Now What?

It's been a long time since I've written a full blog post. 

Maybe it's because the news has been coming in a furious barrage, and I feel like all I can do in response is tweet. And yet every day feels the same, like that Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day. With no social events or trips to rupture the monotony of work and childcare, I feel like it's all I can do to make it from one sunrise to the next. The "Before Times" feel like a distant memory as COVID continues to ravage the planet.

I was honored, though, to receive the Anchorage Press's award for Best Blogger. A reader alerted me to the alternative weekly's 2020 Press Picks, and suddenly I was like . . . wait a minute . . .  I need to get back to writing longer blog posts again! FOR SHAME! I need to live up to this award! And in any event, writing, especially now, feels cathartic and needed.

The same thing that's been on everyone's mind has been on mine as well: the twilight of the age of Trump, and what it means for us, individually as citizens and collectively as a nation. Even as the election teeters on a razor's edge, it seems increasingly out of reach for the incumbent, and yet we need to evaluate the dangers that remain, what we do to heal as a nation, and where we go from here.

I keep coming back to the through-line of domestic abuse. I'm certainly not the first person to analogize this president and this presidency to an abusive relationship, but the analogy continues to hold fast, especially now as the country gets ready to purge the Trump scourge.

Having served on the board of Juneau's AWARE shelter for several years now, I've learned a lot about rape culture, internalized misogyny, and the cycle of abuse and control. 

The parallels are stark.

Trump wooed this country with empty promises and we believed him, despite a documented history of literal rape and sexual abuse alleged by at least 26 different women. He promised to be the best boyfriend ever! The greatest and most terrific person we'd ever known! He was going to save us from ourselves and everything that came before! He was going to make us GREAT! But it soon became apparent that his real agenda was to use America to both line his pockets and feed his bottomless, insatiable ego.

Like any abuser, humiliation, petty name-calling, and vindictive, rageful language were Trump's stock-in-trade. He had a belittling nickname for everyone. We were once a country that shunned a vice presidential candidate for misspelling potato. We became one that not only tolerated daily spelling errors, schoolyard name-calling, and gleeful illiteracy, but much, much worse forms of physical abuse. 

Kids in cages separated from their parents, maybe forever. Forced hysterectomies. The use of physical, federal force to incite riots against us while exercising our constitutional rights. Encouraging vigilante white supremacy and neo-Nazism. Downplaying COVID, leading to murders over masks. Incessant discrediting of the "fake news" media, reminiscent of the old lugenpresse tactic.

And while Trump was using his Twitter account for stochastic terrorism, he was simultaneously congratulating himself for bestowing on us various gifts in the form of regulatory repeals or executive actions, Tweet screaming at us: "YOU'RE WELCOME!" and demanding we "ENJOY!" his largesse.

Like any abuser, Trump loved to level threats against us--threats to reject the results of the election and refuse to leave office peacefully, threats to shoot us in the street, nonstop litigation and obfuscation to keep us from learning about his financial and personal alliances that would compromise our nation. Then he and his enablers would say, but he's only joking. This wasn't his "intent." Excuse after excuse after miserable excuse.

Like any abuser, he lied and gaslit us to a dizzying degree, telling us to deny both history and the evidence of wrongdoing before our eyes, isolating us from our allies abroad, intimidating the press, and fracturing relationships between friends and family members right here in our own homes and workplaces. 

All the better to exert control--the sine qua non of the abuser.

Now, as the country prepares to leave Trump forever, we are holding our breath and standing at the most dangerous juncture in the abusive relationship. Anyone who works in domestic violence knows that when you threaten to leave, or do leave, the abuser is at his most volatile. Neither you nor he can control what happens next. The abuser is a cornered animal. He is losing control. He is -- and this is Trump's worst fear -- a literal "loser." His fight or flight instinct activates, and there's no telling what he will do. Will he walk away quietly? Or will he tie us to the bed and set the house on fire?

Yes, Trump has his cult following and always will. But America at large is tired and has had enough. We are worn down. We are sick of fighting with each other. We are sick of being victimized. We are sick of being, quite literally, sick.

How did this happen, and what happens next? 

While Trump wasn't our "fault," we as a nation were vulnerable to him, because we have not dealt with our own historical traumas: the fact that our nation was built on slavery and stolen indigenous land, the white-washing of history, and the minimizing of sexual violence both in the past and today. These blind-spots allowed Trump to slither in and reflect back at us our worst impulses and wrongdoings.

So where do we go from here? Leaving Trump in the rearview mirror is the literal bare minimum of what we need to do to even begin to heal as a nation. No one person can save us from ourselves. The Biden/Harris ticket is not going to magically and heroically erase 244 years of violent history that we have yet to reckon with or accept. 

It's not going to repair our personal relationships that were fractured when strangers--or worse--people we once knew and loved, stood by silently as our democracy crumbled, or chose to be loyalist quislings, or were forced to choose a side, and at times failed to choose the right side of history. 

As I write this, we have one foot out the door. We are tantalizingly close to leaving for good. But Trump is pulling us backwards--hard--by the scruff of our necks, breathing his fetid breath into our ears, threatening to leverage every weapon in his abusive arsenal to keep us in his thrall. Will he succeed? 

That's not up to him. It's up to us.

We Need to Be Done Being Cool with Homophobia and Transphobia

This shouldn't be a controversial statement, and yet it is. As a society, we need to actively “cancel” blithely accepting homophobia and transphobia as if these are socially acceptable ways to treat other people; people who are just trying to live their lives and partake in the equal benefits of secular society in a country that separates religion and government. 

As Slate reported yesterday, a newly-filed lawsuit against the State of Alaska has exposed what is--apparently--an institutionalized practice of denying military spouses of same-sex couples their PFD checks. 

What Attorney General Kevin Clarkson initially called a "false lawsuit" (whatever TF that means) and a "non-issue" in a since-deleted tweet appears not to be the outdated and good-faith "clerical error" it was first made out to be. 

To the contrary, sworn testimony and whistle-blowing state employees in the administration allege a current and intentional practice of relying on void, unconstitutional laws as the basis for these denials.

Discovery will bear out the full extent and veracity of these allegations. I defended the State from innumerable constitutional claims under five administrations and 12 plus years at the Department of Law, and I often felt that not all facts were fully known, so again, we will see what discovery unearths. 

But it doesn't look good.

