Monday, May 23, 2016

Polar Seeks Grizzly: A Singles Ad from a Polar Bear

MPBSFGB (Male Polar Bear Seeks Female Grizzly Bear for Reproduction)

Me: A male polar bear
You: A female grizzly bear

I'm an adult male polar bear with a healthy coat of cream-colored fur and an average build (about 950 lbs). My current territory is the Alaskan Arctic, but I've got family in Manitoba and sea ice is shrinking, so I'm willing to travel for the right grizzly sow. 

You might be wondering why I'm trying to date outside my own species. 

Not sure you've been keeping up with the news, but the Washington Post is reporting that grizzly/polar bear couplings are increasingly common in the age of climate change, leading to a whole new hybrid of "grolars." It's called "flexible mate choice," and I like to think of myself as open-minded. I'm not having any luck with female polars (they can be so aloof, and once they have cubs, FORGET IT). So I figured, why the hell not? 

I know scientists say polars are getting "the short end of the stick" in grizzly-matings because we're not "gaining any genetic diversity," but that's not really my problem right now. I'm just looking for a place to deposit my sperm, make a litter of hearty cubs, and die knowing I did the only job I have, which is to propagate my DNA.

I also realize this ad is a bit unusual--after all, all the hybrids analyzed so far have had grizzly fathers, because female grizzlies don't usually stray from their territory, whereas males grizzlies do, and encounter receptive female polars. But scientists also say that as the globe keeps warming, female grizzlies will start bumping into male polar bears, further straining polar bears' genetic variation. In other words, I like to think of myself as progressive and ahead of my time.

Bottom line: I just want to make a few cubs with a quality grizz. I'm looking for a down-to-earth sow with a good sense of humor who likes long forages on the tundra, briefly monogamous couplings, and stalking prey (preferably seals) at sunrise. You don't have to be perfect, but you do have to be in heat. 

If interested, urinate on a rock and I'll follow your scent.

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