Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Bad News/Good News

According to a recent radio report, the “bad news” from the City and Borough of Juneau is that our water and sewer rates are going up by 6.5%. The “good news” is that the City and Borough of Juneau now has a Facebook page!

Seriously, the story was framed exactly like that in the report: as “bad news” and “good news.” I get why increased utility rates are bad news. But how is the fact that Juneau now has an official Facebook page “good news,” or even “news" period? And how are those two things even related?

This made me think of similar, random, brief non-sequitur bad news/good news reports I could make about my own life (if I had a radio show, that is):

Bad News: I have a tiny growth inside my left ear that I'm supposed to be "watching."
Good News: Costco has these new 70-calorie mozzarella cheese ball snacks right now.

Bad News: I feel bored at least 40% of the time on any given day of my life.
Good News: A newly-discovered marsupial will literally have sex until it disintegrates.

Bad News: I'm allergic to lawn clippings.
Good News: My old boss just gave me her extra dry-erase sticker-board for my office.

Bad News: I feel obese whenever I wear jeans that just came out of the dryer.
Good News: I've got several new episodes of Key & Peele DVR'd right now.


Bad News: Toothpaste in your eyeball hurts a lot.
Good News: Porcupines are cute.

Bad News: When a recording says "your call is very important to us," it's lying.
Good News: My second grader is already better at math than I am.

Bad News: Frampton Comes Alive is a terrible album. 
Good News: Dyed armpit hair, acupuncture for owls, and edible chocolate anuses are all actually things.

Bad News: The Smurfs have failed to stand the test of time.
Good News: I've never had a root canal.

Bad News: Cigars are disgusting.
Good News: There's a fine line between pajamas and real clothing these days.

Bad News: Someone recently called me a "piece of shit," an "asshole," AND an "idiot" on Facebook JUST for making fun of Josh Duggar!
Good News
Someone recently called me a "piece of shit," an "asshole," AND an "idiot" on Facebook JUST for making fun of Josh Duggar!

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