Thursday, May 12, 2016

Things I Need According to Facebook (Including "This Stuff")

Facebook is full-on next LEVEL with the shit it tried to sell me on today you guys! 

Check it. 

I'm solo traveling, en route to a friend's wedding in Rhode Island for the weekend. So what better time to think about joining a lawsuit over "vaginal mesh?"

What is that? Good question. I didn't know either, but I pride myself on intellectual curiosity, so I set about the task of finding out.

Apparently vaginal mesh is a "net-like implant used to treat pelvic organ prolapse and stress urinary incontinence in women." 

Cool. Cool, cool. 

Ok, so why the class action? Ohhhh, "the product design and implantation technique led to serious complications and organ perforation." 


Looks like I'll need to find another solution to that pee-when-I-sneeze thing my kids gifted me with, but bummer I didn't have vaginal mesh before the FDA was all like, not so much. I could have made a mint as a plaintiff in a class action!  NO WAMMIES NO WAMMIES NO WAMMIES! I mean, NO HERNIA CASES PLEASE! (The all-caps makes it sound like the vaginal mesh lawyers are getting fucking SLAMMED by hernia cases).

Then there's this. How can I resist a hoodie with my OWN NAME ON IT?! I might be 38 and look 48, but I'm actually 8. And speaking of looking old, check "this" out.

Because now you can buy "this stuff." You gotta admire the balls of a cosmetics racket that tries to sell you its snake oil without even saying what it is. Would have loved to be in that focus group. "What should we call this? Stuff. Let's just call it 'this stuff.' Those dumb bitches will buy ANYTHING to look 27 again!" Also way to phone it in with the testimonial. "I got sad looking in the mirror?!" 

Don't we all, bitch. Don't we all.

But that was before "this INCREDIBLE" stuff" came along. "This stuff" which is not incredible can Suck. My. Dick. I'm gonna take a hard pass on "this stuff" and buy "this incredible stuff" instead.

C'mon, I wasn't born yesterday. "This stuff" might work for a 35 year old, but I was born almost 40 years ago, and I need this INCREDIBLE stuff. According to the ads you apply them the same way, but "this stuff" looks like diaper cream and "this incredible stuff" looks like meth. 

So I'm going with the meth. Obv.

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