Friday, January 26, 2018

Old White Dudes Run the World but Colonel Sanders is a Woman Now, So at Least Feminism is Crispy, Juicy, and Delicious!

We are standing on the precipice of a historic moment. KFC—f.k.a. Kentucky Fried Chicken—finally has its first woman Colonel Sanders.

From People Magazine:
Step aside, guys, there’s a new woman Colonel in town. For the first time in history, KFC has named a female celebrity to play their iconic founder Colonel Harland Sanders, with Reba McEntire suiting up for the starring role. 
The country music singer has teamed up with the fried chicken chain to launch their new Smoky Mountain BBQ flavor in commercials that will start airing on Jan. 28. In the ad, McEntire looks nearly unrecognizable, wearing a grey wig and mustache, and Sanders’ classic glasses. 
The 62-year-old is also wearing a sequined white suit while singing at a good old-fashioned honky tonk.  
“Absolutely nothing’s changed,” she sings. “Oh, please ignore any likeness to famous country singers. I’m definitely not a woman. Oh wait there’s one thing that’s new about me, it’s my Smoky Mountain BBQ.”
Wow. Wowowowowowowowowowowowowoowowowowowow.

Virginia Woolf, Susan B. Anthony, Sojourner Truth, Alice Walker, Gloria Steinem, Audre Lorde, Amandla Stenberg, bell hooks, and Simone De Beauvoir can Sit. The. Fuck. Down, because their work here is DONE.

According to the World Economic Forum, gender equality is “in retreat,” and “years of global gains made by women in the workplace, education, politics, and health” are beginning to erode.

But guess what’s NOT beginning to erode! 

KFC’s extra crispy chicken, freshly breaded by hand to make sure every tender, juicy bite starts with a crispy, flaky crunch, available in 8pc, 12 pc, or 16 pc bucket meals.

The #MeToo movement and the Women’s Marches seem to have set off a firestorm of new feminist energy, but honestly why lift a finger to fight getting paid 80 cents on every male dollar when you can gorge yourself into a food coma on the Finger Lickin’ Good™ original recipe chicken, carefully rolled 7 times in KFC’s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices before being rocked 7 times then pressure cooked at a low temperature to preserve all the great taste its known for around the world?

Answer: you shouldn't!

I know lots of people hated Hillary Clinton, but still, many girls were really, really hoping to get their first woman president in 2016. That failed, obviously, and there’s no point dwelling on it. 

Not when we have our first pretend woman Colonel Sanders!

Some women dream of being the first woman Hamburgler or the first woman Jared from Subway (pre pedophilia scandal, obvs) or the first woman Taco Bell Chihuahua. Not Reba McEntire though. Reba broke the glass ceiling and now little girls everywhere know that they too can grow up to promote $5 fill-ups, the Big Box Meal, Popcorn Nuggets, and the $10 Chicken Share with a side of green beans, potato wedges, or mac and cheese.

Sure, 17,700,000 women have been the victims of rape since 199 and 99% of perpetrators will walk free, but that statistic shouldn’t bother you because you can  STILL choose from six sauces hand selected from the best recipes on earth, including but not limited to Finger Lickin’ Good™ Sauce, Summertime BBQ, Honey Mustard, Creamy Buffalo, Sweet N’ Tangy, and Buttermilk Ranch (at participating locations).

At least when you’re home on unpaid maternity leave or pumping breast milk at work in a public bathroom with a six week old-infant on your knee, you can take a lunch break for some Chicken Littles™--freshly baked chicken tenders served with pickles and mayo on an all-new sesame seed bun.

Again, I ask: who needs equal rights, pay, or equal sexual agency when you can enjoy a classic like the KFC Famous Bowl ™ chock full of creamy mashed potatoes, sweet corn, and bite-sized chunks of crispy chicken layered together then drizzled with home-style gravy and topped with a perfect blend of three shredded cheeses?

No one, that's who.

Yum! Feminism and progress never tasted so good.

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