Wednesday, May 4, 2016

The 10 Real Reasons Ted Cruz Quit the Presidential Race

Yes, he was and is a loser, long before he lost anything. But apparently, that's not why he quit the race for the White House. O.H.M. has obtained an exclusive list--found discarded in a dumpster outside Mr. Cruz's Texas campaign headquarters--detailing why the humanoid-boy Cabbage Patch Kid known fondly to his own allies in Congress as "Lucifer in the flesh" REALLY chose to scratch after his big defeat in Indiana this week:

1. That "abyss" Cruz kept claiming the country was teetering on edge of? Well, turns out it was actually Satan's house, and he promised his Dark Overlord and Master that he would spend eternity in its fiery depths, power-washing the walls and doing some insulation work.

2. Got an offer he couldn't refuse to voice creepy serial-killer possessed doll "Chucky" in remake of 80's B-horror movie Child's Play.

3. Latex human mask was getting too itchy and uncomfortable. He was tired of wearing that thing around everywhere and sweating through his reptilian scales underneath it.

4. Plans to defend his dad in court against allegations leveled by his (now unopposed) presidential rival Donald Trump that he helped assassinate JFK.

5. Taking time off from politics to spend more time with his children, both of whom currently recoil violently and instinctively from his touch

6. Got wind of a great business opportunity partnering with Scientology-freak and semi-has-been actor Tom Cruise and Tom Kruse, inventor of the Hoveround power wheelchair. The unholy trinity plans to start a new political/Scientology/medical supply consultancy called Cruz, Cruise, and Kruse Consultants, LLC.

7. Went literally blind from ambition. Now scheduled to undergo Lasik.

8. Needs more time to watch YouTube replays of that time he maybe shoved Carly Fiorina off a stage when she was his running mate for a second.

9. Wants to capitalize on his fame to finally have those five rumored extramarital affairs he supposedly had, but that could not physically have happened, because the human vagina atrophies in his midst.

10. Two words: Fish Monster!

Photo: NY Times

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