Wednesday, January 3, 2018

The Alaska I.Q. Test

1. Which of these things does NOT belong with the others?

(a) Nissan Leaf
(b) Homemade kombucha
(c) “Friends Don’t Let Friends Eat Farmed Fish” bumper sticker 
(d) Track Palin
(e) Mountaintop Yoga on Instagram

Answer: (d)

2. Ulu is to Knife as Gussuk is to:

(a) Skookum
(b) Cheechako
(c) Cracker
(d) Quyana
(e) Oosik

Answer: (c)

3. Two Alaska Airlines flights, one bound for Anchorage and the other bound for Seattle, take off at the same time from Juneau, at the same speed, under a low ceiling. Where does the first plane end up?

(a) Overheading to Sitka
(b) Still Juneau
(c) Seattle
(d) In Fairbanks with a mechanical
(e) None of the above

Answer: (d) or (b)

4. If it costs $100 in shipping to get a $500 couch barged up from California, how much do you save by buying the same couch in town?

(a) Nothing, the same couch is available for free on Facebook but with a little bit of baby puke on it, perhaps.
(b) $12 gazillion
(c) Nothing, the same couch is available for free on Craigslist, but with a little bit of transient jizz on it, perhaps.
(d) Both (a) and (c)
(e) $50, but you can get a better couch from State Surplus, trust me.

Answer: (d)

5. Alaska excels in which of the following categories?

(a) STDs
(b) Sexual assaults
(c) Funding for early childhood education
(d) Both (a) and (b)
(e) Quality representation in the Legislature

Answer: (d)

6. Complete the following jingle: “Save more _______ at the Mattress Ranch”

(a) Sheep
(b) Bliss
(c) Bucks
(d) Bus Barn
(e) Where we is

Answer: (c)

7. Four bald eagles are circling the dump. What are they MOST likely looking for?

(a) Freedom
(b) MAGA Hats
(c) Guns n' Ammo
(d) Discarded salmon entrails
(e) Smaller government

Answer (a) or (d)

8. Well-reasoned debate is to Senate Bill 91 as polar bears are to:

(a) Palm Trees
(b) Both (a) and (c)
(c) Jewel Kilcher's cowboy hat
(d) Ice Floes
(e) Global warming

Answer: (b)

9. When you go to the homepage of the ADN, the thing you are MOST likely to encounter is:

(a) An instant paywall
(b) A feel-good story of father-son redemption through nature
(c) A comment thread that will make your blood pressure hit ten bazillion
(d) Another story about someone getting shot
(e) All of the above.

Answer: (e)

10. Assume planet earth is warming at an unprecedented rate. Also assume Alaska is a resource colony completely dependent on an unsustainable and limited resource. What will happen in 20 years?

(a) The Zombie Apocalypse
(b) Drilling in ANWR
(c) The re-election of Don Young at 105 years old
(d) Glurb glurb glurb . . . I can’t hear you I’m under water.
(e) All of the above.

Answer: (e)

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