Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Broken Hearts and New Year’s Resolutions in Poetry

Looks like Robert Frost is back from the dead, heartsick, mid-divorce, and on the Juneau Craigslist personals, y’all!

Writing a poem to your soon to be ex-wife and posting it anonymously on Craigslist reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa gives Ralph Wiggum a Valentine’s Day Card that says “I Choo-Choo-Choose You” with a picture of a train on it, and Ralph thinks it means they’re betrothed. 

Maybe the mystery poet here is actually a grownup Ralph Wiggum? 

Anyway, I was inspired to compose my own series of poems about my already-broken New Year’s Resolutions, one day into 2018.


I said I’d drink more water
But I haven’t drunk a drop
I said I’d quit all sugar
Yet I just had a rum-spiked lollypop
To lose ten pounds was once the dream
Now my scale says that dream is shattered
The illusion of wearing a cocktail dress without Spanx fades
I am 40 and getting fatter
All I wanted was to be a size 4 while never exercising
And inhaling brownie batter


I promised to get off the internet
But not tweeting every genius thought was too hard
My newsfeed is full of KY Jelly ads and Trump memes
And every dude I ever boned family’s Christmas card
To cultivate wholesome and exclusively real-life experiences was once the dream
Now I’m streaming YouTubes of geese playing with Saint Bernards
The illusion of asshole-free photos and status updates fades
As I inch one step closer to the graveyard
All I wanted was for Facebook to go bankrupt
So I could resume watching VHS tapes of Die Hard.


I resolved to be positive, grateful, and calm
But that only worked for a brief time-frame
Last night two little jerks who came from my vadge wouldn’t stop fighting
Over Sorry, the WORST board game.
To have a nice "family game night" was once the dream
Now kids are throwing their pieces and cards
This game is so fucking boring anyhow
I keep moving my guy back and forth over the same five squares right now
All I wanted was to kill an hour before bedtime without resorting to screens
And keep my gratitude and mindfulness vow. 

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