Monday, May 30, 2016

Woodpeckers Are Dumb as Shit

Is anyone out there a woodpecker scientist? I'm sure that's not the technical name for it, but regardless: can someone please tell me why woodpeckers are dumb as shit? 

Not if. WHY.

Growing up in NYC, everything I knew about woodpeckers I learned from watching Looney Toons. As far as I knew, all woodpeckers were named Woody, dropped anvils on other cartoon animals' heads, and laughed like this: HEHEHEH HEHEHEHH HEEHHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHEHEH! 

All birds were either pigeons, sparrows, ducks, or geese. And all mammals were squirrels, mice, or giant rats. End of story.

Now that I live in Alaska though, I know that woodpeckers are unfortunately not just cartoons. They are destructive little fuckers who are dumb as shit. How do I know this without being a woodpecker scientist? I'll tell you how.

Every morning a woodpecker tries to find food in the siding of my house, which I know because I can hear it CLACKCLACKCLACKCLACKING away, poking holes in the gutters with impunity under the protection of some sort of federal migratory bird act. Your only option is to put your house under a net. No BB guns to at least just scare them away. Nope. A net. A fucking NET.

Otherwise, all you can do is listen to them peck holes in your vinyl-sided house on a vain hunt for bugs or grubs or whatever it is they eat. They do this every morning. Every. Single. Morning. It's like dudes: You keep looking, and you're not finding anything. There's nothing in there. It's vinyl. It's not a tree. The gutters don't have any bugs inside of them; they're made of metal. All you're doing is wasting time and sanding down your beak as you destroy my home equity. It's lose-lose for both of us here.

Go find a tree and give up on my house, which is not a tree. I don't want you to die or go extinct or anything, but for reals. You are so dumb I can't believe evolution got you this far into civilization. 

Seriously woodpeckers, you are dumb as shit.

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