Thursday, January 31, 2019

I Guess I’m Moving to Baltimore Now?

Haha! JK! Sorry haters! I plan on staying right here in Alaska where I belong (COUGH COUGH sendmecontractgigs COUGH COUGH). Plus, I’d really miss being roasted on AK Twitter by low-rent RWNJ’s who think pizzagate is real and tell me I’m a deservedly unemployed whiner who should go kill herself. But that’s what gets me through my day and tells me I’m poppin’! 

Also, I watched my mom get mugged in Baltimore near the gazebo outside my aunt and uncle’s row house in the ‘80s, and it was kinda scary, so I don’t have the best association with the place.

Still, I gotta admit I was tempted by this Craigslist ad for “post-coital gnocchi with crab” wherein a 6’3 married, athletic man will come to my house in Baltimore “when I’m about to have sex” and then “let himself out” after making his “favourite dish” (OOOH A BRIT TO BOOT?!), which is gnocchi with crab meat.

Part of me is like, this has to be fake. Another part, though, feels like it’s WAY too specific of a kink to be a prank. He could have said chicken parm or lasagna, but gnocchi with crab is next level. I think more realistically there is probably a lie of omission at play here—like he could be leaving out the “special sauce” he uses after you spend $300 on your own crab. 

Finding a couple who likes Italian food and sex shouldn’t be a heavy lift. That part seems easy and straightforward. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy buttered noodles and fucking? That’s pretty standard entertainment fare for most people, I think. Also I kind of feel like he’s done this before. The way he puts “MUST” in all caps suggests he’s been burned in the past when he showed up to a gig and there was a misunderstanding about who was responsible for the crab.

Also, I wonder if his partner knows about this? I’m guessing no? I don’t think most spouses would be down with this kind of excursion, especially if he wasn’t also bringing home leftovers.

I remain, as ever, 100% confused.




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