Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Emails We Have Received and That Prompt Uncharitable Reactions Vol. 2: The Cumbersome and Costly Extracurricular Activity

A few months ago, I began an installment here called "Emails We Have All Received and That Prompt Uncharitable Reactions." Volume 1 showcased an email known as the Humblebrag Birth Announcement

Volume 2 is an email familiar to parents, and I call it The Cumbersome and Costly Extracurricular Activity. Whether it's sports, music, or anything in between, it usually goes something like this:

Hi Parents!

A brand new season of [ACTIVITY] is upon us, and we all must do our part to make this season of [ACTIVITY] the very best yet! To make that happen, we'll need the full commitment of all of our wonderful and committed [ACTIVITY] families!

Just a couple of items: First there is the $400 registration fee, which must be paid tomorrow. Then there is the recurrent monthly $30 dues fee. Make sure you sign onto our secure website to update your account automatically. It only takes a few seconds. If you don't already have an account, you'll need to create one with a username and 10-character alphanumeric password that includes at least one capital letter and one punctuation mark. Keep in mind that neither the username nor the password can be the same as any of our other 500 participating families. If your account is not up to date we reserve the right to give your child's spot to another family on our long waiting list. Scholarship forms and partial scholarships are available on a first come, first served basis.

Then of course there is the equipment and the uniforms. On our website, there is a comprehensive list of exactly what your child will need to fully participate in [ACTIVITY]. All of these items must be ordered through [RANDOM COMPANY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF], due to a special deal we have with [RANDOM COMPANY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF]. If you don't have their catalog, just stop by our offices to pick one up, because it's not available online. Our office is open from 1:30 p.m. to 2:45 p.m. every third Tuesday and every fourth Friday, and conveniently located in a storage unit just past a street you've never heard of. Thank goodness for Google Maps, right?

A word about fundraising: We have some pretty big fundraising events planned for this season of [ACTIVITY]. So we need every family to sell wrapping paper, chocolate bars, raffle tickets, coupons, and cookie dough to all of their friends and families whether they want to or not. Any family that fails to sell one gross of two of the above items will need to buy those items for their own family to compensate for lost sales. We will also need volunteers every weekend from 9:00 a.m.-9:00 p.m. to staff our fundraising tables, practices, performances, and games.

Oh, and of course, we are looking for board members. Our entire current board of directors is retiring pursuant to the [ACTIVITY] bylaws, so we will be electing a whole new slate of board members at the next biweekly meeting. We need names in the hat folks, especially for treasurer and secretary!

Attached is a copy of the [ACTIVITY] season schedule. It's subject to change at a moment's notice, so please be sure to check back on your secure online account at least ten minutes before anything related to [ACTIVITY] to make sure it's still happening.

Thanks and Have a Great Day!

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