Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Five Neurotic Hobbies (a.k.a. Lifestyles) for Women Experiencing First World Ennui

Are you a woman on the downward coast to 40, or maybe even 50? Are you sleepwalking through the daily grind of your First World existence, having thus far failed in your ceaseless quest to find the Holy Grail of Meaning with a capital "M"? 

Well, once again, look no further than O.H.M. These five neurotic hobbies lifestyles are the key to your future happiness and guaranteed to bring an end to your ennui.

I very intentionally call these "lifestyles," not "hobbies." A hobby is scrap-booking or stamp collecting. Hobbies are for geezers and people with bee-hive hairdos who shop at Hobby Lobby. What I'm talking about are "lifestyles," which are hobbies with Meaning for people who own French Presses and live in nice suburbs or gentrified parts of Brooklyn and San Francisco.

1. The Training for a Triathlon Lifestyle: If you've been on Facebook at least once in the past fifteen years, you've probably seen your alleged friends post status updates at 6:00 a.m. on a Sunday that say things like, "Just ran 18 miles with Nike-runtracker!" or "Just swam across Lake Michigan--off to spin class! #triathlontraining." Anyone with a pulse and a Fitbit is training for a triathlon nowadays, and if you don't do the same (or at least post about it on Facebook), you're going to end up even fatter than you already are. Even as I type these words, the walls of your coronary arteries are becoming caked with Duncan Hines vanilla frosting, and walking around the block twice a week in spandex isn't exercise, unless you're someone's mother-in-law. So get out there and register for a triathlon today!

2. The Raising Chickens Lifestyle: If you're not raising chickens by now (or you haven't at least tried to raise some chickens and quit after six months because raising chickens sucks monkey balls) I feel sorry for you. It's as simple as that. Unless you want a side of Penicillin and Human Growth Hormone with your three cheese omelette, you'd better get a chicken coop and some hens to crap out your breakfast through their cloaca every morning. Forget that chickens are disease-ridden and noisy and coated in their own excrement. That's what the farm-to-table movement is all about, so get with the program!

3. The Orthorexia Nervosa Lifestyle: Let's be honest. Bulimia and anorexia are so 2000 and late. But there's good news for people who still want an eating disorder without the stigma and hassle of a DSM-IV diagnosis. Orthorexia is "characterized by an obsession with avoiding foods perceived to be unhealthy." Fortunately, America's completely corrupt food system offers ample opportunities to obsess over the presence of gluten, dairy, soy, GMOs, pesticides, modified food starch, BPA, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, and trans-fats in everything that crosses our lips or those of our children. Orthorexia is a great neurotic hobby--especially if you're transitioning from another, much lamer eating disorder. Remember: Bulimia and anorexia are for insecure ex-sorority girls who still think Third Eye Blind is a great band. Orthorexia is for informed mommies.

4. The Living Vicariously Through Your Children Lifestyle: One of the things they don't tell you about becoming a parent is that it gives you the opportunity to repeat and/or correct every regret and bitter shoulder-chip you may harbor from your own childhood. For that reason, children make excellent neurotic hobbies, offering endless minutae to obsess about. In addition to their basic human needs like food, clothing, health, and shelter, if you're lucky, you can become incensed that they aren't getting to play second base at Little League, and plot calculated, passive-aggressive revenge against anyone who dared to snub your child at a birthday party or a carpool. 

5. The Mommy Blogging Lifestyle: This lifestyle is ideal for the truly self-obsessed (e.g., me). And the best part is that anyone with a vagina can do it for free from the comfort of their own home! You don't need to be a paid life coach to tell everyone how to live their lives. In fact, you don't even need to open your mouth at all to talk endlessly about yourself and your opinions. All you need is a laptop or a Smartphone, a healthy dose of judgment, and the motivation to dispense unsolicited advice to the world. Just start a blog, and let the internet do the rest! Exhibit A: this post, where I literally just told you what lifestyles you should adopt in order to make your life more meaningful. See? It's that easy. 

You're welcome.

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