Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Mission Accomplished! Legislature Brings Adult Chuck-E-Cheese to Alaska

For those of you who thought the Alaska Legislature--which is now in the zillionth day of a session closely resembling a remake of Groundhog Day--was sitting around in Juneau doing nothing, THINK AGAIN MOTHAFUCKAHHHHS!

Sure, the Alaska Dispatch reports that our state's 60-member adult student council is approaching its constitutional deadline "with most of its work still incomplete," having failed to pass a budget or make any headway in keeping the shit from hitting the fiscal fan.

Buuuuut ... WE HAVE DAVE & BUSTER'S! Say it with me now like a man-child who drinks Coors Light while playing Donkey Kong, jumping up and down, and yelling loudly: "We have Dave & Buster's! We have Dave & Buster's! We have Dave & Bu ..."

*Cough.* Anyway.

This opens a new, bright, loud, seizure-inducing, buffalo hot-wings-n'-blue-cheese-drenched chapter in Alaska history. Legislators were able to set aside their differences and achieve a historical act of statesmanship on par with FDR's crafting of the New Deal by clarifying that playing some video games isn't really gambling, so now, Alaska can have a franchise of the Dallas-based adult Chuck-E-Cheese chain!

Neither Dave nor Buster lives here, but like many Texans before them, they've come to the Last Frontier to seek their fame and fortune; this time in the form of Grand Theft Auto, mozzarella sticks, and frozen strawberry margaritas.

When Alaska runs out of quarters, onion rings are down to $3 dollars an order, and the Super Mario Brothers are lobbying for extra lives, just call our legislature.

They'll know what to do.

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