I long ago lost faith in this administration's ability and/or willingness to fulfill their duty to defend and uphold the constitution. After all, the very first thing they did upon taking office a year ago was to demand unconstitutional loyalty pledges of over a thousand state employees, and promptly fired those who refused to take them or whose personal political beliefs did not align with their agenda. 

Now it appears this administration is undermining constitutionally-guaranteed rights of marriage equality, and this should not be surprising. AG Clarkson has made a career and a name for himself using "religious freedom" as a cover to discriminate against LGBTQ+ people and the courts to deprive them of the equal benefits of society.

Apparently, the legislature was fine with this when it confirmed him. Would they have been as sanguine had he been doing this openly to Black people? Or Jews? I'd like to think not, but who knows? Religion, after all, was used to justify slavery, segregation, and the murder of six million of my own ancestors.

But I digress, because my point is this: we as a society need to call this out for what it is: wrong. It is just plain wrong. It is wrong to use your law degree and privilege to make other peoples' lives hell when they didn't do shit to deserve it other than exist. 

Imagine being so preoccupied with other people's sex lives and gender expression that you make your life's work a campaign to deprive them of basic rights like marriage and housing. I'm sorry, but if you are a self-identifying cis-gendered man who spends this much time thinking about what other people do with their genitals, you belong in therapy, not public office.

What the State is alleged to have done here is shameful. That it took a lawsuit, national press coverage, and borderline defamatory statements by the homophobic Attorney General against a lesbian lawyer to expose it is even more shameful. 

Not to mention the fact that some of the best lawyers and administrators in the Department of Law are themselves LGBTQ, so I guess Kevin Clarkson is perfectly fine availing himself of their labor (when he's not busy paying DC law firms $600 an hour unsuccessfully trying to bust unions in the name of the First Amendment).

Lots of people are afraid to speak out against this kind of bullshit, and understandably so. The risks of doing so are high. It puts peoples' lives and livelihoods in jeopardy, something I learned the hard way. 

But LGBTQ lives are at greater risk because people like Kevin Clarkson insist on leveraging their power, privilege and education to make other people miserable and unsafe, when they could just as easily seek private treatment to deal with their own hangups and prejudices. 

I hear state health insurance is pretty good.

The Alien Invasion is Imminent and I for One Could Not Be Happier

When I awoke at 2:00 a.m. this morning to pee for the third time that night (as is my habit) and checked my phone to make sure none of my east coast friends or relatives had been pushed in front of the A train on the way to work (as is also my habit), I stumbled across this WaPo article about multiple pilots reporting flying saucers to the United States Navy. Here's the gist:

As first reported by POLITICO, these intrusions have been happening on a regular basis since 2014. Recently, unidentified aircraft have entered military-designated airspace as often as multiple times per month . . . 

In some cases, pilots — many of whom are engineers and academy graduates — claimed to observe small spherical objects flying in formation. Others say they’ve seen white, Tic Tac-shaped vehicles. Aside from drones, all engines rely on burning fuel to generate power, but these vehicles all had no air intake, no wind and no exhaust. 

“It’s very mysterious, and they still seem to exceed our aircraft in speed,” [an intelligence official] said, calling it a “truly radical technology.”

According to Mellon, awestruck and baffled pilots, concerned that reporting unidentified flying aircraft would adversely affect their careers, tended not to speak up. And when they did, he said, there was little interest in investigating their claims. 

WELL WELL WELL. 

Looks like all the Area 51 alien conspiracy theorists might finally be vindicated in the ultimate I TOLD YOU SO!!! I don't count myself among the believers, although I'll readily confess to having enjoyed the many--MANY--alien movies and shows on offer: X Files, Alien, Contact, Arrival, Colony, Ancient Aliens, Alien Encounters, Secret Alien Encounters, Unsealed: Alien Files, Alien Abductions, Roswell, Destination Truth, In Search of Aliens, UFO Hunters and . . . well . . . I could go on. Obvs.

Honestly though? I greet the imminent alien invasion as a rare glimmer of good news. After all, we are being ruled by a sentient Cheetoh-humanoid hybrid on a planet that is roasting to a crisp like a pig on a spit. So the thought of little green men descending to earth from another galaxy, scooping me up under a beam of blinding light, and conducting a thorough probe of my anus inside the confines of their high-tech aircraft covered in mysterious hieroglyphics sounds distinctly preferable to my current reality.

We aren't doing a very good job here on earth, so I think we should welcome the arrival of intelligent life, as opposed to the stupid life we have now. The awkward part is gonna be when they say TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER in their little green-man robot voices, and we have to introduce them to Trump. 

Like this is going to be so fucking awkward and embarrassing. How would this even go? Presumably someone from the Navy or Air Force would guide the saucer to the White House lawn, and discovering Trump not there, turn due south to Mar-a-Lago where they'd find him golfing. 

We would then have to explain golf to the aliens. And how would THAT go? Maybe kinda like this:

Um . . . so . . . we have this extremely random game we play for no reason? That is contributing to the death of our planet because it uses a disproportionate share of finite and critical resources? Where people with a lot of money like, take a stick and hit these little balls into holes? And our President is hitting little balls into holes with his sticks all the time? Instead of like, fixing any actual problems or doing his job? 

Then their robot voices would be like: SO VERY STRANGE. AND WHAT IS THIS MONEY YOU SPEAK OF, and then we'd have to explain THAT, like . . . 

So there's this green paper? Kind of the color of your skin? And our entire society is based on everyone trying to get more of it all day every day? Like everyone wants it and needs it to solve problems? But it also creates a lot more problems than it solves? 

And the more we tried to explain golf and money, the more ridiculous we'd sound.

And then they'd finally meet Trump and be like WOW, this is gonna be the easiest planet-takeover in the history of the time-space continuum! They'd probably have a little alien-huddle on their saucer and be like WE MUST CAPTURE THE ORANGE ONE WHO GRABS EARTH-BREEDERS BY THE SPAWN-HOLE. HE IS AN UNWIELDY DOTARD. VERY EASY TO LURE BACK TO ANDROMEDA 464 WITH GOOD INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES.

When you really think about it, an alien invasion is maybe the lifeline we've been waiting for all along.

These Goys Forgot Some Key Shit!

These goys. Not guys. Goys. As in Gentiles. I had to laugh to myself when this old 2011 article from WaPo Style popped up in my Twitter feed last week. "A Jewish wedding, for two non-Jews." 

