Rick Scarborough, a prominent wing-a-ding-a-ling-nut pastor from Texas and most likely John Hagee's number one bottom bitch, is threatening to set himself on fire if SCOTUS rules that gay people can get mawwwieed this summer. "We will burn," were his exact words. He also offered to be "shot" rather than continue to live in a world where more attractive people than him with better clothes and taste in music get to eat a piece of wedding cake.
I have exactly four words for this: Fuck to the YES!
Not to put too fine a point on it: I would give ANYTHING to see this stunt queen douse himself with paint thinner from Home Depot, strike a match, and set himself ablaze on The Washington Mall. This has now become the main reason I want SCOTUS to give 18 thumbs up to gay marriage this summer.
Here are a few more reasons why this would be beyond amaze:
1. Rick Scarborough's loin
2. I love s'mores, and Rick Scarborough's nickname in pastor school was Graham Cracker. I wanna bust out some Hershey's and Marshmallows and roast some s'mores right over Rick Scarborough's flaming, Just-for-Men-home coloring kit touched-up hair.
3. We've got a big renewable resources problem in this country, and the energy generated by Rick Scarborough's self-immolation could fuel at least one gay couple's Toyota Prius for a couple hundred miles. He's really doing a big service to the planet.
4. Scarborough Fair is my favorite Simon and Garfunkle song, and I want to see them sing it at Rick Scarborough's pyre, with a slight adjustment to the lyrics: "Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Tyme for this crazy chicken-fried steak nugget to torch himself up like the opening ceremony at the Beijing Olympics for no apparent reason . . . la la la la la la la la . . . "
5. Since Rick always goes big, we can definitely expect a spectacle from this fuego. Surely there will be fireworks over The Washington Mall sponsored by his alma mater, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and who doesn't love a good fireworks display? The finale will probably be a giant, sparkling set of ass-cheeks set to explode in a suggestive position right over the tippy-top of The Washington Monument.
6. And speaking of Fireworks, I heard on CNN that Katy Perry will perform her hit song "Firework" with hundreds of gay back up dancers in mesh tank tops and neon green banana hammocks humping the air during Rick's combustion.
7. If you think about it, it's actually super Christian of Rick Scarborough to set himself on fire. There are a lot of cold homeless people in the D.C. metro area who would be more than happy to warm their hands by him, I'm sure. What a noble gesture!
Rick Scarborough: Let's do this!