Monday, October 26, 2015

Ben Carson Says "There's a War on What's Inside of Women"

Ok ladies, this is an official call to arms for your uteruses, fallopian tubes, ovaries, placentas, cervixes/cervical mucous, uterine linings, eggs, and all your other weird gross lady parts, because guess what? 2016 Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson has literally declared war on your anatomy. 

In case you missed it, here's what the front-running contender for the Oval Office (no no no, not your vagina, the actual oval office) and literal brain surgeon said in August about accusations that his party had mounted "a war on women":
They tell you there's a war on women. There is no war on women. There may be a war on what's inside of women, but there is no war on women in this country.

Well, at least he admits there's SOME kind of war involving women? Women shwomen, insides schminsides. It's all semantics, really. 

But if there IS in fact "a war on what's inside of women," then I'm declaring war on Ben Carson's dick. I also declare war on the many dicks that end up inside women's vaginas against their will on a daily basis. Also maybe on the occasional dildo or vibrator that doesn't perform as advertised. Also, I hear some women are into kinky shit like shoving a clarinet or a zucchini up in there, so let's declare war on clarinets and zucchinis too. While we're at it, let's draft the peanut butter oat bar I ate for lunch, because it's technically inside of me and it's not sitting very well.

Fuck it. 

I'm just gonna go right ahead and declare myself the General of this War on What's Inside of Women. Anyone who wants to sponsor my admission to Annapolis is more than welcome to do so. 

Stay tuned for the GoFundMe site where I'll be soliciting tuition donations.

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