Tuesday, June 16, 2015

8 "Surprise Moves" From Foreplay to Fireworks?

A friend sent this to me with the comment, "this kind of terrified me more than your list of how to drive your [man] crazy in bed." 

I knew immediately what I had to do (after my jealousy over Nicki Minaj's hotness subsided). And that was to predict the "8 Surprise Moves" that doubtlessly make up this feature in Cosmopolitan:

1. The Adam Sandler: Grab a bottle of nice-smelling shampoo and conditioner, and draw a warm bath. Beckon your man into the tub and alternately pour shampoo and conditioner over each of his balls while purring, "shampoo is better" and "conditioner is better" in your best Adam Sandler voice. He's sure to be very surprised!

2. The Roman Holiday: Men have sensitive prostate glands, and they always like to keep the sparks flying in bed. If fireworks are legal in your state, buy a roman candle, stick it in your man's no-no hole with one hand, and light it on fire while gently caressing his manhood with the other. We promise, this one will be a real shocker!

3. The Krispy Kreme: Early in the morning, go out and buy a plain glazed doughnut from the nearest Krispy Kreme. Crawl into bed quietly, and gently place the doughnut around your man's morning wood. Wake him up by chomping away at the donut. He'll be totally stunned!

4. The Tent Pole: Plan a romantic camping trip in the woods. At dawn, sneak out of the tent and release a blood curdling scream. When your man leaps from his fart sack to see what's going on, greet him naked, humping on a tree like it was a stripper pole and doing a risque dance for him. This is some seriously remarkable a.m. foreplay!

5. The Jenner-Dolezal: Whatever race or gender you are, dress up (convincingly) like a different race and gender in the middle of the night while your man is asleep. Wake him up with a blow-job, pick your head up briefly, and smile broadly to electrify the bedroom!

6. The Pub Snack: Put on a Hooters waitress uniform and whip up a quick plate of hot wings with a side of celery sticks, baby carrots, and blue cheese. Get frisky in the kitchen and as soon as both your clothes come off, take a baby carrot or celery stick, dip it in blue cheese lube (blube?) and stick it where the sun don't shine. Your man is guaranteed to be amazed! 

7. The Sonic Boom: Men really respond to auditory stimuli. Put together a hot playlist that includes the best of Weird Al Yankovic and The Fresh Prince, because men love to get their rocks off to "Parents Just Don't Understand" and "Like a Surgeon." He will be totally startled at your awesome taste in sexy-times music!

8. The Vampire Fish: Straddle your man and start rockin' with you on top. Right when things really begin to heat up, reach behind you and whip out a poster-sized color photo of a vampire fish (a.k.a. lamprey). This move will be completely unforeseen!


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