It's back to school time, so One Hot Mess is here to tell you what your kids really need for school.
Our elected representatives in Congress and half the people running for President in 2016 have pretty much obviated the need for lame shit like books, pencils, musical instruments, and paint brushes. Because that stuff is for PUSSIES! And the last thing we need in This Great Nation is to raise a generation of pussies.
And since we're not going to do anything about kids getting shot in school, let's OWN that choice and give our kids what they need to SUCCEED! So. Time to get real about your kid's school supply list:
1. Flak Jacket: Your child should wear this to school every single day under their clothes. It will keep your child safe AND warm at recess.
2. AK-47 Assault Rifle: Each child should be well-trained in the use of tactical assault weapons and have their own, with their name clearly labeled. This is a requirement for entry into kindergarten, along with being potty-trained and being able to write their name. These can be purchased behind a glass counter at Wal-Mart.
3. Extra Ammunition: Along with snacks like granola bars and extra baby wipes, we encourage each family to bring at least three boxes of ammunition to school. These will be shared communally with the classroom.
4. Battle Fatigues: Nothing says "Back to School" like a pair of battle fatigues! In fact, this is the new school uniform. Order yours on Amazon with your school's special promo code and receive a coupon for 30% off an infrared tactical light. These are optional and GREAT for finding your way into a broom closet during an "active shooter" event.
5. Bullet-Proof Nap Mat: These are already very popular in many schools around the country. They're sort of like an airplane seat that turns into a flotation device in the unlikely event of a water landing--it's a mat that turns into a bullet-proof vest in the highly likely event of a school shooting.