Tuesday, March 28, 2017

5 Reasons to Drink More Water that Also Maybe Include Peeing So Much that You Miss Out on Life and Inadvertently Perpetuate the Patriarchy

Okay girlfriends: be honest. You're not drinking enough water. Am I right? Wait don't answer that. I'm totally right.

NO WOMAN DRINKS ENOUGH WATER. Did you know that if you have a vagina, you need 6 times as much water as your non-vagina-having human counterparts?

If your lips aren't glued to a BPA-free water bottle 12 hours a day and your ass isn't hovering over a toilet the other 12, then you're doing womanhood wrong.

Here are 5 reasons to drink more water that also maybe include peeing so often that you miss out on life and inadvertently perpetuate the patriarchy:

1. Brighter Skin!: Drinking water will make you look 10 years younger, which is important, because looking old is gross AF. It will also make you pee a lot. So much that you can't do much else. Remember when Hillary had to pee in the middle of that one debate? She's not POTUS now, is she?

2. Fewer Headaches!: Dehydration headaches are the worst! Drinking 6-8 glasses of water per day will help with that. It will also keep your mouth on the edge of a glass a LOT, just in case you're tempted to open it up and speak your mind.

3. Boost Your Immunity!: Being sick is such a bummer. Good thing Mother Nature has the best medicine in the whole world. WATER! No one will guess you're super-humanly healthy because you'll be getting up to urinate every three minutes and spectators might suspect you're bullimic, which maybe you are. Too bad you missed the best slide in that whole presentation just now!

4. Increase Your Energy!: Do you ever have a case of the blahs? It's because you're dehydrated. Fill up three one liter-water bottles and set them on your desk at work. Instead of doing anything productive, stay laser-focused on drinking every last drop in all three bottles in case you're about to solve a big important math problem. We wouldn't want quantum physics to distract you from your bladder or glowing skin!

5. Flush Out Toxins!:
You don't know what this means, but you know you want to do it. Toxins are bad. Doesn't that word sound so bad? TOXINS. You can almost envision little free radical skulls and GMO crossbones whirling through your bloodstream and making you older and sicker by the minute. You might even be curious about the scientific background of why and how "flushing toxins" is so important and what a "free radical" is, but speaking of flushing, it's time to pee again so forget science and check your lipstick while you're in the bathroom, K?

Seriously though, sister: you don't drink enough water. I can't emphasize this enough.

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