Thursday, June 18, 2015

I Can't Wait for John Hagee to Become a Prosecutor

Listen up ladies, 'cause I've got some important news to share, which I am praying is accurate and not something the internets made up, because it is just too awesome. 

This is televangalist and multi-millionaire John Hagee, founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Megachurch in San Antonio, Texas and one of the hardest working hos on the bigotry ho-stroll:



As you might guess from the above description and photo, this (toothless?) pretender to Chris Farley's throne--in scary child molester glasses that could maybe be ironic if worn by a Bushwick hipster--wants all the ladies, poors, gays, and Muslims to go live in a van down by the river on their way to the fiery depths of hell. 

But most of all, he wants everyone with a vajizzle-jazzle to quit invoking the Lord's name in vain during sexy-times. Here are his progressive views on this huge ESCANDALO:
If you’re asking about my personal opinion, there is no greater sin in terms of wrongly using God’s name than women who use it during sex. That is one of the filthiest, most derogatory and sinful uses of the Lord’s name I can think of. If it were up to me, I would put every single woman or girl who does that in jail. That would be a fine example of God’s wrath aimed at what is, in my opinion, a terrible misuse of our Maker’s good name.
Slow clap.

I'm guessing John Haggis has probably fapped off to one too many Dolly Parton posters, and prays every night for a rhinestone cowgirl to show up at his McMansion, pull down her skin-tight acid wash jeans, jump on his BBQ Haggis, and start screaming OHLORDOHLORDDOITTOMEJOHNHAGGIS!!! 

Yeah, you know he just jealous.

Since John Haggis has an honorary doctorate from Oral Roberts University, that makes him an authority on good, God-fearing menfolk getting their roberts' oral'd by sinning harlots who would dare to use the Maker's good name in vain while reaching climax in the sack.

If it were "up to [him]" he would put "every single woman or girl who does that in jail." He specifically says women, so I guess that means it's OK if he and other men use the Maker's good name in the same context? That, my friends, is unclear.

All I know is this is obviously part of a master plan wherein John Haggis attends an unaccredited law school, becomes a prosecutor, and starts relying on ancient, rarely-used statutes to initiate these airtight prosecutions. 

There are a few evidentiary hurdles of course, namely evidence, which is something you need for at least some prosecutions. You also have an equal protection problem, as you can't very easily put one gender in jail for something and not the other, at least not in 'Murica. There's also the First Amendment. Kinda also the Fourth. Also separation of church and state. But whatever. Minor details. John Haggis has a bachelors degree in history from a religious college so ostensibly he knows all of that and has already figured out a way around it.

Surely the plan calls for recording devices in every bedroom in America, and a monthly report to the 5-0, so authorities can review the footage and make CERTAIN that no woman (or girl) is moaning out the Lord's name during sex. Then Haggis will prosecute these beguiling bitches, round them up like prize-winning cattle at the Texas State Fair, send them to a women's prison, and make them star in his own special fetish porn based on Orange is the New Black

That's totally where this is going.

I can't wait to see this unfold, and get a peek at the skeletons that will inevitably fall out of this par-baked, refined white-bread, pomade-glazed dough-head's walk-in closet in the process.

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