Turns out being trolled on the internet all the time has its perks.
If you put yourself out there by writing some words online, and you happen to have a vagina, chances are at some point, someone, somewhere, will draw attention away from your words and toward your vagina.
Usually by calling your entire person (the parts that are not made out of vagina, I mean) a lot of awesome names for vagina. And usually the person doing that has a penis, and presumably spends the better part of every evening eating pizza and stroking that penis in his mom's basement in suburban London or Milwaukee.
(And yeeeeeees, 'tis troooooooooooo. I call Donald Trump and other dicks "dicks" ALL the time. I'm totes a misandrist hypocrite and that is totes the same thing. You got me. You win! There. We are done now, and we don't even have to have this gotcha argument, because I am ceding the point (in advance) to any detractors. I will readily admit that calling Donald Trump a dick for being the next Hitler and a strange man calling me a twat and a cunt for expressing an opinion re: a low-didg basic cable TV show about alien life forms is the exact same thing).
Anyway, the best part about being called a twat and a cunt all the time is that you might ALSO get your own, personalized cocktail menu!
A dear friend made this cocktail menu for me--and I challenge ALL my readers to try these at home. CTFD stands for "Calm the Fuck Down," and frankly every cocktail should have a jalapeno Cheeto twig.
I am making myself a double Snarky Twat TONIGHT, ya'll!