Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Welcome to Our Paleo Office!

To: Our Valued Employees
From: Management
Re: Paleo Restructure 

cc: Hominid Resources
Date: June 10, 2015

We’re trying something new here this month. Our office is going Paleo! We're asking for everyone's cooperation and patience as we make this transition. While going Paleo is a major undertaking that requires a pretty drastic shift in lifestyle, we're confident that a Paleo office will pay dividends in the greatly improved health and morale of our employees. 

Lots of unsubstantiated pseudo-science shows that a Paleo office is far superior to a traditional workplace, where people wear tweed blazers from Banana Republic and talk about last night's episode of Game of Thrones in the break-room. It's important that we get back to our early hominid roots and remember why it is we do this work. Accordingly, there will be several significant changes around here.

First, employees will be divided into small groups called "bands." Each employee will be issued exactly three crude tools made from stone, wood, and bone, respectively. The office cafeteria and adjacent Starbucks will be converted into a simulated forest and stocked with flora, insects, fish, and wildlife. Lunch hour will be a time for gathering plants and nuts; fishing; hunting; and scavenging for wild animal carcasses with your assigned band, in competition for resources with other bands. So leave those Lean Cuisines and sugar-free Hazelnut Coffeemate at home, because no more microwaves, and definitely no more coffee! (Our only heat source will be a centrally-located open fire started with two sticks each morning in shifts).

Second, computer and telephone use will be curtailed, as our hominid ancestors lacked the internet and telephones. Inter-office communication will primarily occur through the loud bleat of a ram's horn, which means no more pesky reply-all emails! In place of replies-all, employees should etch pictographs on the walls of the common hallways, using the aforementioned crude tools. If something is truly urgent, employees will be asked to mark their etching with a swath of deer's blood, as they would with Microsoft Outlook's exclamation and flagging feature. 

Third, each cubicle will be replaced with a thatched hut, and each office with a limestone cave. Please clear out any signs of modernity in your current work-space by 3:00 p.m. on Friday, so that our contractors can come in and set up the huts and caves.

Finally, we'll be converting our dress code from "business casual" to "caveman chic." Shoes are prohibited, and everyone will be asked to dress exclusively in fur, buckskin, and leafy fronds. Jewelry made from drilled shell beads, teeth, and bone is encouraged. The good news about this dress code change is that nursing mothers needn't cover themselves or lock themselves in a darkened closet to nurse or pump breast milk anymore. In fact, women are encouraged not to use breast pumps in the office, since cavemen didn't have breast pumps. But all women are welcome to come to work topless, preferably with one or more infants suckling at their bosoms. (The Paleo movement is actually very progressive in terms of women's dress and lactation policies).

Thanks in advance for your enthusiasm about our transition to a Paleo office. If you have any questions, just shoot a quick smoke signal over to Hominid Resources.

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