So I clicked the link to see exactly what "Jewish traditions" this couple incorporated into their wedding. I was disappointed (though not surprised) to learn it was just more of the same old same old: ceremony under the huppah (canopy); signing the ketubah (Jewish marriage contract); saying Kiddush (blessing over the wine); stomping on the glass, yadda yadda yadda. 

Traditions, trashmishions.

I wasn't offended by the arguable cultural appropriation aspect--frankly I'm always sort of flattered that anyone would voluntarily align themselves with one of the most universally reviled ethnic minorities on the planet. 

But I did find myself wishing this couple had consulted me first, because I would've told them what they needed to make their Jewish wedding truly authentic. 

1. You need Uncle Sol (or similar) leaning over to his table mate and screaming over both their hearing aids in a thick New Jersey accent "CAN YOU BELIEVE THE PORTIONS THEY SERVE HERE!?"

2. You need the Mother-of-the-Bride wringing her hands because "it's so DRRRRROOOOYYYY IN HEEAH and didn't we ask them to turn up the air?!" Then five minutes later she says, "But UCHHHH THE HUMIDITY!?!?!?!?"

3. Then you need Cousin Seth, who tries to get you to invest in his latest get-rich-quick real estate Ponzi scheme (Way to perpetuate sterotypes . . .  thanks a lot, Cousin Seth!)

4. You need a band (or DJ) playing "We are Family," "Sweet Caroline," and “Hava Nagilah” over and over. That Neil Diamond. What a mensch. 

5. Then of course you have to dance the Horah which no one knows how to do, but every dude in the room who weighs more than 150 pounds takes off their suit jackets and lifts up their pit-stained arms to hoist the bride up onto a chair while she covers her face and shrieks as everyone else trips over their feet trying to dance in two circles going in opposite directions.

6. Speaking of dancing, you have Aunt Millie complaining about her bunions. (CAN YOU BELIEVE SOCIAL SECURITY DIDN'T EVEN COVAH THE SURGERY?!)

7. You need Cousin Jackie (the one who got a bad nose job in the 80s) to cluck her tongue disapprovingly over the “low-cut bridesmaids dresses” while whispering that she heard the groom had been married once before and also “his mothah has *extra whisper and widening eyes* CAAAAANNNNNCAH.”

8. Also one of the aforementioned bridesmaids needs to administer fellatio in the bathroom to a groomsman after seven vodka tonics at the open bar, because cash bar is TACKAY and it’s not a wedding without a rando BJ.

9. Finally, there must be several small children hoarding pigs n’ blankets (made with all-beef Kosher hot dogs obvs) and maraschino cherries.

10. You also need a whisper campaign/NCAA-type bracket going in which all the guests place bets on what the wedding cost and who paid for it.

Then and only then will you have an authentic Jewish wedding.

Sick, Dumb, Mean, and Afraid

It is critical--and I mean truly critical--to understand that the governing power structure in this country right now, from the top down, is actively invested in four things with respect to the general population: making all of us--every last one of us--sicker, dumber, meaner, and more afraid. And it will swiftly punish anyone who tries to expose that fact, push back against it, or give it voice.

How and why? The answers are long enough to fill 17 books, but let's briefly unpack this in 500 words or less.

A citizenry that is uneducated, divided amongst itself, unhealthy, and afraid lacks the ability and the resources to push back against cronyism, corruption, and corporate capture. It is robbed of the tools--including the financial tools--necessary to assert both individual and collective rights. Keeping the populace in this condition allows a small cadre of economic elite and their elected-through-gerrymander foot soldiers to undermine human rights and the environment by exercising outsized influence over both domestic and international decision-making and public institutions. 

A population that is dumb, mean, sick, and afraid is easier to con and manipulate. These goals are reflected in public policies and funding decisions that are devoid of human empathy and intentionally starve the citizenry of the resources it needs to succeed in a system that is rigged in favor of corporate--not natural--personhood.

They want us dumb. They want to starve our children of knowledge, because they know that the more educated we are, particularly in science and civics, the more we understand the ridiculous con that has been perpetrated on us for decades, is reaching its apex now, and will ultimately kill us and the planet.

They want us mean. They use a divide and conquer strategy dating back to the Roman Empire that pits us all against each other for their systemic benefit. While MAGAs and Libtards are busy arguing on Facebook, the ruling class is raping and pillaging the planet and stripping the country for parts. They are doing this, mind you, on the back of underpaid, under-protected, blue-collar labor fueled by a mythical mirage of future financial success that--conveniently--never seems to arrive for hard-working Americans who can't pay their bills no matter how hard they work.

They want us sick. This is reflected in our broken health care system and the absolutely criminal insurance market in which we relinquish giant chunks of our piddling paychecks on the promise that these corporations will return our money when we get sick--but surprise!--when that day comes, they have an institutional policy of denying claims outright, so that only the people with enough moxie (read: time and resources) to fight back get the services they paid for. When we are sick, we are literally physically defeated. We are too busy trying to get insulin for diabetes to care about the reason we can't afford insulin for diabetes, much less do anything about it.

But most of all, they want us afraid. They want to punish anyone who speaks out against this mode of governing because telling the truth is the biggest threat of all. The second someone says the emperor has no clothes, you have the potential for a dangerous rebellion, and the ruling class knows this. That is why government employees cower in fear of exercising their constitutional rights to free speech and are summarily punished when they do. That is why loyal public servants are driven out of government and replaced by lickspittles, cronies, and hacks. 

Sick, dumb, mean, and afraid is no way to live. We may not have much control over being sick or dumb, but we can decide not to be mean or afraid. We have to fight this by refusing to argue with our fellow citizens, calling this venal system what it is, and simply refusing fear.

16 Real National Emergencies (Hint: Not a Wall)

1.  Climate change.
2.  Income inequality.
3.  Military-grade weapons for sale to kids at Wal-Mart.
4.  A quasi-dictator who creates fake emergencies to expand the reach of his power.
5.  Citizens who are complacent with their heads in the sand.
6.  Citizens who ignore other people's suffering.
7.  Citizens who remain silent.
8.  Citizens who shrug and say "it's not my problem."
9.  Citizens who don't vote.
10. Citizens who make up every excuse imaginable for their total inaction.
11. Citizens who willingly execute the illegal, unconstitutional orders of people in power.
12. Citizens without empathy.
13. Citizens who don't question the source of the information they are receiving.

