Saturday, May 7, 2016

For Some Reason Grains Need to Be Ancient Now

Every time I go to the store lately, I see a box of chips, cereal, or crackers bragging that it's MADE WITH ANCIENT GRAINS. The all-caps and prominence of these declarations led me to conclude that ANCIENT GRAINS are GOOD.

As usual, Wikipedia had all the answers, and I was able to confirm what I had initially surmised: whether it's true or not, putting the word "ancient" on a box of crackers is supposed to make you feel like you're eating something wholesome and real. Something made in the days before Monsanto bought Congress and the FDA, and you didn't have to worry about your kids developing a brain tumor from Yellow #4 in a packet of vending machine Cheez-Its.

So I get it, I do. And I'm all for the concept. But I guess I'm just skeptical of the adjective "ancient" being applied to my food. It's just a word I don't like, in the same category as "moist" and "slacks."

When I hear the word "ancient," I think of boring epic Greek poems, marble columns, and broken statues of buff gay dudes with one arm and half a dick at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I think of mummies and really old people who smell like Ben Gay and Oil of Olay. I think of maxi pads before adhesives and "wings" when you literally had to wear a "belt" and a "napkin" every time you got your period. And I think of trudging across some bleak desert hellscape, being drawn and quartered in a medieval castle, and/or taking a shit in a bedpan before indoor plumbing and contracting polio.

Basically what I'm saying is I find the word "ancient" very unappetizing. So even though modern grains might rot my body from the inside out, I would rather that than picture some old pharaoh's worm-infested tomb every time I eat a bowl of oatmeal.

You feel me?

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