Monday, May 2, 2016

For the "Struggle So Real" Files: Starbucks Sued for Putting Too Much Ice in Iced Coffee

I went to law school to fight The Good Fight. And by The Good Fight, I don't mean free the wrongfully convicted, provide legal aid to victims of domestic violence, or defend the state and federal constitutions to the best of my ability. 

No sir. 

My definition of The Good Fight is to burden our already over-burdened legal system with lawsuits of great import, like this one over iced coffee. The Washington Post reports that a woman named Stacy from Illinois is seeking to redress a coffee-related grievance so big Venti, the judiciary hasn't seen anything like it since the infamous McDonald's "hot coffee" lawsuit. (Which, b-t-dubs, is not necessarily as frivolous as you think. Watch the anti-tort reform documentary Hot Coffee on Netflix (sans chill) and you'll see why)).

This one's about cold coffee though, and it's difficult to imagine what set of facts could possibly justify a lawsuit over ice cubes. For realisies: Stacy sued Starbucks, claiming the chain is "under-filling" its cold beverages by giving them a whole shitload of ice and hardly any coffee juice on top. 

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. So. Fucking. Real.

The Bux used some lawyer-speak to call plaintiff's claims "without merit," but I'm not so sure. Because according to the WaPo article, this is the SECOND deficient coffee drink lawsuit against the mega-wakey juice chain. The first one claimed that Bux was under-filling lattes! And then there was another similar suit, in which the Subway foot long sub was alleged to be under a foot long.

You guys, I sooooooooooooooooooo want a job at one of the law firms that litigates these cases. I'm sure I could concoct some novel claims destined to make some First World fast fodder justice and dollars rain down on everyone.

Por ejemplo:
  • McDonald's "Happy Meal" actually makes people unhappy.
  • Taco Bell "Supreme Variety Pack" not varied or supreme enough.
  • Arby's "Market Fresh" sandwich neither from market nor fresh.
  • Chipotle makes you shit blood from E. Coli (oh wait, someone already did that one).
  • Burger King is sexist and needs to change its name to Burger King AND Queen.
  • Dairy Queen is sexist and needs to change its name to Dairy Queen AND King.
  • Red Lobster way too hard to get into ever since Queen Bey gave it a shout-out in Formation video.
  • Cheesecake Factory does not technically meet definition of "Factory."
  • Applebees calls itself "Your Neighborhood Grill & Bar" but is not actually in my neighborhood.
 'Murica! Fuck yeah!

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