14. Citizens who think they're not next.

15. Citizens who put their heads down and do busywork while waiting for this all to pass.

16. Citizens who refuse to take real risks for the integrity of their governments.

Most of the national emergency is behind a mirror, not a wall.

I Guess I’m Moving to Baltimore Now?

Haha! JK! Sorry haters! I plan on staying right here in Alaska where I belong (COUGH COUGH sendmecontractgigs COUGH COUGH). Plus, I’d really miss being roasted on AK Twitter by low-rent RWNJ’s who think pizzagate is real and tell me I’m a deservedly unemployed whiner who should go kill herself. But that’s what gets me through my day and tells me I’m poppin’! 

Also, I watched my mom get mugged in Baltimore near the gazebo outside my aunt and uncle’s row house in the ‘80s, and it was kinda scary, so I don’t have the best association with the place.

Still, I gotta admit I was tempted by this Craigslist ad for “post-coital gnocchi with crab” wherein a 6’3 married, athletic man will come to my house in Baltimore “when I’m about to have sex” and then “let himself out” after making his “favourite dish” (OOOH A BRIT TO BOOT?!), which is gnocchi with crab meat.

Part of me is like, this has to be fake. Another part, though, feels like it’s WAY too specific of a kink to be a prank. He could have said chicken parm or lasagna, but gnocchi with crab is next level. I think more realistically there is probably a lie of omission at play here—like he could be leaving out the “special sauce” he uses after you spend $300 on your own crab. 

Finding a couple who likes Italian food and sex shouldn’t be a heavy lift. That part seems easy and straightforward. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy buttered noodles and fucking? That’s pretty standard entertainment fare for most people, I think. Also I kind of feel like he’s done this before. The way he puts “MUST” in all caps suggests he’s been burned in the past when he showed up to a gig and there was a misunderstanding about who was responsible for the crab.

Also, I wonder if his partner knows about this? I’m guessing no? I don’t think most spouses would be down with this kind of excursion, especially if he wasn’t also bringing home leftovers.

I remain, as ever, 100% confused.

How Was This Normal?!

Ever since Trump was elected, I’ve had to ask myself almost every day whether “this” (whatever “this” happens to be that day is “normal”). For example:

• Is it normal that the President is *actually* a white collar felon? Like for real? 
• Is it normal that our government is warehousing teargassed children in cages and writing numbers on their arms to keep track of them? 
• Is it normal that government actors across the country are emboldened to willingly violate the First Amendment with impunity like Kremlin goons? 
• Is it normal for the President to be confused by an umbrella?

I guess so. I guess that’s what they call The New Normal™️ But say what you will about the new normal, the "old normal" was just as bad. Take the game "hangman" for example, the children's spelling game. Now it's "draw the cat" or something, but when I was a kid I didn't think twice about using a stick figure drawing of a public hanging to learn how to spell.

Remember this game? Here are the instructions, still available online.

One player chooses a secret word and the others try to guess it. Whenever the players guess a letter that is not in the secret word they get a strike that brings them closer to losing. To show this, the host draws a simple stick figure of a man being hung, adding a new part to the drawing with every wrong answer . . . The classic order is:

• First wrong answer: Draw an upside-down "L." This is the post the man hangs from.
• Second: Draw a small circle for the "head" underneath the horizontal line of the "L."
• Third: Draw a line down from the bottom of the head for the "body."
• Fourth: Draw one arm out from the middle of his body for the "arm."
• Fifth: Draw the other arm.
• Sixth: Draw one diagonal line from the bottom of the body for the first "leg."
• Seventh: Draw the other leg.
• Eighth: Connect the head to the post with a "noose." Once you draw the noose the players have lost the game.

"ONCE YOU DRAW THE NOOSE THE PLAYERS HAVE LOST THE GAME," YOU GUYS. Like this game was TOTALLY FUCKING NORMAL WHEN I WAS A KID. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?! Like a children's game about capital punishment was considered HO HUM?! I'm pretty sure I had a pack of candy gum cigarettes that I chain-smoked whenever I won a game of hangman.

Man, those were the days.

Love Knows No Borders

Let's talk about empathy. Empathy, of course, is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Sadly, empathy has been in very short supply in our national discourse at a time when we're being forced to ask ourselves what it really means to be an American in the first place.

Who are we, really, as a nation? At our core, we're a Republic founded by white slave-holding men on stolen indigenous land. That is a legacy we all live with, and that continues to reverberate today. But in the short 242 years of our nation's history, many of us have worked tirelessly to mold our country into something better and more perfect that that.

One manifestation of a more perfect union is America-made-refuge to people fleeing persecution and violence in other parts of the world. These are basic human rights: to live in safety, peace, and dignity. And to migrate elsewhere if those things cannot be achieved at home.

Every non-indigenous person in this country is an immigrant here. Every one of us has reaped the rewards of American constitutional democracy. The fact that the fabric of that democracy is being stretched thinner than ever is all the more reason to double-down on speaking up for what's right.

Like so many issues of our time, this is not a political issue. It's a human rights issue. The people of the migrant caravan are human beings who deserve a chance to knock at the door of this nation without being caged, tear-gassed, raped, or killed by the State, without having their children snatched from their arms, and without being vilified or dehumanized for political gain.

Our elected officials need to respond to this crisis in a humanitarian way. One that reflects empathy and honors human rights. They must acknowledge that the men, women, and children of the migrant caravan are human beings who are entitled to seek refuge here. They must end the militarization of our border and the detention and deportation of immigrants. They must end state-sanctioned violence against asylum-seekers. We have to start investing in our communities by keeping families together and holding them in hearts full of empathy. 

To do otherwise is to lose our humanity. 

OMG, Sophie Scholl is My New Shero

Full confession. 

I had no idea who Sophie Scholl was until this week, when a friend messaged me this photo from somewhere in cyberspace. I think she sent it to me because I often fume that too few people in positions of power and privilege are willing to take the personal risks necessary to advance social justice and advocate for real change in the world. 

Sophie Scholl’s very last words reflect the same sentiment, so I immediately went down an internet rabbit hole to read about her life, and to say this woman (a girl, really) was a bad bitch is the understatement of the century.

She’s been on my mind ever since.

You can go on Wikipedia yourself for her whole life story, but the gist is she was a Lutheran white girl in Nazi Germany who was having less than none of the Third Reich’s efforts to Hitler Youth-ify her. She spent the formative years of her very short life non-violently and intellectually resisting dictatorship as part of the White Rose Society. She was ultimately arrested for distributing anti-Nazi literature, convicted in a show trial, and executed a mere hours later by guilliotine.

