Wednesday, June 3, 2015

SCOTUS to Abercrombie & Fitch: "Guess What? You're a Huge Bag of Dicks!"

According to the U.S. Supreme Court, corporations are people. So it stands to reason that each corporation has its own personality: Ben & Jerry's (chubby, lovable hippies); Patagonia (insufferable, fit hippie-yuppies); and Monsanto (evil masterminds)-- just to name a few.

Well, this week the Supreme Court officially decided the personality of clothing retailer Abercrombie & Fitch, holding in an 8-1 opinion--issued from the bench and proclaimed "really easy" by Justice Antonin Scalia--that this company is a HUGE BAG OF DICKS!

You don't need a lawyer to explain that if Antonin Scalia finds it "really easy" to call you a huge bag of dicks, there is approximately zero doubt that you are one. 

But actually, the world has known for a long time that A&F was a bag of dicks that catered exclusively to other dicks. I mean, long before the company was scolded by 8 of 9 Supreme Court Justices for refusing to hire a Muslim teenager whose traditional hijab "clashed" with the company's "East Coast collegiate style."

Carlene Benz--an A&F spokeswoman presumably unrelated to the luxury German automobile--has assured us that change is already underway at the trendsetting (from 1999-2005) clothing chain for rich white frat boys and their girlfriends.

The store has abandoned its infamous "look policy" in favor of letting workers (previously known as "models") be "more individualistic," and also has "reduced the amount of cologne sprayed in stores to precisely 25 percent less than the original amount." Sweet! Now we can all finally shop at A&F without wearing a respirator, I guess?

If you need more evidence of A&F's monumental dickishness, look no further than what its CEO Mike Jeffries (who, in a classic dick move, also built an extremely obnoxious and ostentatious house almost on top of a good friend of mine's family home in Provincetown, Cape Cod) told Salon in 2006:
In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. That’s why we hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that.
But wait! Don't go away, because it gets better.

Better, I mean, than one of the world's
few openly-gay CEO's ironically promoting a ridiculous level of callous and superficial discrimination to the point that Out Magazine declared he "would not be missed" after he was finally forced to resign his post for being a ginormous asswad.

Wait for it, because A&F literally offered to pay Jersey Shore reality TV star Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino to STOP wearing its boring-ass clothes for fear that "Mr. Sorrentino's association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image." 

Translation: only thin, preppy Aryan dick-holes and stuck-up bitches from the suburbs with the highest property taxes can wear our clothes while driving around in the brand new forest green Jeep Grand Cherokees they each got for their 16th birthdays. Not greasy Guido douchebags and skanks with frosted tips and polyester tube-tops cruising in an I-Roc Z on rims! Can't you see the difference? So just hustle those little 5"3 spray-tanned buns out of our dockers now, thanks."  (Naturally, this dispute between two enormous fuckwits ended as all disputes between fuckwits end in America: with a lawsuit).

Finally, no more will A&F be staging displays like this to lure customers to its stores. You'll have to go to a bachelorette party at Chip N' Dales for abs like that. Sorry boys and ladies!



Bottom line:  It took a formal reprimand from Antonin Scalia to legally cement A&F's corporate personality as a huge bag of dicks, and I for one couldn't be happier about it. 

Now all I need is for someone--anyone--to get apoplectic in defense of A&F and launch into an ad hominem screed on Facebook against my "giddy and profane" schadenfreude, as happened not long ago with respect to Josh Duggar.

Please, please, PLEASE let this happen with A&F! Then my whole week will be made in the shade, and it's only Wednesday.

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