Monday, October 12, 2015

I'm Turning Into a Crazy Coloring Book Lady and I Don't Care

Awhile back I proselytized about the virtues of adult coloring. Virtues both supported AND refuted by science, I might add!

Research aside, I now find myself turning into a crazy coloring book lady who brings a coloring book with her everywhere she goes, as some of my contemporaries do with knitting or emotional support animals.

It's not that I don't care that people obviously think this is weird, and it's not that I don't notice their curious glances. It's just that my self-consciousness in being a 38 year-old mother of two who listens to Taylor Swift and colors with glitter pens during a Girl Scout meeting pales in comparison to my need and desire to remain a 38 year-old mother of two who listens to Taylor Swift and colors with glitter pens during a Girl Scout meeting.

Elizabeth can't sit still. Elizabeth talks out of turn. Elizabeth keeps falling out of her chair. Elizabeth is distracting the class. Elizabeth had to go to the principal's office again today. Elizabeth brings up irrelevant topics. Elizabeth is easily distracted. Elizabeth has "ants in her pants."

It was comments like these from my grade school teachers that my mother claims made her dread parent-teacher conferences. She felt compelled to haul me off to an expensive kiddie shrink to find out if I had ADHD, which the shrink claimed I did not. Nope. I was just a regular old pain in the ass who needed to do more than one thing at a time in order to feel like I wasn't crawling out of my skin.

Like iPhone apps, there's a DSM-IV diagnosis for everything 
nowadays. But in 1987 at least, there was no diagnosis for being a bored, jumpy pain in the ass. My mom was shit out of luck.

Knitting is a more socially acceptable way than coloring to meet the need for public distraction, and it's certainly more acceptable than masturbation, which while an excellent cure for boredom remains largely illegal in public.

But is knitting really so much better than either coloring or masturbation? Of course it is! Knitting requires skill and produces something useful, neither of which can be said of the two aforementioned hobbies.

Paige has taken notice of my obsession, and not in a good way. The other day she mocked me by holding a coloring book up two inches from her face and staring at it with bulging eyes in a very exaggerated manner. Then she tapped on the ice rink plexiglass during figure skating lessons and did that thing Robert DeNiro does in Meet the Parents, where he puts two fingers in front of his eyes and points them back and forth at Ben Stiller in an "I'm watching you" gesture.

Regardless, I still can't sit still, and I still need to be doing at least two things at once to feel sane. So if intently coloring with glitter pens while kinda sorta watching Paige's ice skating lessons in the farthest corner of a 30 degree ice rink are two of them, well then, so be it.

Original "artwork" by O.H.M. I can't even express how satisfying those little pebbles at the bottom were.

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