Monday, May 23, 2016

Alyssa Milano, Paper Towel Designer

Well, here are two things I never thought I'd see together: Alyssa Milano and paper towels. Peanut butter and jelly, popcorn and peanuts, bongs and a Cypress Hill record, and, OF COURSE, Alyssa Milano and paper towels!

Far be it for me to hate on anyone else's hobby, considering my hobbies are (1) snark; (2) self-hatred; and (3) judgmental sarcasm, in that order. But of course this is why I simply couldn't resist engaging in my own hobby at the expense of Alyssa Milano's hobby of designing paper towels. 

Paper fuckin' towels, yo!

I learned of this when an attentive reader posted a pic of a roll of "Viva by Alyssa Milano" paper towels that she'd snapped at the grocery store. Sharing my friend's incredulity that Samantha from Who's the Boss's career had come to this, I immediately set about some interwebs sleuthing.

It was true! 

The illustrious Daily Mail U.K. confirmed that as of 2015, Alyssa is taking a break from acting (in something?) to collaborate with Kleenex and "design signature prints for the brand's Viva paper towels." Even the plastic wrapping is "pink and purple and features the actress' imprinted signature." 

Well now. Fuck Brawny and Kirkland brand. How can I buy any other roll of paper towels now that I know there's a roll of paper towels out there with Alyssa Milano's IMPRINTED SIGNATURE in purple and pink plastic wrap?

I can't.

TBH, if Alyssa's signature hadn't been on this roll of paper towels, I can't say I would have known that a very regular looking roll of paper towels with "bright and vibrant patterns in a mix of coral and green" were in any way different from any other roll of paper towels I've seen marked with patterns and colors I can't remember because THEY ARE FUCKING PAPER TOWELS AND I USE THEM TO BLOW MY NOSE AND MOP UP BABY VOMIT, KID BOOGERS, AND APPLE JUICE BEFORE IMMEDIATELY THROWING THEM OUT.

I think this is where the celebrity-designed product finally jumps the shark. Paul Newman's salad dressing and George Foreman's grill were okay, but then came Adam Levine's signature fragrance, and we should have seen this coming.

If (and hopefully when) threats of a Trump presidency turn out to be the political equivalent of Y2K, I'm hoping he'll get smart and parlay his quest for the White House into the greater good by designing urinal cakes and toilet paper with his face on them.

Now there's a design I could get behind, so to speak.

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