Saturday, June 20, 2015

Too Cool for School?

If it's one thing I've never been, it's too cool for school. Believe me, I know what too cool for school is, and I'm not it. 

Too cool for school is the guy with the acoustic guitar and a man-bun at a beach bonfire where everyone is all like, "ooh, play another Van Morrison song!" Too cool for school is the girl who just returned from a back-country heli-skiing trip in Japan and everyone wants to hear how she had to deploy her avalanche inflatable balloon thingie. Too cool for school is the kid who cuts calculus every week to smoke Camels and still gets an A.

That's not me. I have to study hard, which is why I bought this book.

I also bought it because my mom (who is a psychiatrist) said it would make me less crazy. I'm paraphrasing of course, but that's basically the gist of her advice: read this book and you might feel (or be) less crazy. So I ordered it on Amazon and am planning to study it like it was a textbook in a college seminar for four credits. 

But I haven't opened it yet, for three main reasons: (1) I am lazy (in addition to being crazy); (2) I sort of don't want to overcome my destructive feelings, beliefs, and behaviors, because they are familiar psychological crutches that make me who I am; and (3) I already know what this book is going to tell me. On the latter point, I don't even need to read this book to identify my problems and this book's solutions to them.

Here are a few predictive examples:

Problem: The Facebook page of a particular person consistently makes you want to vomit and throws you into a jealous rage and spiraling depression.
Solution: Unfollow that person. Alternatively look at their page and use it as a diet aid.

Problem: Everything on the internet makes you feel crazy and depressed.
Solution: Commit profilo-cide and destroy everything you own that has a screen.

Problem: The thing you most want to do at any given moment on any given day is watch Love Actually alone in your house, while crying and eating Nutella straight from the jar with a serving spoon.
Solution: Cancel your cable subscription and never buy Nutella again.

Problem: Someone is being mean to you or ignoring you.
Solution: Ignore them back.

Problem: Someone is using you like a Black & Decker power drill with 55 interchangeable drill bits and a built-in flashlight.
Solution: Put yourself on a higher shelf in the garage.

See? I can tell from the title of this book that the overall problem here is some version of "You hate yourself" and the solution is some version of "Ignore or destroy the source of the thing that's making you hate yourself."

Easier said than done. Amirite?

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