Friday, May 6, 2016

God Finally Intervenes as Legislature Swims Further Into Overtime

As we've been reporting in past weeks, groups of concerned Alaskans have tried everything from extremely loud, persistent jackhammers to byzantine, construction-based street closures to encourage their Legislature to pass a budget and get the hell up out of dodge already.

These measures thus far have failed, so God Himself has at last attempted to intervene on behalf of Alaska's citizenry. 

It shall be windy, with rain, heavy at times. Highs around 49. Southeast wind increasing to 20 to 30 mph with gusts to 40 mph by late morning. Rain likely in the evening, then numerous showers late. Lows around 42," boomed God from atop a giant storm cloud hovering 500 feet directly over downtown Juneau. The National Weather Service was quick to publish God's quote--without attribution--on its website today.

When asked why He was punishing the citizens of Southeast Alaska with sideways rain and temperatures a mere 10 degrees above freezing in early May, God was quick to reject the assertion that He was doing anything other than what both jackhammers and construction have failed to do up to this point: Make everyone in the Legislature so miserable that they finally pass a budget and ensure that everyone's local DMV branch will remain open in a few weeks' time.

"Since the jackhammers and the construction haven't worked, I figured it was time for some divine intervention," said God. "Unfortunately, only I have the power to whip up torrential, freezing cold monsoons and wind the speed of a freight train on the day of a second grade field trip. But the bulk of My wrath is really directed at the Legislature, who I'm trying to drive out of Juneau with some of the most Me-forsaken weather I can devise."

Thank you, God. Thank you.

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