Thursday, January 17, 2019

Man, Those Were the Days, Amirite?

So I was back at my parents' place, and I found this pic of myself and LOOK HOW YOUNG I LOOK HERE YOU GUYS. Man, those were the days, amirite? Life was so much more innocent and easy then. First off, my back didn't ache at ALL because my spine had not yet undergone terminal differentiation into vertebrae and a spinal column. 

Also, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT SKIN SO MUCH COLLAGEN OMG. That structural protein in extracellular space was LIT AF in 1977. Actually it's kind of hard to see here at 10000000000x magnification, but my skin (which also had not yet been through the process of gene expression) was SO FUCKING DEWY. Like legit Gwyneth Paltrow would be jealous of this glow. 

Also, and not to brag, but dudes were totally into me. Not that I can blame them. Look at all these dudes. They were like, ALL OVER ME. Every one of these bros was trying to get in on the action. I know, I know. Sharing this pic is a total thirst trap. I threw it up on my Insta and got maximum views. Not everyone has 280 million sperm Stanning them. Some people only have 270 million. 

WHO WOULDN'T SMASH THIS EMBRYO?!


Also I was sooooooo skinny! I think I weighed somewhere between 0.00177 mg and 0.0042 mg. and I didn't even go to PILATES. I guess technically I couldn't go to pilates (or yoga) because once again terminal differentiation of my muscle cells had not yet occurred to form the striated muscle tissue necessary to enter Warrior Pose during my second asana.

NAMASTE UTERINE LINING.

Also: ZERO GRAYS. You prolly can't tell from the pic because it's black and white (OLD SCHOOL) but I had not even ONE gray hair. Also I had zero hairs, because #ZygoteLife. Sometimes I look back at this time in my life and wonder what I was thinking. Probably nothing because my brain was just a few cells big and I had limited neurosynaptic capability available to even form a cohesive thought.

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE! Anyway guys, it's pics like this that really make me think how life comes at you fast. 40 weeks turns into 40 years in the blink of an eye. They say youth is wasted on the young and man, TRUER WORDS. If I knew as a handful of mitochondria what I know now as a complete disaster of a fully formed human, my #SelfCareJourney would have been a whole helluva lot easier!


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