Sunday, January 7, 2018

You Should Try This Juice Cleanse Dextox Diet Which is So Totally Not Just Having an Eating Disorder for a Week

Have you tried this juice cleanse detox diet? OMG. It's so totally amazing. 

You will feel like, YEARS younger. Specifically, 23 years younger in the sense that you'll be 17 again and suffering from anorexia nervosa without technically having that disorder anymore, but the FEELING will be the same and you will DEFINITELY lose those last pesky 10 pounds before regaining them the very next week.

Seriously I cannot say enough about this paleo beet and kolrabi juice diet which is definitely not an 80's fad diet re-marketed for 2018. It will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

It will so not remind you of when you used to write down every single calorie in a spiral-bound notepad and run like a little bunny on a hamster wheel for an hour and then chew on some carrots while watching cooking shows on cable and drooling.

This is totally not that. It's WAY better than that. 

Eating only raw lemongrass stalks sprinkled with cayenne pepper and a teaspoon of unpastuerized honey for seven days will purge your colon of harmful free radicals while totally not making you obsess about warm Nestle Toll House cookies as you writhe in hunger all day and can't concentrate on your kids or your job or literally anything else that matters more than being thin.

It's SO good for the mind AND the body. 

At first you MIGHT be a LITTLE bit hungry and chew a few Parmesan garlic croutons and spit them into the sink. Okay, fine, you WILL be starving and cry a lot. But it will be worth it because your skin will GLOW like Chernobyl and you'll have a TON of energy for weeping that you never even knew you had!

You totally won't be thinking about pepperoni pizza and that time in college when you ate 8 slices of it at once and then stuck your finger down your throat and puked because you felt guilty and then did the same thing the next day and the next day and the day after that until you had to go to outpatient bulimia therapy and it took you ten years to have a normal relationship with a fruit cup.

This cleanse is SO different from that. Gwyneth Paltrow did it and so did Oprah and they have like, the best and healthiest lifestyles.

It's a new year, and you're probably feeling super slow and sluggish and bad about yourself after the holidays. Don't blame yourself. It's all the sugar and a lack of amino acids and omega 3s. It's also that you're fat and hideous, of course. 

But the good news is we can fix that!

The only solution is to spend thousands of dollars on weird produce you've never heard of and can't pronounce, flax seeds (which are POWERFUL), and a high-end blender. You will INSTANTLY feel like a new, younger, more beautiful woman but totally NOT an adolescent with an eating disorder.

I'm telling you. You HAVE to try this.

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