Seriously you guys. Nazis chopped off a 21 year-old girl’s head for passing out written opposition to their genocidal bullshit. And by all accounts, Sophie sauntered off to the gallows with her soon-to-be-decapitated head held high and these words on her lips:

How can we expect righteousness to prevail when there is hardly anyone willing to give himself up individually to a righteous cause? Such a fine, sunny day, and I have to go, but what does my death matter, if through us thousands of people are awakened and stirred to action?

Sophie Scholl was walking the walk of righteous wokeness before it was cool, and she walked it straight to her own execution like it was NOTHING. 

Unlike me, who pretends to be badass AF for getting called a cunt on the internet sometimes and enduring the occasional empty threat to my body and livelihood from wannabe Nazis, Sophie proudly marched to her death in an enormous fuck you to *actual* Nazis!

The thing that amazes me most is that she didn’t have to do any of this. She could have just been a Nazi. She wasn’t Jewish and she wasn’t at risk of being persecuted herself. She was simply a member of the dominant Aryan culture who recognized that what was happening around her was unbelievably fucked up, and she decided it was worth resisting and dying to show the whole world how fucked up it really was. 

Talk about next-level allyship.

The very least I can do is read her Wikipedia page and put her on blast as my new number one shero. Sophie Scholl is #ResistanceGoals.

A Government of Laws, and Not of Men

Are we a government of laws, or of men? That’s the central question famously posed by Special Prosecutor Archibald Cox in 1973, and raised anew by Trump’s firing of Jeff Sessions this week. 

Our modern-day Watergate moment is here. 

Robert Mueller’s sprawling investigation into possible collusion between the President’s 2016 campaign and the Russian government has quietly shadowed American democracy for the past two years. Never in my lifetime has the fabric of our Constitution, our values, our collective conscience, and our humanity been placed under the kind of relentless stress we have seen since Trump assumed office. 

Each day seems to bring a new outrage and affront to our ideals. Children in cages. Doctored propaganda from the White House. Mail bombs to political opponents. Media banned from accessing the government and called the people’s enemy. Dictatorial rallies. White supremacist dog whistles. Brainwashed friends and family. Lie upon lie upon provable lie. And if we are paying even the slightest bit of attention at all, we are overwhelmed, disoriented, despairing and more divided than ever.

But we as a nation have to keep our eye on the ball. We must use our time and our voices to assert that we are Americans who care about and will insist upon application of the rule of law. 

As Trump replaces Sessions—perhaps unconstitutionally—with a loyalist who like the President has called Mueller’s investigation a “witch hunt,” we must again return to that central question of the Watergate era. People in power come and go but we remain Americans regardless. Are we a nation of laws, or of people?

The answer to that question is the true test of our patriotism.

I Feel Daunted by the Enormity of the Worlds Grief

I think that's really what's going on with me today. I simply feel daunted by the enormity of the world's grief, although the Talmud says not to be.

I've been thinking about the Talmud, and the Jewish concept of Tikun Olam. Tikun Olam is "a Jewish concept defined by acts of kindness performed to perfect or repair the world. The phrase is found in the Mishnah, a body of classical rabbinic teachings. It is often used when discussing issues of social policy, insuring a safeguard to those who may be at a disadvantage."

I didn't grow up with religion and I don't believe in God. But I've always identified as Jewish, of course. Both my parents are Jewish and their parents were and their parents and theirs forever and ever. I wasn't surprised to find that my 23&Me came back as 95% Ashkenazi Jewish, with the remaining 5% North African and Middle Eastern. And I know that means I am not fully safe in this world and never will be. I am fully aware that my white skin gives me the advantage of passing as part of white America but that I am not really of their world.

So what is bothering me today, exactly? Both nothing, and everything.

It's not the veiled (or not so veiled) anti-Semitic red and black Nazi-colored campaign literature that found its way into the mailboxes of my neighbors this week, bearing the name of a prominent Jewish candidate for public office and depicting a man shoving wads of cash in his jacket pocket, an ancient stereotype of Jews as usurers and thieves, borne of their being confined to financial professions by persecution and law.

It's not the response of the women responsible for this advertisement, their eye-rolling, bullshitty form email implying that our offense and outrage, and that of our allies, was "liberal intolerance." It wasn't even learning that people (women!) who for years have tried to use my constitutionally-protected opinions and speech to try to ruin my real life are at it yet again. It wasn’t my parents visiting, them getting older and leaving tomorrow after a long and wonderful visit.

It wasn't any of these things that even felt personal to me. It was simply the enormity of the world's grief. 

The families of every child shot in a preventable mass shooting. Or every worshipper in a church or a synagogue or mosque. LGBTQ youth who are beaten or driven from their homes and unable to live their lives openly. Families who are fleeing gang warfare only to arrive in the United States and have their children locked in cages. Indigenous peoples whose stolen lands I am living on. The constant micro-aggressions that people not in white skin live with daily. The hopeless feeling that the deck is stacked against all of us. That not even voting will help, because of how hard voting is made to be, and how intractable the greed-fueled power structure feels.

I was at Isaac's 8th birthday party today, trying to be cheerful as I stood in an elementary school gymnasium with little boys running around my feet. But I started crying talking to one of the moms about all of this. Another had just finished canvassing for a candidate and I teared up about that. Another told me she worked as a special education teacher and I cried and thanked her for doing that. 

Because whatever I do, it never feels like enough. Thanking these people for their work doesn't feel like enough.

It doesn't feel like enough to defend myself and my career against slander. It doesn't feel like enough to spend thousands of dollars of my own money (yes, my own money, not the ACLU's) to travel to DC to advocate for sexual assault victims, or to do data entry for an immigration justice project or to plan a trip to Texas. It doesn't feel like enough to sit on boards here in Juneau and phone bank and write my blog. 

And so I come back to the Talumd:

Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. 

Do justly, now. 

Love mercy, now. 

Walk humbly now. 

You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

It doesn't feel like enough to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly now, knowing I will never complete this work and feeling so much pushback while trying all the same.

Lose Weight Off Your Conscience FAST With This One Weird Trick!

If you’ve tried to lose weight off your conscience in the past, you probably struggled with guilt, low energy, and mediocre results that just didn’t stick. Voting* was designed to help people just like you lose weight off your conscience quickly, keep it off, and feel good while you do it!

