Saturday, October 3, 2015

My Life as a Soccer Mom Would Be Much Improved Dressed As a Crazy Giant Space Vagina

Perusing the interwebs early this evening, I happened upon a photograph from fashion week in Milan. Or maybe it's Paris. Perhaps New York. I don't know. I'm not haute couture. Or, in this case, hot cooter. Because that is what this person looks like. A cross between an ostrich, Snuffaluffagus, and a vajayay that hasn't been to the waxer in about six months.

I don't know who designed this outfit, but they are clearly a fashion genius. This is pret-a-porter, and just in time for Halloween. 

What do we call this costume exactly? "Crazy Giant Space Vagina?" The metallic blanket thing underneath looks like something they hand out at NASA's space camp or maybe at the end of the New York Marathon to warm up the runners.

I should have added "Crazy Giant Space Vagina costume shopping" to my Saturday morning soccer mom agenda. You know, the one where I managed to put 90 miles on my car despite living in a town with only 50 some-odd miles of confined pavement. Home to birthday party. Birthday party to ice skating. Ice skating to soccer. Soccer back to ice skating. Ice skating back to soccer. Soccer to a different birthday party. Birthday party to Breeze-In chicken tacos. Breeze-In chicken tacos to home. Literally that was my day. Ping-ponging back and forth from activity to activity revolving around my kids (all except the tacos). And all along, I kept seeing the same beleaguered parents on the exact same circuit (again, minus the tacos).

It's clear to me that I (and probably everyone else) would have greeted our soccer mom/dad duties with more enthusiasm if we were either wearing or purchasing a Crazy Giant Space Vagina costume. I mean, I defy you to give me ONE example of ANY time that a Crazy Giant Space Vagina has failed to bring cheer to one and all.

I now know what my Sunday morning will entail: a trip to Jo Ann Fabrics to recreate in more pedestrian materials this $10,000 Crazy Giant Space Vagina for October 31.

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