Monday, January 29, 2018

Inspiring! This Basic Dude Made it to Retirement Without Committing a DV Assault or Using His Peen for Personal or Professional Leverage

In 2018, it seems like a feel-good story is harder to come by than a politician or movie producer with a limp dick. 

But O.H.M. FINALLY has some good news to bring you! 

We found this inspiring story of Dave Anderson, a basic dude and unicorn who—notwithstanding movie-star good looks and a full head of hair—managed to retire from the workforce without even ONCE committing a domestic violence assault or using his peen for professional leverage or in unwanted ways with a friend or co-worker!

Dave sat down with us for an EXCLUSIVE interview to explain how he achieved the seemingly impossible task of controlling his dick, balls, and fists by confining their use to appropriate situations.

O.H.M.: With the whole #MeToo movement, I think what we’re seeing is that it’s really a lot harder than anyone thought for men to just go to work and act professionally and fairly towards their female colleagues. How did you manage to do that?

Dave: Well, I tried to always follow the Golden Rule of “treat others as you would want to be treated.” I decided that I didn’t like being bullied, interrupted, leered at, shouted down, or sent pictures of penises to my cell phone. So basically I just never did those things to anyone else.

O.H.M.: Fascinating! I see from a review of court records that you’ve never been arrested for a domestic violence assault—not once! How is this possible?

Dave: Well, the biggest reason is that I’ve never committed a domestic violence assault or any assault really. I got into a bar fight in college, but that’s another story. I guess I just think it’s mean, crazy, and also a crime to punch or strangle another human being, especially someone you’re dating and outweigh by 75 pounds.

O.H.M.: A lot of men feel like they’re not going to be able to flirt or talk to women anymore, or know how to communicate in the bedroom. What’s your advice for them?

Dave: I guess it would be to back off and give up at the first indication of disinterest, instead of maybe offering her 100 different ways for you to get off like, “how about doggie style, how about a handjob, how about reverse cowgirl, how about a blowjob, can we do a 69, can I just dry hump your leg” and so forth. And then also maybe not smack her super hard upside the head when she fails to acquiesce to helping you shoot your load.

O.H.M.: Amazing. You should run for President--or at least public office--someday!

Dave: That’s sweet of you to say, but I’m afraid I’m overqualified for that position.

Image result for handsome older gentleman

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