Ready to Lose Weight Off Your Conscience?

If you want to learn more or are ready to start feeling better than you ever thought possible, then make the effort to vote THIS TUESDAY!

How Does Voting Work?

Our program--also called "DEMOCRACY"--is simple and easy to follow. You’ll register to vote and then do ten minutes of internet research to learn about the candidates who are running, their positions on various policies, and any ballot initiatives that may appear on the ballot. You'll then go to your assigned polling place, wait in line (this might be a little inconvenient but it's worth it) and fill in a few little bubbles for the people and issues best customized to your body and goals.The food recommended with voting is tasty and satisfying and with the supplements that go along with voting you won’t feel hunger or cravings because voting has nothing to do with that exactly. Just bring a bag of Cheetos with you in case you have to wait awhile and get hungry.

Tired of Results that Don't Last?

Where many other conscience weight loss programs go wrong is that the results simply don’t last. That’s why with voting, you have access to a polling place to help build healthy, sustainable democratic forms of government that will last you and your children a lifetime. Did we mention that there is no exercise required to lose weight off your conscience with voting? Although exercise is important for overall health, the old saying “you can't complain if you don't vote” reflects the millions of Americans who fail to see the condition of our democracy improve, because they haven’t changed their voting habits. With voting, instead of spending hours every week in the gym, a quick trip to the ballot box keeps you on track, motivated, and makes an even bigger impact on your health and well-being.

What Is Unique About Voting?

Voting isn’t just the same old conscience weight loss program you’ve tried before, so if you've struggled with other plans or diets, don’t worry. What makes voting special is the regularly occurring elections our constitution prescribes make conscience weight loss fast and easy. 

Voting helps your body turn apathy into action. This means that your body will be burning with productive outrage and civic conviction like it's supposed to, rather than making you feel sad or enable fascism and indifference when you are watching TV instead. And even better, voting also helps keep your body from burning time complaining on Facebook, something that often happens on other conscience weight loss diets.

Can I Use My Insurance?

Your insurance may be affected by voting, but voting is free and many states even give time off for voting! Regardless of your insurance coverage, and even though some people want to suppress the shit out of your vote, say FUCK YOU to those people by making the effort to support democracy!

How Do I Sign Up for Voting?

To sign up, simply go to this page.

*Amount of conscience weight loss results vary based on program adherence, engagement with civic life, a sense of needing to uphold the social compact, and other possible mental conditions.

On Baseball and Joy

October baseball is the best baseball.

Whether you like baseball or not, it’s impossible not to love the pure, unadulterated joy on the face of a major league slugger when he slams a clutch three-run homer into Fenway’s Green Monster during game one of the World Series.

That’s what Red Sox infielder Eduardo Nunez did in the bottom of the seventh inning on Monday. And as much as I hate the Red Sox, it was beautiful to watch. That kind of joy is primal in its authentic spontaneity. You can watch a child’s lifelong dream distilled down into a single moment on the face of a grown man, and unless you have ice in your veins, it will make your heart explode.

My relationship with baseball is kind of involuntary, by which I mean I’m a Yankees fan by birth and osmosis more than by free will. I’m a third-generation Bronx-born, only-daughter of a hardcore Yankees baseball fan. My dad has written books and articles about the sport, pores over baseball statistics, and brought me to several games a year at “The Old Yankee Stadium,” where the seats were sticky with gum and the only available concessions were peanuts, hot dogs, beer, and maybe cotton candy.

In our apartment, baseball was always on in the background: Don Mattingly and Willie Randolph in their prime, drifting off to sleep next to my dad, watching every game on an ancient Zenith TV with an analog dial and the volume turned off. (My dad liked the radio announcers better; he had no patience for the TV guys).

I didn’t go out of my way to watch the Great American Pastime™ or learn about it. In fact, I was pretty indifferent to baseball and found it a little boring, even. It was just something that was around me all the time, and continues to be. (Both my husband and son are baseball-obsessed). 

Given that, I really should know a lot more about the game than I do. I’m not a stats nerd and I don’t know the finer points of calculating an ERA. I can’t keep up with trades and free agency, or who’s on or off the DL at any given moment, and it frequently takes me a minute or two to figure out what just happened on a double play.

After 9/11, Yankees baseball unified a grieving city of 8 million souls. Baseball tracks emotions and seasons in a way that feels bigger than the sport itself. Yet for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction, which in the case of the Nunez homer, was L.A. Dodgers pitcher Alex Wood’s grief at having choked; he let a pinch-hitter go yard off his knuckle curve ball during one of the most important games of his career.

Still. 

I keep coming back to that unmitigated joy. Now more than ever, we need it in our lives.

Why Anonymous Content is Bullshit

Two years ago, someone tried to get me fired for my blog. It was one of the scariest and darkest moments of my career.

Although she didn't ultimately succeed, at the time I really thought she might. She wrote and persistently called the newspaper, her legislators, and my employer. I got a lawyer. It lasted months. 

Throughout the entire difficult and humiliating ordeal, there was one thing I could be proud of: I stood behind every word I’d ever written, with my name attached to it. I own my writing, whether I'm dashing off a blog post or signing a pleading in court.

This complainant's screeds to Anyone Who Would Listen™ included a smug “revelation” of my identity, as if I'd ever tried to hide who I was for even one second, and she was a gumshoe detective who was unmasking me, Scooby Doo-style, to the world.

My professional life and my life as a blogger are two separate and distinct parts of my existence, with the former, fortunately, protected by the First Amendment. It wouldn't take anyone with a WiFi connection more than two clicks to "figure out" who I am. My blog was never a secret to anyone. My identity has never been a secret.

And that's because anonymous writing (in my opinion) is a coward's endeavor. And if it's one thing I'm not, it's a coward. As a general rule, I do not believe in anonymous writing. Not on the internet, not in comment threads, and not in newspapers. If you have something that's important enough to say, and demand another person’s time and attention to read, you should have the courage to own it.

I thought about this again when reading today's anonymous op-ed in the New York Times from a "senior Trump administration official" assuring the country that there are "adults" embedded in the administration, working to save America from Trump's worst impulses. 

The Times defended the "rare” and (not coincidentally) click-baiting “step" of publishing anonymous content:

[A]t the request of the author, a senior official in the Trump administration whose identity is known to us and whose job would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers.

