Monday, June 8, 2015

Lego Set or Virulent Strain of Ebola?

I know what you're thinking. Ebola is so 2014. Also, Ebola has never been funny. But neither are Legos, and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

Signs and symptoms of Legos typically start between two days and three weeks after Christmas, when the majority of cases (known to the C.D.C. as "sets") are contracted. The virus is indigenous to Europe, but is found all over the developed world in households with a median income of $50,000 and up. Children ages 6 to 16 with a predisposed affinity for Star Wars and other Disney crap are at the highest risk for infection.

Initial symptoms of Legos include excitement and elation, followed quickly by crying, frustration, and diving under furniture in a futile search for impossibly small flowerpots and clip-on hair, all of which is just out of reach and none of which is visible to the naked eye, yet still somehow burrows snugly beneath the human toenail. 

Presence of Legos can be detected on examination of the nostril, ear canal, or feces of a small child or family pet. Legos thrive in, on, and around inanimate surfaces such as couch cushions, DVD players, book shelves, and food pantries.

The virus is transmitted by direct contact with grandparents or their friends, who are believed to be "Patient Zero" for Legos; However, outbreaks of Legos have been documented at birthday parties and similar gatherings. Other virulent and similar diseases in the same family--such as Littlest Pet Shop and Rainbow Loom--may resemble Legos in their presentation. Accordingly, close inspection is required to confirm the diagnosis.

Control of outbreaks requires coordinated campaigns against further gifting, alongside quarantine from friends whose children might infect another household with ceaseless pleas for The Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle or the The Heartlake Shopping Mall.

Some cases of Legos are mild and easily treatable, for example Elsa's Frozen Sparkling Ice Castle for ages 6-12 and consisting of just 292 pieces at the relatively reasonable price of $39.99. Some cases, however, are more severe. For example,The Identity and Landscape Kit for ages 6+ featuring a mind-boggling 2,631 pieces and the bank-breaking price tag of $789.99.

No specific treatment or vaccine for Legos is available, although a number of treatments are being studied, most of them focused on eradication of small pieces. Among these treatments, use of a Shop-Vac or a large plastic garbage bag late at night to "vanish" the pieces has been deemed the most effective. Sending infected children to go play outdoors and get some goddamn fresh air for Christ's sake also shows promise.

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