Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Seven Day Depression Diet

Not everyone is lucky enough to suffer from persistent depression. It's not fair, it's just great genetics. As Kelly LeBrock would say, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful fucked in the head. 

Some people (e.g. Cindy Crawford) have a great ass. Others are blessed with a neurotic mind that lingers in the past and the future, while refusing to exist in the present. 

But since brains are the new tits, it’s all good, and now there's hope for people who are emotionally stable but still want to shed a few pounds for those summer bathing suit months. Even if you're quote-unquote "normal," you too can go out of your way to make yourself unhappy, lose your appetite, and get thin fast! 

That’s why O.H.M. is pleased to offer readers this exclusive sneak preview of the trademarked, guaranteed-to-work, Seven Day Depression Diet. Results are not typical or guaranteed, as I haven't tried this diet myself. However, I have at least one friend and a friend-of-a-friend who has tried it, and word on the street is that it's super effective.

It's just like that book from the '90's, "Think Yourself Thin," only sadder.

Here’s what you do:

Day 1: Start on a Tuesday morning, the worst day of the week by far. Get on the scale and sit with the seething, blistering rage its number provokes in you. Immediately grab your phone and troll Facebook aimlessly. Pray that you see a status update (accompanied by a selfie) from a stranger who is dating an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or similar one-that-got-away that says something like: “Just woke up next to so-and-so! Time for an awesome hike in the sun! Where's the orgasm emoji??!” If you don't feel sufficiently psychologically ambushed by that, actively seek out depression-triggering status updates and pictures by viewing specific Facebook pages that reliably make you feel inadequate and terrible for any reason. (You know what they are. Stop pretending you don't).

Day 2: Commit an unknown social faux pas or snub resulting in a friend, colleague, or other professional or personal contact becoming irrationally enraged with you and shunning you indefinitely.

Day 3: Pick a futile argument with your spouse. Preferably make it one of those repetitive “theme” arguments about something that can never be resolved, like who works harder and at what; whether you did or didn't leave a kid’s coat in the car versus the coat rack; and/or who has averaged more or less sleep over the previous weekend. If you can, have this argument via text message, as nothing is more frustrating, infuriating, and all-around depressing than a domestic row conducted by text.

Day 4: Search (in vain, of course) for external validation of any kind, from numerous sources, in numerous ways. For example, post an "I woke up like this" selfie on Instagram and see how few likes and comments it receives. Alternatively, go on a fishing expedition for credit on something (anything) you feel under-appreciated for, and see if you don't get it.

Day 5: Consume a safe but alarmingly robust quantity of mild OTC sedatives like Benadryl, or Ambien if you have a prescription. Because, duh. You can’t eat when you’re asleep! This tactic is truly genius.

Day 6: Avoid the sun. Note: this is easier if you live in a temperate (not tropical) rainforest. If you don’t live in a temperate rainforest, stay indoors and draw the blinds.

Day 7: This one is counter-intuitive, but you should avoid exercise at all costs. Even though exercise makes you lose weight, NOT exercising makes you depressed and less hungry. So actually, not moving your body (other than to shuttle laundry up and down two flights of stairs twice a week) is likely to decrease your appetite by increasing your depression. 


Lookit: God made the whole world in seven days, for fuck's sake. Certainly you can make yourself sad and thin in that amount of time, too.

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