Friday, June 12, 2015

Rachel Dolezal is a White Hot Mess!

Friday took a turn for the absurd when Rachel Dolezal, head of Spokane, Washington's NAACP chapter was exposed by her parents as a straight-up snowy white blonde from the boondocks of Montana (a.k.a. the whitest state in the nation), who was merely posing as a person of color for reasons known only to the lump of gray matter under her (fake?) hair that is her cray-cray brain.

Well, I know it's a sensitive topic, but I Spokean't resist Spokeaking out on this Spoketacular Shitstorm.

And before I do, let me just preface by saying that this post was specifically commissioned/authorized by All My Black Friends on Facebook and so therefore has the stamp of legit! 

Clearly Rachel Dolezal is an even hotter mess than me--dare I say, a white hot mess--but here are the reasons why--although very much white--I am legitimately LESS white than Rachel Dolezal:

1. I'm Jewish, and everyone knows that Jews are the blackest white people.

2.  Someone at the swimming pool mistook me for being Asian. Seriously, the woman was like, "I know your daughter, but she doesn't look Asian?" Cue: mutual confusion.

3. I grew up in the Bronx, and I have A Lot of Black Friends in Real Life and on Facebook. Granted it was a boring and largely white part of the Bronx, but it was still the BX and to quote one of My Black Friends, that gives me "automatic street cred."

4. The Diggable Planets is like, totally my favorite band.

5. I got a solid D+ on all those #AskRachel questions trending on Twitter, and I even guessed the one about Mary J. Blige right.

6. I got reamed out by a crazy-ass redneck from Palin Country on Facebook merely for pointing out that Josh Duggar was serving zero time for diddling his sisters while Trayvon Martin got the death penalty for buying a pack of Skittles.

Rachel said, "I consider myself to be black." Well, I consider myself to be 5"8 and 120 pounds with a villa in Monaco. That doesn't make it true. And in my opinion, saying you're black when you aren't certainly does just a WEE bit of disservice to the actual black experience in America, which those of us who are not black--including those of us pretending to be black--can't even begin to fathom or relate to.

That being said, this white hot mess has apparently done some truly good work in her career, although now she has officially coined a new verb. "To Dolezal" is to pose with a level of commitment that is fierce and crazy to the point of pathos.


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