Wednesday, October 28, 2015

10 Small, Insignificant Things He Does That Mean He's Seriously Not That Into You

Facebook must know I'm a neurotic basket case, because it's always trying to make me read crap from some online magazine called "Elite Daily" that calls itself "The Voice of Generation Y." It's full of listicles and poorly-written blog posts about relationships and love gone wrong.

The latest thing Facebook-via-Elite Daily tried to cram down my throat was this article. The gist of it is that you can tell your boyfriend really loves you when he goes to your co-worker's house warming party; buys you tampons at the grocery store; and stocks his kitchen cabinet with Junior Mints just 'cause you like Junior Mints. 

Shit like that.

But usually most women need help realizing the opposite: that a man seriously does NOT love them based on his actions. Luckily, that's where O.H.M. comes in, with this handy list of 10 small, insignificant things he does that mean he's seriously NOT that into you:

1. He refuses to pick you up from the airport or train station under any circumstances, forcing you to make your way to his apartment in the pouring rain alone, where he is sitting in the living room playing X-Box.

2. After you text him five times and leave six voice mail messages, you don't hear back until 1:00 a.m. the following Saturday night, at which time he is drunk-dialing you for sex.

3. Following grade D sex under scenario 2 above in which you fail to have an orgasm, he makes you sleep on the couch because he "doesn't sleep well in a bed with other people."

4. One of your close family members dies and he skips the funeral for a Knicks game. Granted they were court-side seats, so hey.

5. You keep leaving your toothbrush in his bathroom, but you keep finding it in the wastebasket. 

6. When you run into him at a bar, he pretends not to see you. When he sees you, he pretends not to know you.

7. He keeps calling you Amber and sometimes Tiffany, and your name is neither Amber nor Tiffany.

8. When you get into a crowded situation such as a concert or a sporting event, he ditches you at the first possible opportunity and never looks for you again for the rest of the night.

9. He refuses to hold your hand in public or in private.

10. Both on and off drugs and alcohol, he keeps saying over and over again: "I'm seriously just not that into you. I'm not sure what else (besides not putting my penis into your vagina every now and then) I can possibly do to make you understand how profoundly just not that into you I really am."

You're welcome, ladies!

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