Uh huh.

Predictably, ten zillion hot takes followed. Anonymity was good, because otherwise we’d be focusing on the author and not the content, and this person would be fired and no longer able to nobly “protect us" from Trump. Also: EVER HEAR OF THE FEDERALIST PAPERS?! GOTCHA!

Put aside the fact that it's un-democratic and alarming that the nation's top elected official is apparently being controlled by unelected appointees. That's called a coup. And simply "waiting out" Trump's presidency while the "grownups in the room" save us all is a failing that everyone now serving in Congress must live with--forever--as an abdication of their office and its own act of profound cowardice.

The more cynical (and to my mind, accurate) view of the Times op-ed is that its author is protecting themselves. Their career, their reputation, their party, and their future. They want their cake and they want to eat it too. They want plausible deniability when this national nightmare ends and the inevitable reckoning comes. They want to pull a self-satisfied “I told you so" someday, without having to accept or acknowledge their complicity in what’s happened and continues to happen on their watch. 

It’s an insurance policy, taken out on the public and administered by a major newspaper. Nothing more. That's called cowardice and lack of character. 

And I'm sorry, but it's bullshit.

De-Platforming Hate Speech is Not a Slippery Slope

In an article published in the Atlantic last year entitled "What Europe Can Teach America About Free Speech,” University of Virginia law professor Mila Versteeg, a descendent of both Nazis and Nazi resisters, makes an interesting case about free speech. 

She posits that Europe's post-World War II human rights framework is, in some ways, a more reliable inoculation against fascism and ethno-nationalism than the American model, because its prohibitions on hate speech don't rely on the "free marketplace of ideas" to root out those scourges. 

The rise of Nazism in Europe gave the lie to the idea that an unregulated marketplace of ideas--which is largely what America has today, with certain benefits--was a sufficient insurance policy against ethnic cleansing and genocide.

"In an unregulated marketplace of ideas," Versteeg writes, "private citizens need to take up the burden of holding the line against racist extremism."

That's where de-platforming comes in.

The thing about the First Amendment, which not everyone fully understands or appreciates, is that only government actors need to comply with it, because the Founding Fathers knew that it is our own government that has the ultimate power to oppress us. So for better or worse, here in America, it's up to private citizens to step in where the government won't or can’t; to decide that certain ideas are so toxic, so dangerous, and so detrimental to society that they simply should not be given a massive platform.

It's not a "slippery slope" problem. There is zero evidence that snuffing out white supremacy through de-platforming is going to herald the end of Free Speech as We Know It.™ There is, however, evidence that de-platforming is an effective tool against hate speech and ethno-nationalism.

And we’re fortunate enough in this country not to have learned this lesson the hard way. 

Yet.

When powerful private media actors like the New Yorker, Twitter, and Facebook hand Alex Jones, Steve Bannon, and Milo Yiannopoulos a megaphone, they endorse the "both sides" canard that every crackpot bigot deserves an enormous private platform to espouse hate, and that people's lives and safety are a reasonable price to pay for engagement and clicks.

It's up to us as private citizens to push back and say they're not.

Why Voting Matters

I want to say a few words here about why voting—simply the act of voting—matters so much.

There are certain choices we make as a society because they benefit the collective good. For example: in the developed world, trash recycling and vaccination programs are common because we’ve made calculated decisions that recycling and vaccines, on balance, benefit society. We’ve decided that if we don’t recycle, our planet will perish even faster than it already is, and that if we don’t vaccinate our children, preventable infectious disease will decimate the population.

Democracy is similar to recycling and vaccines, in that it requires societal buy-in to work. One soda can in the landfill and one skipped vaccine don’t matter, of course. But if every person decides their one soda can or their one vaccine is irrelevant, then these efforts fail completely.

The same is true of democracy. 

The foundation of democracy is voting. Individual acts of voting, without which democracy simply disappears. It’s easy to become cynical and overwhelmed by the state of our democracy, which in part is why turnout in state, federal, and local elections is abysmally low. Yet every time we stay home on Election Day, we sanction by our silence undemocratic forms of governance. And unless we want undemocratic forms of governance, we can't afford not to vote.

According to new data from the Pew Research Center as reported in the Washington Post last week, on the pie chart of “Who Do We Blame for Trump,” it is nonvoters—not Russians, Bernie Bros, Jill Stein, white women, Facebook, or anyone else—who handed Trump the presidency. Specifically, the 30% of Americans who were eligible to vote but didn’t is a higher percentage than those who voted for either Presidential candidate. Almost half of these nonvoters were nonwhite and two-thirds were under age 50.

It’s easy to be cynical, to think that your vote doesn’t matter, that our government is a joke and a corporatocracy. This cynicism is well-earned by our inept, gutless, and compromised leadership from the top down. But it’s a vicious cycle and an ironic feedback loop: the more cynical we become, the less motivated we are to vote, and each time we fail to vote, we enable and endorse the very system we’ve grown to distrust.

And it’s not just national and statewide elections. It’s local elections, too. 

In fact, turnout in local elections tends to be even lower—not just because these elections are often held on different dates from more high profile elections--but because local elections don’t always garner much publicity. Yet their outcomes arguably impact our daily lives the most, and are often the most closely contested. Especially in Alaska, where our population is small and elections are often decided by a handful of votes, it’s not just a bumper sticker platitude to say that every vote counts.

So please.

Vote in every election, every time. Do your homework about the candidates and issues on the ballot. It doesn't take long. If available, review sample ballots ahead of time so you know what you’ll be looking at when you get into the voting booth. Look up the dates, times, and locations for voting, and make sure you are registered well in advance. 

Voting is the single most effective, direct, and patriotic action you can take in support of American constitutional democracy. Vote like your life and the lives of your friends and neighbors depend on it, because they do.

The 2018 Juneau Municipal Election is October 2. The Statewide Primary Election is August 21. The Statewide General Election is November 6.

Why Are We Here?

Below is a preview of my brief planned remarks at the Families Belong Together rally, which I was asked to emcee. Details for the rally are in the poster.

Good morning. 

Before we get to our wonderful speakers, who have been so generous with their time today, I want to say just a few words about why we are here; or at least, why I’m here. I’m here by accident of birth and luck. I’m here only as a guest on Native land, on colonized land, which does not belong to me simply because the United States government has granted me citizenship. 

Gunalchéesh.

