Thursday, May 26, 2016

Eat a Banana

No parent should underestimate the power of the three words "eat a banana." 

Unlike iPads and more processed forms of sugar, a banana is Mother Nature's gift to her fellow mothers (and fathers) as the catch-all answer to the hunger-boredom hybrid known as "bunger." 

A banana is a perfect, self-contained unit of "shut the fuck up" and a cure-all for bunger, all wrapped up in a hearty, nutrient-rich, all-natural, and preferably organic and pesticide-free/fair-traded fibrous yellow package.

It's hard to quantify the number of times per day I say "eat a banana" in response to refrains of "I'M HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGRY" ten minutes before dinner and half an hour after my kids' last snack. 

So what do I say in response? You guessed it! "Eat a banana, eat a banana, eat a banana, eat a fucking banana." 

Oh wait, what? You DON'T want a banana? Oh no? If you're REALLY hungry, guess what you'll do? That's right! You'll eat a banana. And if you don't want a banana, guess what? You can wait ten fucking minutes for dinner. The end.

A banana is one of the first solid foods most babies eat, and it's bland yet sweet, so most (though not all) kids like them. A banana is also highly entertaining: it's vaguely phallic (great inside joke for parents!), packed with potassium, a euphemism for being crazy, and--with apologies to creationists--hilariously makes your kids look like the monkeys from which they evolved and whose behavior they still emulate so well. (Sidebar/word of caution: don't do what I did at 16 and try to smoke a banana peel in the hopes that you'll get high and hallucinate. It won't work).

That's why "eat a banana" is the ultimate parental nutritional clapback. Just don't ask or think about where bananas come from, because "responsibly sourced" are two words that are potentially in direct conflict with "eat a banana." Or maybe do, and follow this handy guide to buying "ethical bananas", which sounds like a high school garage band, but is actually a chart to help you buy bananas without exploiting a family of 10 in Nicaragua.

In the meantime, next time you hear "I'M HUUUUUUUUUUUNGRY" do what I do: tell your kids to eat a banana. 


  1. Don't apologize to creationists.

  2. Heehee... My mom told me to "drink a glass of water"


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