Thursday, July 2, 2015

Emails We Have All Received and That Prompt Uncharitable Reactions, Vol. 1

In this new feature, O.H.M. explores a unique phenomenon: emails we have all received and that prompt uncharitable reactions. For the first installment, I present the high-maintenance, passive-aggressive, insider birth-announcement/solicitation. It usually looks something like this:

Dear Friends and Family of Anne and Jake,

I’m sure you’re as thrilled as we are about the recent birth of Anne and Jake’s sweet and perfect baby boy, Dormer. (The name means “chosen shaft of light” in Sanskrit. Isn’t it awesome)? Dormer was born at home in a bowl of distilled spring water last Friday, weighing in at a healthy 7 lbs. 10 ounces!

If you haven’t met Dormer yet, don’t worry. You will. Anne and Jake aren’t quite ready for visitors yet, but we were just at their lake house this weekend, and are happy to report that Anne, Jake, Dormer, and big sister Tela are all doing great!

Anne will be taking a year of maternity leave from her part-time job as a glass blower and anti-circumcision crusader, and Jake is in the editing stages of his latest documentary with Ken Burns on the plight of Tibetan refugee farmers whose free trade dumpling crops are being threatened by scorched-earth factory farming policies in neighboring China. 

Anne's parents will be flying in from London next week, but Jake's are still renovating their place in Tahoe so they don't arrive until a month from now, and their nanny has a brain tumor or something so Anne and Jake are obviously totally underwater and need all the help they can get!

To that end, we've set up a GoFundMe and a Meal Train to get them through this tough next 12 months with their new addition. Just a few things to keep in mind when signing up to bring a fresh, home-cooked meal to Anne and Jake's home. Anne isn't doing soy, dairy, or wheat (Duh! She's nursing!) and Jake is vegan. Tela is allergic to nuts and eggs, and their golden retriever Piper throws up if he eats chocolate. Also, no GMOs or non-organic foods, please. On your assigned date, please feel free to tiptoe up to their front door and very gently and silently leave the meal in a BPA and phthalate-free container that you don't need back.

Also, since unlike the rest of America Anne's maternity leave will be unpaid, we're fundraising to keep them afloat. We have a goal of $800,000, or approximately half their annual household income post-taxes. (While you're at it, you might consider donating to Anne's Kickstarter. After maternity leave she's opening a re-purposed mommy-and-me kombucha cave)!

If you have any questions, please shoot us an email or call (before 9:00 p.m., please).

Sincerely,

Jen, Tom, Griffin, and Gunner.

1 comment:

  1. Dormer? Jezus. I was not crazy about what Frank named his kids what he did, but I think I'll have to take Dweezil over Dormer.

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