I am here to bring what limited perspective I can to this issue, and to gather with like-minded people who share my concerns.

I am here as a mother. I have carried two children inside of my body. And I know—as only a mother can—what that means. I am here in solidarity, empathy, and pain for mothers and fathers who have been forcibly separated from their children; whose children have been lost indefinitely to bureaucracy at the hands of armed state actors. Armed state actors who have taken infants out of their mothers’ arms. In America. They have done this on our behalf. In our name. In the name of our country. 

And it is appalling.

I am here as a lawyer, albeit one who knows little about immigration law. But I am privileged beyond measure to have been gifted an education that feels more relevant than ever in this moment. To understand what's at stake as the United States Constitution—the founding document of our democracy—is stretched to the breaking point by those who would defy its promise and undermine its dignity. I understand that laws are temporary, fungible, and only as righteous and good as the higher moral authority that they reflect in executing our social compact; and to which all laws should be held accountable.

I am here as a Jew and an immigrant. The Jewish people have been driven from their homes since time immemorial. Only three generations of Americans separate me from those who were rounded up, caged, detained, and ultimately killed; also, by the way, at the hands and guns of state actors following orders, following the law, and wearing uniforms emblazoned with the authority of the state.

I am here in white skin and acknowledge the protection and privilege it affords me. The families we are rallying for today, by and large, do not have the protection of white skin. And please, let's not pretend that white skin makes no difference here. White skin in 2018 America is protective armor. And those of us who walk around inside that armor have a very simple, binary decision to make: will we continue to passively enable white supremacy, or will we actively work to dismantle it? 

I’m here for the latter.

I'm here as a concerned citizen who recognizes that we can and must care about more than one thing at a time. All politics is local, they say. But the world is smaller than ever, and this is about more than politics. Or if it’s not, then politics isn’t just civil discourse and polite disagreements after all. Politics—if you want to call it that—has life and death consequences for humanity.

And above all, it is humanity that brings me here. I am here as a human being, and because these family separations are an unconscionable abuse of our most basic human rights. They are an abuse that must be acknowledged, denounced, and remedied like our lives depend on it, because they most certainly do.

Do Not Despair! Your Country Needs You

Do not despair! There is no time or use for despair. Your country needs you, and your energy.

It needs you to help reunite children unconscionably torn from their parents. 

It needs you to shine a light on dark money in politics.

It needs you to pressure your representatives in Congress by contacting them repeatedly in every medium possible.
It needs you to protect kids from being shot at school.
It needs you to protect journalists from being shot at work.
It needs you to defy kleptocracy and autocracy.
It needs you to vote.
It needs you to run for office.
It needs you to defend free speech by using your voice and exercising your rights.
It needs you to combat propaganda by affirmatively debunking it and not disseminating it further.
It needs you to peaceably assemble by joining a protest or a rally.
It needs you to defend the equal protection of women, people of color, and LGBTQ people by listening to them as authorities of their own experiences and amplifying their voices.
It needs you to speak out against human rights abuses.
It needs you to insist on due process for everyone on its soil.
It needs you to care about more than one thing at a time.
It needs you to fight for more than one thing at a time.
It needs you to appreciate the gravity of this moment.
It needs you to help redeem its reputation on the world stage as a steward of the planet and a beacon of freedom.
It needs you to stand up for marginalized people in your daily lives.

America’s constitutional democracy—the real American dream—is in the fight of its life, and it needs every last social justice warrior it can get. So the next time someone calls you a social justice warrior like that’s a bad thing, you tell them they’d BEST believe that shit. 

Beyoncé already wrote the seven words you need to hear right now:

Okay
Ladies
Now
Let’s
Get
In
Formation

Calling NYC 311 About a Downed Tree at 3:22 a.m. with My Dad in the Car Went as Expected

Me: *dials 311 on speaker from passenger seat*

Cheery Female Robot: Hello! Thank you for calling 311! We’re here to help! If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Otherwise, press 1 to continue in English. Press 2 for other languages.

Me: *presses 1*

Robot: Okay. Let’s get started. What can I help you with? Say what you need, like, “jackhammer noise” or “left violin in cab” or “tax preparation.”

Me: Tree in road.

Dad: *from driver’s seat* Tell her where it is.

Robot: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.

Me: *speaking slowly and loudly, as if to a half-deaf moron* THERE’S A DOWNED TREE ON THE RAMP TO THE OUTBOUND GWB AND IT’S BLOCKING THE ROUTE TO THE BRIDGE AND YOU CAN BARELY GET AROUND IT AND IT’S GONNA CAUSE A HUGE TRAFFIC JAM IN ABOUT TWO HOURS.

Dad: Tell her Riverside Drive.

Me: Oh my God. ON RIVERSIDE DRIVE.

Robot: We seem to be having trouble. Let’s try this again.

Me: Let’s not. *smashes 0 on keypad 100x*

Robot: Okay, please wait while I transfer you to a representative. This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. *hold music plays*

Me: No good deed goes unpunished.

Dad: *cackles uproariously*

Surly Human Female With Thick NY Accent (SHFWTNYA): 311 can I help joo?

Me: Yeah, I’m just trying to report a tree in the road.

SHFWTNYA: Okay ma’mm dass gon’ be department a parks and recreation so lemme trans—

Me: No seriously I’m just trying to stop a big traffic jam because there’s a tree in the road.

SHFWTNYA: Okay where’s the tree at ma’mm?

Me: Riverside Drive outbound ramp to the GWB.

SHFWTNYA: Okay ma’mm is it like a limba da tree or wha happen?

Me: No it’s like the whole tree. I think it blew over in the storm last night. It’s lying across the road.

SHFWTNYA: Okay it’s lying IN the road? 

Me: Yes.

SHFWTNYA: Oh dass gon cause a yooge backup in a coupleah howahs.

Me: DASSWHATIMSAYIN!

SHFWTNYA: You know wha? Imma bring in 911 on dis, cuz dis sound like a hazard.

Me: DASSWHATIMSAYIN! *hold music*

Dad: *now collapsing over steering wheel in hysterics as he passes Kearney exit on the NJ Turnpike*

911 SHFWTNYA: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: Well it’s not really an emerg—

911 SHFWTNYA: I can’t hear you m’aam. Wasssa address?

Dad: Tell her 1051 Riverside Drive.

Me: 1051 Riverside Drive.

911: SHFWTNYA: Wha happen?

Me: Okay, so there’s a tree in the road ...