst! Drinking 6-8 glasses of water per day will help with that. It will also keep your mouth on the edge of a glass a LOT, just in case you're tempted to open it up and speak your mind.

3. Boost Your Immunity!: Being sick is such a bummer. Good thing Mother Nature has the best medicine in the whole world. WATER! No one will guess you're super-humanly healthy because you'll be getting up to urinate every three minutes and spectators might suspect you're bullimic, which maybe you are. Too bad you missed the best slide in that whole presentation just now!

4. Increase Your Energy!: Do you ever have a case of the blahs? It's because you're dehydrated. Fill up three one liter-water bottles and set them on your desk at work. Instead of doing anything productive, stay laser-focused on drinking every last drop in all three bottles in case you're about to solve a big important math problem. We wouldn't want quantum physics to distract you from your bladder or glowing skin!

5. Flush Out Toxins!:
You don't know what this means, but you know you want to do it. Toxins are bad. Doesn't that word sound so bad? TOXINS. You can almost envision little free radical skulls and GMO crossbones whirling through your bloodstream and making you older and sicker by the minute. You might even be curious about the scientific background of why and how "flushing toxins" is so important and what a "free radical" is, but speaking of flushing, it's time to pee again so forget science and check your lipstick while you're in the bathroom, K?

Seriously though, sister: you don't drink enough water. I can't emphasize this enough.

Monday, March 27, 2017

10 Ways Alaskans Can Make the Most Out of Seward's Day

Not everyone gets two state holidays and a $1,000 check in oil revenue each year, but if you're an Alaskan, you get both! 

Today is Seward's Day, in which we celebrate William H. Seward's 1867 purchase of Alaska from Russia, whom it didn't actually belong to in the first place and it doesn't belong to America either, but that's cool because colonialism.

Anyhoooo, lots of us are confused about how to best spend Seward's Day to honor Abraham Lincoln's/Andrew Johnson's Rex Tillerson. 

Here are ten fresh ideas:

1. Go to your local shopping mall and sit on Seward's lap from 12:00-3:00 p.m. Ask him if you're on the naughty or nice list and whisper in his ear what territorial real estate deals you'd like to make in the coming year.

2. Check out Amazon for great Seward's Day deals on watch fobs and mutton chop wax.

3. Dress up as "Sexy William H. Seward" in fishnet stockings, a cat ear headband, and a starched collar.

4. Make a Seward Day signature cocktail featuring absinthe over hunks of glacial ice.

5. Cut down a Seward Day tree and decorate it with tiny plastic igloos, polar bears, and other realistic symbols of Alaska.

6. Selfie time: Daguerrotypes or it didn't happen!

7.  Go to Little Diomede where the Russians can maybe see you. Pull your pants down, moon them, and yell,"HACK THIS!"

8. Check out Pinterest for great Seward's Day recipes, including Seward Nog and actor William H. Macy's no-bake William H. Seward gluten-free thumbprint cookies.

9. Go on a Seward's Day hunt where you scatter various treaties and bills all over your lawn. The first one to find the Alaska treaty wins a special basket from the Seward Bunny!

10. Four words: Cadbury Seward's Day Eggs.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Bitch, Please

This week's tied gold medal in the "Bitch, Please" awards goes to United Airlines for "leggings gate" and Oklahoma Congressman George Faught, who said rape and incest were gifts from God.

A couple of teenage girls, who were "pass travelers" and thus "representing" United Airlines, were scolded by a gate agent that their leggings weren't appropriate travel attire, and kicked off a plane in Denver. 

Welp, I don't need to tell you that the whole Internet dragged United up to 30,000 feet and back down again for policing teenage girl modesty as if the D Concourse at the Denver International Airport were a Sunday church service. 

Ironically, many of the same people who shame teenage girls for wearing leggings also don't want Muslim women to wear the hijab--especially in an airport. 

So what's it gonna be? Modesty or nah?

Regardless, let's not pretend the days of dressing up for travel aren't long over. Grownass men show up for flights wearing actual pajamas and carrying pillows with them. The pendulum of travel formality has swung all the way from suits and ties to cargo shorts, mesh tank tops, and flannel pants with the word "JUICY" printed on the ass

Nonetheless, United doubled down on its spandex soapbox and spent all day in a public-relations shitstorm defending their decision on Twitter. Is teenage-girl-leggings-shaming really going to be the hill United Airlines chooses to die on?  

Apparently so.

Moving on, the second "Bitch, Please" gold medal goes to Congressman George Faught of Oklahoma's 34th Congressional District, who told a local radio station that "God never approves of rape or incest, however even in the worst circumstances, God can bring beauty from ashes." 

He also said that while "rape might not be the best thing that ever happened" if you read the Bible, "there were actually a couple of circumstances where that happened and the Lord uses all circumstances."


So here are today's two lessons for women, courtesy of an elected official and a major commercial air carrier

(1) If your uncle rapes you, it's not like, the worst thing that ever happened. And if you get pregnant, s'cool, because it's actually a beautiful thing. Plenty of women got raped by their family members in the Bible and everything turned out okay for them because God

(2) If you're flying United, cover your ass, slut.