Friday, March 17, 2017

Clear Knee Mom Jeans are a Thing, and I am Officially Shook

I had to do independent research to believe it, but a full audit of the internet has verified that Nordstrom is, in fact, carrying "Clear Knee Mom Jeans" from Topshop for $95. Having booted Ivanka Trump's shitty shoes from their shelves, the upscale department store has now made way for an item that I do not even have words for. 

Wait, never mind. I have a few words for them.

Not since Clear Pepsi has the color clear been more egregiously abused. Like, I seriously do not even understand why. Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy? 

So many questions. First and most obviously: WHY clear knees? And then WHY admit that they're mom jeans? And then WHY COMBINE those two concepts? 

Also: if you buy them, will you look like Pat Benatar? Because the woman wearing these looks like Pat Benatar. And while Pat Benatar might happen to be a mom for all I know, she is certainly not wearing "mom jeans;" and if she is, I promise they do not have clear knees.

What, exactly, is to be gained by exposure of the knee in this manner? Is the knee like the new erogenous zone for moms, replacing cleavage and asses and all the other things you need to worry about when you're young? It's like, hi, you're a mom now, so welcome to exposing your sexy . . . knees?

I want an exclusive interview with the designer of these jeans. Truly I want to get into his or her head and find out exactly what they were thinking when they created these. Not because they're hideous, which they are. But because I want to be in on the creative process from which these were derived, like a Pink Floyd album or Alice in Wonderland. It's almost like the person who made these had to be on acid. There is no other possible explanation.

This is like the mullet of clothing: all business above and below (especially with the capri-cut, which is a staple of all mom pants), and a party in the middle. Or is it a vent for hot flashes? Or a new, ironic way to embarrass our children?

I am SO fucking confused right now. For reals.

1 comment:

  1. They might be a hit in certain circles if the 'clear' area was over the pubes, otherwise I'm as confused as you are. WHY?


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