Friday, January 5, 2018

The Ten Plagues of 2018

1. Social Media

This is what the LORD says: "By this you will know that I am the Lord: Through these two tech bros named @jack and Mark Zuckerberg, I will create a medium whereby strangers with insomnia cannibalize each other as hostile foreign agents meddle with democracy while launching psychological cyber-warfare on humanity. This they shall do, while the craziest two motherfuckers alive threaten to kill us all. And the two bros shall just sit there in their ringer-tees, drinking kombucha, because they love those sweet sweet engagement clicks and their mansions in Silicon Valley."

2. Nuclear Buttons

This is what the great LORD says: "I will plague your whole country with nuclear buttons. The World will teem with them. Everyone will have one, because the Second Amendment. And everyone will compare how big they are, and whoever has the biggest button gets to use it to blow up the planet. I'm still deciding if it's Donald Trump or Kim Jong-Un who has the biggest button, but it's definitely one of them. That I can tell you. And yet ironically, none of the button-owners, especially the millennial Neo-Nazis for some reason, can find the clitoris."

3. Hypocrisy

"And the LORD said [...] Stretch out thy credulity, and log into a comment board, that you may encounter boundless hypocrisy." […] When Aaron logged onto a comment board and started scrolling, hypocrisy came upon men and animals. Almost every other word was some form of hypocrisy. Even the people triumphantly pointing out all the hypocrisy were, in their own right, total fucking hypocrites."

4. Frozen Iguanas

This is what the LORD says: "Let my people go. Otherwise I will freeze some iguanas during an unseasonably cold spell in Florida and knock them out of the palm trees and into old people's pools. I know it seems weird but it's a pretty cool trick, you have to admit. Nothing like a hail storm of frozen iguanas to draw attention to the climate crisis. Amirite? Amirite?"

5. Lena Dunham

This is what the LORD, the God of the Hebrews, says: "Let my people go, or else I will give a ginormous platform to an insufferably clueless white feminist and not very funny actress who will make people cringe with every word that comes out of her mouth or pen. And each woman who is trying to do feminism right shall question if she should just give up and stick her head in an oven."

6. But Her Emails

Then the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Take folders full of emails from a server and have Moses toss them into the air in the presence of Julian Assange. The words 'BUT HER EMAILS' will then precede wave after wave of dizzying propaganda while our constitutional democracy is systematically dismantled by venal, self-serving mercenaries shouting about emails that don't matter."

7. Trolls

This is what the LORD, the God of the Hebrews, says: "Let my people go, or this time I will send the full force of Mountain Dew-guzzling basement trolls against you and your people, so you may know that there is no such thing as reason or reality anymore." 

8. Memes

This is what the LORD, the God of the Jews, says: "Roy Moore's lawyer was one of you. He was a Jew! But anyway, as I was saying, I will bring memes to your newsfeed tomorrow. They will be cats making human faces, and Taylor Swift videos cut with a baby goat screaming, and GIFs of people blinking and rolling their eyes dramatically. They will devour what little you have left of your time, including every second you'd be better off doing literally anything else, even and especially masturbating."

9. Bomb cyclones

Then the LORD said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand toward the sky so that something called a 'BOMB CYCLONE' will spread over the North East—the airport and school closures must be felt." So Moses stretched out his hand toward the sky, and frigid cold and blowing snow covered all of Interstate 95 for three days. No one could see anyone else or leave their place for three days.

10. Slaying of the first bitch

This is what the LORD says: "Every bitch will slay, from the fiercest, leaning-in badass to the most powerful change-making STEM researcher to that inspiring diplomat who breastfed her baby during a U.N. meeting that one time, whoever she was. They will slay very hard at all they do. Yet 
there will be loud wailing throughout the land when they realize it doesn't matter, because a guy who literally said he grabbed women by the pussy and has been accused of sexually assaulting 19 of them is the President of the United States."

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